There’s a slang term used by polyamorous people: cowboy. Or cowgirl, as the case may be. It refers to a monogamous person who meets someone who openly identifies as polyamorous, becomes romantically involved with them, and attempts to “cut them out of the herd,” meaning: persuade them to sever existing relationships and embrace monogamy. This term is not a compliment.
I understand why people—including those dating the person being courted by the monogamist—view such tactics askance. The number of potential partners is small enough for polyamorous people without the mono crowd rustling them. It’s also no mystery why they try. Viewed through a monogamist’s gaze, dropping your lasso on a wandering heart is the stuff of songs, literature, and drama. But it begs the question: Why the hell would a poly person get romantically involved with someone who is clearly monogamous in the first place?
The honest answer is something like: hormones, misguided optimism and willful self-delusion, more hormones, and a little emotional masochism—or maybe more than a little. Most romances—monogamous or otherwise—don’t turn into long-term commitments, and there are many reasons why. But I can promise you, if you’re poly and you’re involved with someone who’s not, once the hot sex cools off and reality sets in, every single problem that occurs in the relationship will somehow devolve to: You’re fucking other people. If you would just be monogamous, then your partner would stop drinking too much, bring you flowers, tell his family to be nicer to you, and always pick up his dirty clothes off the floor. And when this romantic idyll ends—as it probably will—it’ll be just another example of how polyamory ruins relationships.
Before mono people get all outraged, let me say that, yes, some poly people break hearts because they won’t forsake all others. I was one of them, before I realized this was one of my nonnegotiable features. All jokes about dominatrices aside, I actually don’t like hurting people—or being hurt by them. My next strategy was to tell people I was poly before there was so much as a kiss. If matters proceeded… well, that meant they accepted the situation, right?
Wrong. Some monogamous people sincerely, but mistakenly, thought they’d be fine with me. But I have met a lot of cowboys and cowgirls. I vividly remember an outraged lover yelling, “I know you said that, but I thought I could turn you!” Another man said, “I viewed you as a challenge.” It’s painful to be honest about such an emotionally loaded subject, only to be met with mendacity in return.
It doesn’t really matter whether you think monogamy or polyamory is more natural or evolved. Dismissing people’s stated definitions of their sexuality as something you can make them change is not love. It’s just disrespectful, and it usually ends badly anyway. So put the lasso away, cowpokes, and if someone says, “Don’t fence me in,” believe them. 
@49 It depends on how much damage the lies, deceit, and betrayal does to the innocent party. Can trust be re-established, sure, but the innocent party will never look at the cheater the same way and will remember the lost innocence.
@44 Ouch. Poly is many things, but one big constant is that practitioners really are supposed to hold ideals of honesty and openness. (Even if you just have one conversation that goes, “Honestly, do whatever you want, I don’t want to hear about it.”) What you described ain’t poly. If it were me, even if I wanted a poly relationship, I’d be very, very doubtful that he had enough respect for me to establish the honest communication that poly really needs.
@51 I’m in the process of rebuilding the trust, and I’m finding it not impossible. (Though a few more episodes of deceit would certainly make trust harder to rebuild.) For the moment, it helps not to think in terms of “cheaters” and “innocents.” In a marriage between adults, there are no innocents, and there’s probably plenty to forgive on both sides, though it may not all have to do with sex.
@51 A lot depends on the age and experience of the individuals involved. I wasn’t talking about a person being an innocent (if I did it would much preferred to victim), but the loss of innocence. An unconditional belief in the goodness, honesty, and integrity of a person. If I were skeptical or cynical about a person going into a relationship, then why even bother in the first place. Maybe that makes me an unrealistic, naïve, romantic, but isn’t that what love is all about. In most situations, the only person responsible for an affair is the cheater since they are the person who made the decision. Assuming a relationship is salvageable, the time and resources would be better used in addressing the problems in the relationship than in cheating. The use of time and resources for affairs comes at the expense of the relationship/marriage. Again that is the decision of the cheater and is effectively stealing that which the innocent has a right to expect from the cheater. Both parties may be responsible for the problems that existed in the relationship prior to the affair, but the offended party (if you prefer that to innocent) is not responsible for the cheating or the problems that arise from it.
@54, I’m just saying that one person’s mistake doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship. And for me (and others) it’s not helpful to see one person as the good person and one as the bad person, if the goal is to get past it. I don’t take responsibility for his cheating, but I do take some of the responsibility for not communicating well about sex in recent years. And for sometimes watching TV or reading blogs during time which could have been better spent screwing.
