I was sitting in my hairdresser’s chair the other day when he said,
“So I wanted to ask you something.” He told me about a friend who’d
lately gotten into BDSM, and who had been showing him bruises on her
ass. “I don’t have a problem with it but… is that really safe, to
be all marked up like that?”
I get questions like this all the time. It’s a perfect example of
counterintuitive perceptions about BDSM. Stuff that seems heavy to the
uninitiated really isn’t, while activities that are casually portrayed
in popular culture are actually rather hazardous.
Take bruises on the butt. People get squicked by them, but for the
average healthy adult it’s not dangerous to get your ass and
upper thighs hit until you’re heavily bruised. We’re well-designed to
take impact there, so if you like it, do it.
On the high-tech side, I used a surgical stapler on someone
recently and it was big fun. I’m guessing many of you cringed at the
phrase “surgical stapler,” but in fact, it’s not that intense. The
staples are small and they don’t penetrate the skin very deeply. So
provided you employ the same common-sense precautions you’d use with
any skin-piercing play, it’s pretty safe to use.
Contrast this with depictions of BDSM in the media—wax
play, for example. Candles seem like such common, unthreatening
objects. But I recall watching Madonna pour wax on Willem Dafoe in
Body of Evidence and thinking, “Hey, Material Girl, you’re
holding that candle very close to his bits. The wax will be quite hot,
and he’s likely to get second- degree burns, which are prone to
infection and scarring.” You can do wax play safely, but don’t just
pick up that colored and perfumed taper candle—average burning
temperature, 145 degrees—and start giving someone a spontaneous
Brazilian.
I can’t count how many times I’ve seen people on TV hanging some or
all of their body weight from their bound wrists, or tied up and then
left alone. It’s often presented as no big deal, but in reality, bad
things can happen in that scenario. Let’s start with nerve damage to
your hands, resulting in permanent loss of sensation and dexterity, and
proceed all the way up to death. Just ask Alabama minister Gary
Aldridge—oh wait, you can’t, because he’s dead. He apparently put
himself into some rubber bondage and then accidentally choked. Kind of
a twofer on the nonsafe menu: heavy self-bondage and autoerotic
asphyxia. But even having someone else strangle
you during sex is a seriously bad idea. I think it seems okay to
people because there’s no scary-looking equipment involved, and it
looks like a situation where someone could “tap out” before it was too
late. That’s a false impression. It is not safe. You might live through
it, but every time oxygen and blood to the brain are cut off, you risk
serious permanent injury or death. There’s no way to eliminate that
risk.
Sometimes things that seem like a bad idea are. But it’s not always
that simple. Listen to your instincts, but check your facts,
too.