Have you met Mr. and Mrs. Dunning-Kruger? You may not want to. They mean well, but, wow, their social skills? Not so good.
You see, the Dunning-Kruger effect is a psychological phenomenon in which people who are unskilled at a given activity perform it badly. But because they are so unskilled, they don’t understand that they’re making mistakes and they erroneously rate their performance highly. I doubt the real Dunning and Kruger hung around sexual networking sites for their research, but if they had, they’d have seen this theory illustrated by a certain group of people: male/female couples seeking a bisexual woman for a triad.
It goes like this: A Mr. or Mrs. Dunning-Kruger posts in a public forum, complaining bitterly of their inexplicable lack of luck in finding a beautiful, loving woman who wants to share her life with said couple. “What’s wrong with all the bi/poly women?” they ask. In six whole months, no one has responded to their profile and messages they send to women are ignored. They’re wonderful people; why are women not lining up to join their family?
The poster expects incredulous sympathy but instead receives lots of snarky remarks about their profile and a smattering of advice: Your expectations are unrealistic. Hot Bi Babes, as they are fondly and satirically called by poly people, are highly sought after and hard to find. Sharpen up your game: Post good photos of yourselves, ditch the persnickety list of requirements, and focus on what you have to offer such a woman. And, for god’s sake, don’t use the word sisterwife, even playfully.
The trouble is, Dunning-Kruger couples frequently come into a sexual-minority community with a two-step agenda: (1) Locate Hot Bi Babe. (2) Leave. They don’t bother making any non-HBB friends among the locals, so there’s no one to deliver these suggestions tactfully in a private conversation. Thus, the unskilled couple, who fondly suppose themselves the answer to a bi/poly girl’s dream, get defensive at the barrage of public criticism. No, we’re not doing it wrong; this community is simply full of mean, ugly people. This attitude annoys the regulars—all of whom do have friends. The whole forum starts piling on, and everyone forgets his/her party manners. And the bi/poly women reading it think, “Christ, what a pair of wackos—better avoid them!”
Online sexual-minority forums may be a rough school for the naive, but their essential lesson is correct. There are relatively few women hunting for couples online. The women who will even talk to couples know they’re a golden ticket, and they’re choosy. If your profile and your approach aren’t pitch-perfect, you’re toast. You may think you’re more awesome than every other HBB-hunting couple. But if you thought enough of a community to complain to them in the first place, you should listen to their instructions and refine your technique. Otherwise, you’re destined to remain the Dunning-Kruger couple forever. 
Amen.
I may just start sending this link to the worst offenders.
So it’s all about power… hmm…
@2 – Everyone has the power not to respond to an online personal ad. And one look at Lustlab shows that there are a whole lot more couples looking for a second female than there are females searching for couples to hook up with (weird!). So supply and demand and all that. You should probably go back to reading the American Spectator instead of Control Tower.
Actually, I don’t think it’s quite as bleak a prospect as people make it out to be. At least, my boyfriend and I have had some luck with Craigslist, and we’re not the most amazing people in the world or anything. Lustlab is awesome, but is too small for such a particular search.
But it’s true that if you want to make your life easy just search for another couple instead of a single woman. You’ll get so many responses you won’t know what to do with them all.
HBB = unicorn.
This is so right-on. I moderate an online polyamory discussion forum and this scenario pops up constantly, so much so that male-female couples looking for a female third have gained the snarky, telling title of “unicorn hunters”.
As a HBB, I love this! I wish more couples read and practice this. I’m not a toy or here to serve your every need. Definitely saving this and forwarding to every couple that needs to realize that. Thank you!
As a HBB, I love this! I wish more couples read and practice this. I’m not a toy or here to serve your every need. Definitely saving this and forwarding to every couple that needs to realize that. Thank you!
You know, this applies in many many contexts, both Dunning-Kruger bit and your observations about forum activity.
I’ll be running with the Dunning-Kruger effect; that’s a good one to think about.
