I believe in a collective unconscious. Why? Because of the otherwise
inexplicable frequency with which people make the exact same
remarks to me. It’s mainly nonkinky people, and not
clients—this is in social situations. I swear, it’s like some
sort of genetic programming. I say “Hello, I’m Mistress Matisse,” and
within five minutes they will very often utter one—or
more—of the following banal and even slightly annoying
remarks.
“You don’t look like a dominatrix.” Yes, I do, actually. The
World Dominatrix Summit Meeting of ’98 changed the union rules, you
see. We’re now permitted to have wardrobes, hairstyles, and facial
expressions that do not evoke Catwoman and Cruella De Vil at goth
night.
“It would take a really strong person to dominate me.” The
implication being, “And you are not demonstrating that strength.” I can
never tell—and I do not care to inquire—if people mean
someone who can bench-press triple digits, or someone who behaves like
John Malkovich in drag. Physical strength is nothing. I have lots of
toys that require little effort and yet can make great big men howl
like jackals. And if I’m not acting like your fantasy dominatrix, it’s
probably because… I’m not interested in acting like your fantasy
dominatrix.
“Tell me what you’d do to me to make me submit to you.” I’d
make you call a phone sex line and ask them this question.
“My lover is too nice/loves me too much to do that kind of thing
to me.” The odd part is that while the words themselves are rather
condescending, people always say this in a noticeably wistful tone of voice. However, I don’t love you, I’m not especially nice, and
I still don’t want to do “that kind of thing” to you, so you need to
reexamine your hypothesis.
“The submissive really controls everything anyway.” This
disparaging comment is always trotted out by people who, upon
questioning, turn out to have never done any BDSM.
“People tell me I should be a dominatrix.” Every woman who
has some knee-high black boots and the occasional bitchy moment has
been told this by some hopeful man. It’s a flirtatious line, not an
insight into your true calling. So, best of luck, but don’t quit your
day job.
“Don’t you ever want to just make love?” Yes. Not with you,
though.
“Hey, do you know Mistress Whoever in Faraway City?” This is
the least silly question of the bunch, as I am acquainted with other
pro-dommes. But that Summit Meeting thing? That was a joke. There are
at least 5,000 other pro-dommes in the U.S. alone, and I know, oh,
about 11 of them.
“I could make you cry if I did (random painful thing) to
you.” The implication being: Big Dominatrices Don’t Cry. But I have
the same type of pain receptors in my brain as everyone else, so yeah,
I’m sure you could. What you couldn’t do is make me not press
charges.
“You must meet some really weird people.” Why yes… yes, I
do.
Great, you’re so funny.
I absolutely love this! And for the record, amDoms get the vast majority of these, too… or at least I do on a regular basis.
*laughs* At least the last one is forgiveable. It is after all, true.
I once hosteled around Europe with a pro-dom friend of mine who occasionally told people about her line of work. While she got asked the “why?” questions, people looked at me as if I was nuts; as if a dominatrix couldn’t have any normal friends. (Uh, who are non-professionally kinky.)
Needless to say, I rapidly grew tired of the “does she make you…?” questions. (What part of “friend” were they not understanding?)
What is the big deal? Yeah, a heck of a lot of people are curious/titillated/amused by/ignorant about BDSM and will ask you ‘dumb’ questions in a social conversation. If that annoys you, um, don’t introduce yourself as a dominatrix!
I think submissives have most control. But maybe it’s because I’m an unruly switch.
damn, lady, if I met you I would have SO MANY interesting questions to ask you! these folks sound frightened, not curious.
Banjoboy: Don’t be daft. She’s semi-famous, plus, she probably doesn’t always have the choice of how she is introduced.
Mistress Matisse only ever writes two columns: “People say Stupid Things to Me”, and “Being Poly is Difficult”. Guess which one this is?
Ursula: And here I was, thinking she only ever made poly seem easy… well, for people who are not morons, anyway! Hmm…
Expect dumb questions when you introduce yourself as, Mistress Matisse.
I agree with Ursula on Mistress Matisse only producing two types of columns, which tends to get very repetitive. Leading such an exciting life and clearly possessing a talent for writing, I am sure she could provide us with more interesting musings…
This is the remark I would make to you, “You’re Mistress Matisse, WTF does that mean? Actually, I don’t really care. Go talk to someone who cares.”