Oye! Lovely! I was dating a girl (I say girl, because, as I look back, she wasn’t/isn’t mature enough to call woman) who, after a few dates and knowing from day one I considered myself non-monogamous and likely Poly: “Well, don’t you think you want to settle down some day?”
**sigh**
We didn’t make it much longer…which was fine by me.
EricaP What I’m trying to say is an affair permanently changes the dynamics of any relationship even if the affair is never discovered/admitted. Having an affair is the proverbial crossing of the Rubicon. There is no going back. One party decided that it is okay to lie, deceive, and betray. The other party is going to have to deal with the damage done to them before they can really work on the damage done to the relationship.
@57, Agreed that an affair permanently changes a relationship. But having children does too, as does moving to a new city, prioritizing one person’s job over the other person’s, facing health issues, etc. etc. etc. Extra-marital sex happens, and then if people want to stay together, they have to figure out how to do that. It is possible to maintain a loving partnership after a betrayal of trust, but not if you keep focusing on the betrayal, as opposed to the partnership.
Is there a nickname for Poly folk who try to convert the monogamists?
Will you agree that an affair damages the involuntary participant as well as the relationship. That the damage to the individual needs to be addressed before the damage to the relationship can be effectively addressed because if the individual continues to hurt then no amount of effort exerted on behalf of the relationship is going to work. You might resolve the pre-existing issues in the relationship, but there are going to be a whole new set of issues due to the affair.
I will say that I was definitely hurt by his infidelity, but now, five months later, I don’t think I am still “damaged.” We have great sex, and I feel that in a way, I have more confidence in the marriage than I did before. I used to worry, “what if he cheats?” And now we’ve gotten through that particular trial by fire, and we’re still together. But then, it probably helps that he told me the truth himself (five months late), before I figured it out.
I glad that you have stopped hurting. I do caution you that depending on how traumatic it was for you, you may experience post traumatic stress disorder episodes. Even if there are no further disclosures or lapses, you may experience bouts of anger and/or depression for no obvious reason. Something trivial may trigger a subconscious response. The other examples of life altering events are different because they are either voluntary, joint decisions, or require informed consent.
The other issue is what was the underlying cause of the affair. If the person had the affair due to their own issues, which probably affected the relationship, but weren’t caused by the relationship then trying to address relationship issues is doomed to failure unless the underlying issues of the cheater are addressed.
The hardest thing is to learn to trust the other person again. There are always going to be lingering doubts about the cheater’s truthfulness and honesty, particularly if they were able to lie and deceive without you being to detect the prevarication. While the trust may be re-established, it will never be the same as it was before the affair. Trust, but verify and no longer give them the benefit of the doubt.
Proselytization in any form sucks. At the same time, I am all for the respectful exchange of ideas. It’s hard for many people to cipher out the difference, I think, and also harmful to relationships, overall.
@62 Trust but verify sounds good in theory, but in practice, I have to either walk away or trust him without verifying. He works long hours, so could he take some of that time for secret trysts, yes of course. Unless I made him change jobs, that’s just a fact of life.
But thanks for the heads-up that this may come back as emotional upheavals at a later date. I agree with that intellectually, and it’s good to hear it from an outside voice, even though right now I feel fine emotionally.
Thanks for the exchange, a_skeptic_and_a_cynic
There are all different varieties of this phenomenon. MM probably did not have the space to mention that cowgirls/boys will go so far as to POSE AS POLY in order to rope in their poly love interest. Or that there are some polys whose MO with their partners is “I can be poly and have other partners, but you can’t,” or “We both can have other sex partners, but you aren’t allowed to have emotional connection with your sex partners (although I can).” I am still smarting from the latter myself, I lost my much-loved secondary partner to a supposedly poly cowgirl who lied and manipulated him right out of the relationship with me, while leaving him with one other partner who was strictly sex, nothing more.
I think that ultimately, a truly healthy relationship (mine wasn’t, although we were working on it) can’t be completely wrecked by a cowgirl/cowboy, but cowgirls/boys CAN damage trust between poly partners, unless the person being “roped” is smart enough to realize what is going on and end the relationship. Unfortunately, NRE DOES cloud people’s judgement.
You’re welcome. Unless you fell heads or heels in love with him at start of your relationship or were a babe in the woods, you probably had a healthy degree of skeptism towards him and the things he said. What I advocate, is returning as much as possible to that mindset. I found that there was an uncertainty (fear if you will)with respect what they did and said, that would never have been questioned prior to the affair.