Oooo this hits so close to home! I’ve been on both sides of this. I’m embarrassed when I look back at the first efforts of my now ex husband and myself in our quest for the elusive HBB. We were ridiculously lucky and found a few very nice women to spend time with, the last of which went on to be a permanent part of my exes life. They have since retired from the scene, and I have taken over the role of Unicorn. It’s an interesting change of perspective.
Like many things in life, unicorn hunting works best when you are not trying to do it. If anything, we were looking for a manticore (the male equivalent) and so were very surprised when the unicorn walked in and sat down and said, “You’re mine!”
But it is working out very well.
I’d advise other people doing it to just go make friends and not worry about necessarily making Relationships Happen; friends often hook friends up, and they talk good about you behind your back. Don’t get pressured, and you’ll do better.
Hell,if these couples think that it is tough out there they should try being single sometime, or just your standard issue cheating piece of shit husband. Yet, in the end, everybody gets laid eventually if they lower their standards to increase their average. Why does everybody have to look for the unattainable? I think that there is a column in that, MM.
@12 FTW
Yes. On all accounts.
For those wondering, it is actually possible to find cool (hot) bi women to join a male-female couple. How do I know, you ask? Well, me and my lover have found some very nice ladies to join us in the past, both online and in real life. And I, being a bi lady myself, have made friends (and played with) a m-f couple online.
The secret is: Behave as you would trying to make friends anywhere. Be upfront, friendly, clean, polite, specific about what you want and who you are looking to meet. Also, don’t be skeezy. Most importantly: don’t assume because a woman is looking to play she wants to play with you, or is down for anything. Patience helps too. Oh and did I mention BE POLITE.
Hear hear!
The worst part is, some dumbass sent me a “seeking unicorn” message on a dating site, and I, thinking “education is more effective than insults,” responded with, “You sound like you’re just looking for some sort pretty toy, not a real human being.” And he responded with, “You’re right, I guess I am just looking for a toy.” He gets props for honesty, and a bag of snakes in the mail for being an idiot.
I never realised we were so in demand.
Yes. Agree completely.
I am not averse to being with couples. I have done it before, but most of them, when they post ads, are so vague as to no prompt me to bother responding at all. “We are cool and hot and looking for a bi girl” blah blah blah. Why are you cool? What makes you different from everyone else looking for a threeway?
Or they jump right into sex without so much as a how do you do, or any interest in you as a person. I often feel more like a walking dildo than a person with a lot of these couples; many of them don’t even bother to reciprocate because they have the attitude that it’s THEIR relationship, and you are there to please THEM and spice up THEIR sex life, like you have no desires of your own. *sigh*
Or the issue where you are attracted to one of them (usually the wife), but not the other.
Anyways, haven’t had a threeway with a couple in a long time, and probably won’t, unless I meet some exceptional people.
Unicorns exist, they just aren’t evenly distributed yet.
I and my partners have also been fortunate in befriending a few HBB’s and having them play with us, some even approaching us. But our “secret” is obvious in the first sentence – we BEFRIENDED them first. We hung out, had a good time socially, listened to them and tried to make sure they enjoyed all their time with us. The sex just naturally flows from that. We never advertised, asked, or expected any of these ladies to service or pleasure us because we had some notion or fantasy about that, we made sure that we were fun to be with, and we looked for the HBBs that were looking for fun and made new friends. Its no different than the normal dating scene, just think if you were a single woman and a man approached you with nothing hut a list of things uou had to be, and things you had to do, to satisfy his fantasies – would you be attracted to “that guy”
Look In the mirror, look at your ad, make sure you are not being “that guy”
HOWEVER: If that is what you as a couple are looking for, it’s easy to find – but
it’s going to cost you, because what you want is really an escort. They will
gladly take your money and do whatever you desire (&. There is an escort for
every desire) – try Redbook dot com, not some singles or swinger site. Pay your money (by the hour or by the night) and get that fantasy fulfilled in whatever way pleases you; just stop expecting that any real single HBB wants to be treated or act like your whore for the night.
Better yet, don’t! I will leave more of these unicorns for those who know how to treat them as people.