Ursula: I’ve only read the “poly is pretty damn good” columns – and I’ve read all of them. I wonder who you’re reading?
A very entertaining and informative column, composed of no-doubt true anecdotes. Though I can’t help but wonder how many of these same people composed in their heads a short list of, “10 Things Not to Say to Me in First-Meet Social Situations,” at the top of which is having someone introduce themselves as, “Mistress or Master Anybody”- then to be judged in turn for their only naturally curious, albeit awkward or unintentionally thoughtless response. While it wouldn’t provide fodder for future columns, maybe if you held off on that potentially charged aspect of your life until people weren’t strangers, then you wouldn’t find yourself so frequently subjected to comments you obviously find so tiresome, from people otherwise trying to work with that unasked-for piece of your life, to which you have opened the door in just the first five minutes of a social situation.
This advice column averages about 5% advice and 95% narcissistic blogging. Can we just get Dear Science every week? I actually learn something there.
Want BDSM advice? Read the column in the Sinner. The Sinner may be 95% paranoid rantings, but they do have an actual educational BDSM column every month.
couldn’t agree more with you ursula and and whatever. it would be grand if there was some actual information in this column for once instead of the usual mixture of thinly veiled braggadocio and whining.
I don’t know what you peopel are talking about, matisse writes about SM stuff and how-to all the time. but I personally like the snarky ones. I work at a call center so I get stupid phone calls too.
It seems to me the really annoying part would be discovering that these folks can’t get beyond the job description long enough to realize that you may actually have other interests than just BDSM. I realize it’s a big part of your lifestyle. But c’mon, people! I’m a teacher, but you think I want to talk about kids all the time?!
All professionals have this problem. People like to use social settings to get free services. They want architects to give them free advice on their kitchen remodels. They want information from doctors about their random ailments. Even bus drivers get asked the same questions over and over again. “Don’t you get bored driving the same route all day?” No, but I do get bored answering that question over and over.
Love the correct plural of dominatrix (dominatrices)!
Good God, how tiresome. Listening to this woman go on about herself must be her No. 1 way of torturing her subjects.
Well Matisse, look at it this way. You make $250 a shot to urinate on other people. The rest of us slave away at a 1/10th of that getting urinated on by The Man. You’ve got the better deal.
What do you expect with a “name” like Mistress?
What a relief, I thought I was the only one who finds her as tedious as watching beige paint dry. Is there someone I can pay to make her go away?
How about a column, “10 Things You CAN Say to Me When We Meet?” If you have a name like Mistress Matisse, you’re a pro dom, and you have a newspaper column, you’re going to be asked the same questions all the time, because these are all unusual things in the lives of most people. I’m sorry that’s tedious for you, but you need to adapt or conceal. People are just curious, not (not most of them, anyway) idiotic. I have an unusual name, and have been getting one of four reactions my entire life. Sure, it gets old. Smile and be gracious. I think outrider’s remarks about professionals always getting the same questions is right on the mark. Try to be a little less sensitive. And seriously, I really would like to know what you would consider acceptable responses or questions when people find out what your job is.
What ProsperitySnow said. Smile and be gracious.
Maybe you’re getting a little burned out. After all, being an open Mistress in this day and age must be pretty stressful – since you can’t time travel 50 years into the future, you may be in need of a new approach or perspective.
10 Things You Should Know about Free / Barter Service from a Pro.
10. Trade off your wifes comix collection!
9. “No you can’t have my silver, bitch.”
8. “Yes, even that little spoon! Damn!”
7. Got a real carpet cleaning rig? You’re in.
6. No tech support, dipshit.
5. Side of beef *if* you’ve got the fridge to go with it.
4. Wigs man wigs.
3. Antiques. Pro’s LOVE antiques.
2. Affection, Caring, Charm & Booze.
1. And the failsafe: Hockey Tickets.
Cruella de Ville is fucking sexy
it’s true that a LOT of Matisse’s columns fall back on the “look what stupid things people say to me”. I think I’ve had my fill of stupid human tricks…..
High Hun,and all the rest too. Just wanted to say “your the greatest” and then theres all the rest. Peace4now TigerG