One other thing, you may consciously forgive him and let time blur the memory of this tribulation. However, the subconscious is tricky, memories will return unwanted and for no apparent reason. You could find yourself reliving the feelings you felt. I found that this, the return of the feelings, applies to many of the emotionally stressful situations (not just related to relationships) that I had to deal with. Going through a commitment hearing, as the applicant, for my father at 25 was particularly distressing. Dreams as you may know can be extremely distressing even when you know it is a dream. Being trapped in a situation, unable to escape or wake up.
Bottom line you and the relationship can survive. Some people say this kind of experience can strengthen a relationship. I don’t know if that is true. I do know that I will carry emotionsl scars and changed brain chemistry with me for the rest of my life.
Terrific article. That is all, and thank you.
This was a great article, but the problem is that many people do not have their sexuality totally figured out, and pursuing their own desires runs them into a brick wall of sexual incompatability. One of those situations where the risk may be worth it despite the certainty of the failure. Telling people not to go after what they desire because they might get hurt… not very much like you MM.
Avast2006 @ 21:
You wrote, “how I was the one she would always come home to (meaning I was the one left at home waiting).”
That’s the situation I just got out of, with the added complication of the fact that we were both poly (so sometimes I was waiting at my boyfriend’s house). I had one additional serious partner, but she had three confirmed partners and was just starting in on another possible relationship when we called off our engagement. She likes to try out new relationships every year or so, reinventing herself and her understanding of love and intimacy in the process, while I tend to be slower adding new people into my life in general. I don’t blame her for wanting to revisit her understanding of love–once I tried it and found that nonmonogamy was not the end of the world for me or my partners, I found it was a great option for me, too. But it was tiring to be told over and over again that she was glad that I was the stable, dependable, straightforward person that would always be there for her and she could relax with, when she was always telling me this at midnight after coming back from coffee with her new fling or 8 am as she chatted with her online date on the other coast. When I had to ask her six times to get her to schedule a date night with me–which we would both ultimately enjoy, and afterwards wonder aloud why it didn’t happen more–it ultimately turned into her feeling like I was more a deadweight than a “rock,” and I started wondering if there was something wrong with me needing things from her, because she acted like it was an imposition that I had to ask for what I needed, but she gave other newer people her time freely. I started to wonder if maybe I wasn’t supposed to need, want or ask for anything from her, which is of course incorrect. And I don’t see how she was supposed to guess, either.
Any poly people have thoughts or suggestions? I haven’t seen this problem come up much anywhere I’ve read and there seems to be an interesting discussion going on here.
CPS, so sorry to hear of your painful situation. Sounds like you made it clear that you needed more of her free time, and she didn’t respond well to that. You’re better off without her.
CPS: That comment feels like the most off-topic part of my little rant, but yes, I agree with you. If someone thrives on novelty to that extent, then being the primary relationship isn’t a position of honor so much as it is almost certain bed-death. Stable equals dependable, dependable equals predictable, predictable equals uninteresting.
The other side of that coin is that the primary relationship is the one in which all of the day-to-day drudgery occurs. This makes your relationship by definition the one from which she needs a little relief. Gosh, how romantic. Her other boyfriends, on the other hand, get all the benefit of being exotic, exciting, and a change of pace, without having to expend any of the effort required to actually support a life together. To some people, in some situations, familiarity does indeed breed contempt.
At this point my opinion is, when someone starts making the argument that you are their rock of stability — especially if they say that status should make YOU happy — that should be your cue to turn them out in the street. At that point, they are already taking you for granted.
Avast2006, your story reminds me of one my current partner told me, about how his (now ex-) wife, after withholding sex for years, suggested opening up their relationship (which she already had, as it turned out!). He said, with understandable bitterness, “So, he gets your affection and your quality time, and I get your credit card bills”?
I’m not poly but not opposed in principle. Still, it’s hard for me to see how the primary could avoid being left holding the laundry bag while his/her partner goes out on the town. Sure I know, the TWO of them can go out on the town too, but someone’s still got to do the damn laundry! Love isn’t just a feeling, it’s behavior, and there are only so many hours in the day…
This article came at just the right time for me. For the last 8 months I have been involved with a man who is poly. I am a monogamous. He was upfront and a dear friend long before this happened. I actually didn’t want to get involved because of this.