Just my opinion, I might be full of shit, I often am
SFX3295
I and my partners have also been fortunate in befriending a few HBB’s and having them play with us, some even approaching us. But our “secret” is obvious in the first sentence – we BEFRIENDED them first. We hung out, had a good time socially, listened to them and tried to make sure they enjoyed all their time with us. The sex just naturally flows from that. We never advertised, asked, or expected any of these ladies to service or pleasure us because we had some notion or fantasy about that, we made sure that we were fun to be with, and we looked for the HBBs that were looking for fun and made new friends. Its no different than the normal dating scene, just think if you were a single woman and a man approached you with nothing hut a list of things uou had to be, and things you had to do, to satisfy his fantasies – would you be attracted to “that guy”
Look In the mirror, look at your ad, make sure you are not being “that guy”
HOWEVER: If that is what you as a couple are looking for, it’s easy to find – but
it’s going to cost you, because what you want is really an escort. They will
gladly take your money and do whatever you desire (&. There is an escort for
every desire) – try Redbook dot com, not some singles or swinger site. Pay your money (by the hour or by the night) and get that fantasy fulfilled in whatever way pleases you; just stop expecting that any real single HBB wants to be treated or act like your whore for the night.
Better yet, don’t! I will leave more of these unicorns for those who know how to treat them as people.
Just my opinion, I might be full of shit, I often am
SFX3295
often we(couples) create “unicorns” that didnt know they were in demand,and make the mistake of bragging of our bagging one,so then everybody wants her,or she suddenly dipps her horn in gold and becomes a spoil me brat or else they will.If you make the mistake of sharing your unicorn be ready to not get her back..or you could end up with one that trys to take the other from the other,or become more demanding for the bulk of the time shared or demand that you no longer enjoy your spouse as you do her..weve had both..sadly we chose neither..why would we give up the giver for the gift? It quickly can go from beautiful love to nasty compition weither with other couples or each other.
often we(couples) create “unicorns” that didnt know they were in demand,and make the mistake of bragging of our bagging one,so then everybody wants her,or she suddenly dipps her horn in gold and becomes a spoil me brat or else they will.If you make the mistake of sharing your unicorn be ready to not get her back..or you could end up with one that trys to take the other from the other,or become more demanding for the bulk of the time shared or demand that you no longer enjoy your spouse as you do her..weve had both..sadly we chose neither..why would we give up the giver for the gift? It quickly can go from beautiful love to nasty compition weither with other couples or each other. The Right Unicorn doesnt haft to be a HBB
Another major mistake made by unicorn hunters is the male partner (of unknown or questionable attractiveness but always having a “big cock”) dangling the female partner to attract women. Some of us HBBs have no problem meeting hot women and, when we’re looking for couples, are interested in couples where we are attracted to BOTH partners. I’m not going to have sex with a guy I’m not attracted to just because he has a hot partner…or, even worse, the couples with hot male partners where I’m not allowed to have sexual contact with the male! Sorry, just venting.
Mr. & Mrs. Dunning-Kruger, aka Mr. & Mrs. Percival (http://www.theinnbetween.net/polyterms.html/#pe…;), aka Unicorn Hunters – conveniently summarized on the Hot Bi Babe Flowchart: http://www.xeromag.com/hotbibabe.html
Excellent article, btw.
Wow. This should be linked in an online dictionary. Not under “Dunning-Kruger”, but under “irony”.
Next time you write about a psychological phenomenon, a good idea would be to consult someone who knows what they are.
Thank you for posting this! Couples searching for the HBB are the bane of many alternative sexuality forums in which I participate.
” ditch the persnickety list of requirements” – I think that’s possibly one of the worst pieces of well-meaning advice I’ve seen yet in regards to online personal ads. The whole reason to be ‘persnickety’ is so that people can assess what each partner will want and get out of a relationship. Persnickety is actually a sane and sensible way of checking that you’re getting the right person. If they’re not into (insert kink here), then even if they look like Cyndi Lauper and can pull her ankles behind her head for hours, then chances are someone’s not going to be happy. I vote to rethink ‘persnickety’ into ‘freedom to state personal choice’. Online, there’s a whole market of people. Choice gives you the freedom to make new friendships and connections that will last, and which are not purely based on a passing common lust.