In the polyamory world, we don’t give out toaster ovens for making
new converts—that’s for the queer people, which is just as well.
I can’t speak for others, but my record for
monogamous–to-polyamorous conversions is pretty low.
Still, one tries to remain open-
minded. Max and I were at the
gym recently, and a nicely buff man working out near me asked, “So, uh,
is that guy your boyfriend?” I replied, “Yes, he is.” But that
doesn’t mean I’m off the market, I thought. However, I wasn’t sure
how to succinctly convey that without seeming too forward, so the
conversation foundered. Too bad, he had nice triceps.
Who knows, he might even be interested in polyamory. But I’m
guessing he wouldn’t know quite how to proceed even if I’d replied,
“Yes, that’s my boyfriend, but we see other people as well.” I’ve
noticed some cultural gopher holes that nonpoly people often step into
when hitting on us—let me give you some tips.
If I tell you I have more than one romantic relationship, don’t
assume, “Oh, she’s a swinger!” There are some poly people who also do
spontaneous casual sex, but those of us who don’t are a little touchy
about that. Also, you may have watched Big
Love, but religion-based polygamy is a whole different
thing, so disregard that.
If you’re initiating a flirtation electronically and your desired
one says on her MySpace page/personal ad/blog/whatever that she is
poly, mention it when you message her. You don’t have to say much, just
something like, “Oh, I see that you’re polyamorous. That’s interesting,
you’ll have to tell me more about that sometime.” Anyone who’s sexually
other has experienced someone he/she thought was cool flipping
out and running away when the taboo desire is revealed. We like to be
clear that you know the deal before we start down that emotional
path.
Conversationally, deal with poly people’s other partners the way
you might deal with their children: Acknowledge that these are
important people in your desired one’s life. Ask a few polite questions
about their work or hobbies or whatever. It’s showing due respect to
their existence. It costs you nothing to create goodwill with the
incumbent lovers, and failure to do so could cost you: If Max and Monk
told me someone who’d flirted with me had been anything less than
courteous to them, well, that would be the end of the flirtation.
And a few remarks for poly people on the prowl. Disclose early
and often. Monogamy is a huge thing in our culture, so if that’s
not on the menu for you, don’t hedge about it, or use weasel words like
“special friends.” I recommend against missionary
dating. That refers not to the male-on-top sexual position, but
to trying to recruit someone to your sexual group in spite of his or
her expressed misgivings. Obviously if the person is new but game to
try, that’s fine, but don’t use the power of your pussy/cock/whatever
to hook someone in spite of themselves. You’re more apt to end up with
an electrical fire than a handy household appliance.
*So* many options here instead of ‘Yes, he is.’
How about, “Yes, we’re in a long term open relationship” 😉
Or, “Yes, he’s great. We’ve been in an open relationship for *blah* months”.
Better not to throw ‘open’ out there by itself, but rather, use it with whatever qualifier makes it sound natural to use the word ‘relationship’.
People unfamiliar with polyamoury will just glaze over the ‘open’, for the rest of the statement.
It’s just that easy.
If only *that* was one of the hardest aspects of polyamoury. *rolls eyes*