I am glad that I did it anyway. I have never been happier. I feel free to really explore who I am and what I want with him. The jealousy I thought I would experience has never appeared. I don’t know that I will ever have an on going relationship out side of this one though because the idea of dealing with two people seems stressful to me. However he does date and I don’t mind.
But this article made me think for a minute about how I would feel if he never committed to just me and I realize I don’t care. I can be who I am and he loves me for it. He can be who he is and I love him. We love each other for who we each are, not who we want each other to be.
There’s a lot to think about here, both in the column and in the many comments. Even for somebody who’s relationship history is basicly a blank slate. The main advice one can distill from all of this I suppose is the importance of honesty, not just to others but above all to oneself. To try and be honest about what is acceptable to oneself, about what really hurts you and what doesn’t. Never letting anyone else define what you are supposed to feel. Then of course acting on it, listening to yourself and acting accordingly. We humans are so good at deceiving ourselves, conning and tricking ourselves into believing little lies that makes life seem easier. That’s probably what trips up most of the failed relationships that have been brought up as examples. The woman mentioned by #21 for instance might have believed herself each time she promised to change but then acted in a different way anyway, perhaps pre-emptively hurting him before she feared that he might hurt her (based on her history that is). Those lies that we tell ourselves are the hardest ones to expose and get rid of.
That being said all is not doom and gloom, love that doesn’t last is still love experienced. Hopefully both (or if there are more) of the people involved got at least some pleasure out of it, even if it was just temporary.
i hope someone can help me cuz i dont know how what to do… i have fallen for a man who is “polyamorous”.. i, myslef have never been in a relationship with someone who openly told me he had other lovers.. so it has been somewhat of a struggle for me, but i care for him, and thoughti could give it a shot.. nine months down the road we are still seeing eachother but now we see eachother everyday, go on trips together, say “i love you” all day and in bed… naturally, things are heating up cuz we have such great chemistry, mind blowing sex, we look god together, feel good together… he has told me he has a couple other girls on the side, but i am his number one and, honestly, i dont even know when he would have time to see these girls cuz hes always with me…
but, i am so confused today, becasue we fought about something, and i told him i wanted to work on us m,ore, and he told me he needed to step back.. that he didnt need the struggle.. that he doesnt want to play out the status quo girlfriend/boyfriend drama with me… is it because he doesnt need me like i need him? he has other women to turn to when it doesnt work with me? am i really that disposable? is polyamory just a way to never go anywhere with someone cuz if shit hits the fun you dont have to stay and grow, you can just move on to the next? i love him and i thought he loved me too. i have fucked other guys since we been together but i dont care about them like i care bout him.. what do i do? let it go? i told him goodbye today after he said all those things bout not wanting to struggle. i said thankyou for all you have shown me. i love you.. i know you are a healer and i cant expect to have you all to myself, and he told me “nonono, wait, i didnt mean its over, i meant we need to work on it”.. is this guy just a player and im an idiot? i am so confused.. someone who knows about this kinda polyamory stuff, please help… thankyou
Old post is old. But I wanted to share my own story. I’m what you might call polycurious – I’ve never been in a poly relationship (for lack of interested parties) but I definitely have a poly mindset.
I’m monogamously engaged to a wonderful boy. We decided early in the relationship that poly wasn’t going to be part of our relationship, and we’ve stuck to that because he wasn’t comfortable at all with it. We’ve had sticky situations where I was definitely falling for someone else. But we got through it, and we learned from it. (lucky for me, the guy was kinda scummy as we later discovered, and was quite definitely not respecting my partner’s needs) We’ve had issues, but we dealt with them and now we’re stronger for it. He didn’t “turn” me, we just made an arrangement. If I were out of the relationship (which I don’t want to be) I have no doubt that I’d probably pursue a poly relationship. But right now I don’t need it.
@76: I know this is an old post, but anybody in redfox’s situation seriously should consider DTMFA. Dates/bfs/gfs who keep on confusing you on where you are on their priority list are manipulating you.
That stuff should be clear at all times, but for some sleazy people out there, it’s in their interest to make things murky so they can twist things in their favour (e.g. you’re expected to be committed and take the relationship seriously, while they don’t). If any relationship becomes deceptive or ends up being a one-way struggle, DTMFA. This applies to mono, poly, anything.
Honest, open, clear communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and dating/being in a relationship with someone who keeps on mixing up signals purposefully spells doom. They’re being a manipulative asshole, and you should get out ASAP.