Control Tower

Snippet from an e-mail: “The part of being a female dominant I find
most daunting is the use of a strap-on dildo. You must be
really good at that.”

Why, thank you. The writer in question was speaking specifically of
fucking boys with a strap-on, and yes, I do have a lot of
experience doing that as part of a kink scene. But I actually didn’t
get started using a strap-on in the context of topping boys. No, I
learned my initial strap-on skills from getting fucked by
dildo-wielding butch dykes.

I imagine strap-ons can be intimidating for a heterosexual,
generally vanilla girl. Here’s this person who has, we assume, fucked
you to your satisfaction with the factory-installed equipment he’s
spent a lifetime understanding how to use, and now he wants you to
match him at his own game. I’d be nervous, too, had I not learned this
art at the hands—and dicks—of some butch women who showed
me, by their example, how strap-on fucking is done.

You see, you can talk about harness style, dick selection, or
fucking speed, rhythm, and angle of attack—but what makes or
breaks a strap-on scene is attitude. You can’t just buckle up and
start half-heartedly poking at the pink parts. You have to own it,
baby. You have to strut, and it’s going to be dirty. I know when I was
getting fucked by someone with a strap-on, I was not looking for a
tender, egalitarian erotic experience. Chances are, he’s not either. He
wants to be your nasty little slut, so you have to channel your inner
sleazy porn star. It’s not about acting like a man, exactly, it’s about
acting like a sexy person who’s really connected with the cock. That’s
the nice thing about queer kinky sex—you learn to forget all the
gender associations of who’s supposed to have a dick and who isn’t, and
just assume whatever sexual traits you want. I’ve been to bed with
butches who were sexually connected to their dicks; they could make you
forget they were silicone.

So take some tricks from the butches I’ve known and loved. Put your
dick on offstage and make an entrance with it tucked into a lacy thong,
or black cotton boy shorts, or whatever kind of underwear makes you
feel sexier. Pull it out slowly, wrap your hand around the base, and
squeeze it and shake it at him a little. Get your hand in his hair,
drag his head down to it, and tell him to kiss it. Leer at him and tell
him how pretty your dick is going to look going up his ass. And make
him aware that responding as if your cock is anything less than
Thor’s mighty hammer is a sexual foul. Slap him in the face with it
and tell him if he doesn’t show some appreciation, you can ditch the
dildo and just shove your fist up there instead. That generally adjusts
someone’s attitude pretty quickly.

We’re all beginners once. But what I learned from the butches was
that if you believe in your dick, other people will, too.

matisse@thestranger.com