Politicians do wacky things to connect with voters. They drop pucks
and shoot hoops, cook ribs with Rachael and dance with Ellen, and when
they’re out in the field, they press the flesh on the rope line and
cheerfully chow down on all kinds of “typical” regional cuisine, no
matter how gross it is. So what if John McCain and Barack Obama
tried to get the kink vote? It certainly wouldn’t be your average
campaign stop. Picture them at, say, Folsom Street Fair, with several
hundred thousand perverts milling around them. What would that be
like?

I doubt they’d actually get kinky, but they’d have to dress up.
Obama would go with sleek, minimalist fetish attire, like shiny
black pants, sleeveless black shirt, and a long, shiny vinyl duster.
He’d look great in a male corset, but focus groups would have indicated
that rural het-male-dominant voters don’t like those, so he wouldn’t
wear one.

McCain, on the other hand, would go old-school leatherman style, in
Levi’s 501s, black cotton T-shirt, and black leather vest. And maybe
chaps and short black leather gloves. Not only is that a very
traditional BDSM look, it’s also kinder to the not-so-fit figure than shiny vinyl. (Perhaps that’s why it’s so enduring.)

Not to be outdone, Joe Biden would be wearing pretty much the same
outfit as McCain. But he’d probably also wear the leather Muir cap,
with the eagle on the front, to mask his hair plugs. And Sarah
Palin? She’d go with the fetish-librarian look: a white latex
high-buttoned top with long sleeves and a black latex pencil skirt,
with patent-leather platform pumps.

“Our government should help us, not hurt us—except when we
consent to it,” Obama would be saying. “It should ensure kinky
opportunities for every American who yearns to be bound,
flogged, and fucked. That’s the change we need right now.” And Biden
would add something like, “Yes, equal opportunities for real submissive
masters!” The crowd would look confused, and he’d quickly be
shushed.

Meanwhile, McCain would be across the street. “My friends, I’ve
fought those special-interest groups, like those cross-dressing
Gorean furries. I believe in old-fashioned kinky values and strict
discipline!” Palin would wink and chirp, “As your future
President—whoops, I mean, Vice President—I just love
meeting the really pro-kinky kinky people of this great nation!”
She’d then refuse to answer any questions. McCain and Palin would also
thank the many men in crowd who were holding large black rubber
implements, with their butt cracks showing above their pants, “for
coming out to support Joe the Plumber!” There would be a ripple
of snickers, and one of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence would snap
back, “Oh, they’ve come out all right, sweetie!”

FOX News would send a correspondent to do a stand-up, and he’d snipe
about the fact that Biden didn’t have a black hanky in his back left
pocket (gasp!), so he’s obviously not a real BDSM person! And
CNN would send Anderson Cooper, who’d instantly be mobbed by every
gay man there, leaving the candidates deserted. It would be a tough
crowd. Maybe they should try the swingers’ clubs instead? recommended

33 replies on “Control Tower”

  1. I hope they don’t pay you for this. The only thing worse then your uninteresting kinky column is your desperate attempts to be relevant and funny. It doesn’t suit your annoying elitist writing stile, it just makes you seem pathetic

  3. OK, I never post comments anywhere, but had to balance out that first one. I think you’re hilarious. I enjoyed this very much, and it seems right on to me, in terms of what would actually suit the personalities of the candidates. Also, I thought it was an interesting and creative premise.

  4. well tbird – as they say, “it’s a free country”, so feel free to not read this column that is soooo uninteresting to you. Was it necessary to post your comment? By the way master speller – it’s writng “style” not your free form variation “stile”.

    You’re a nasty piece of work.

    Matisse – your column is great and well written and I’m sure there are a lot of people that look forward to reading it as much as I do.

  7. I dunno, I kind of feel the same way as tbird. Matisse is boring, which is a difficult feat to accomplish with subject matter like BDSM- it has such wide-ranging psychosexual implications.

    At least the Stranger doesn’t run her every week, and this week’s column isn’t another piece on how she gets stupid phone calls. She goes to that well again and again and again. It gets old.

    Why can’t we get some Violet Blue or Tristan Taormino up in here?

  9. “elitist”??? Ruh-roh mistress, looks like the old geezer and the dingbat heard you were trashtalking them and came to flame you!!! lol

    if you’re bored then you you’re *boring*, I say. go on matisse!

  10. Fantastic and now I’m imagining Bill and Hillary in their “I’m just a regular kinky joe like all of you” clothes. I’m thinking dog leash and collar, but a matching set for a change. Can a couple do both roles at once?

  11. “Cross-dressing Gorean furries” was the funniest thing I have read all week. And now I am going to link your column to all my kinky political friends. Keep up the good work!

  12. tbird is a troll. Not the kind that live under a bridge, but similar in some ways. Kind of pathetic really. They post intentionally provocative material (sometimes call ‘bait’) and sit back and wait for the derision to be directed at them.

    I *love* the thought of McCain in a leatherman outfit. Just made my day.

  14. I know that you are probably given a word limit, but is there any way you could make your columns sound less… hollow? They used to be better. Hopefully something interesting will happen to you soon that will inspire a more meaningful column. I’m sure you’re a riot in person and you seem like a very intelligent woman, but your writing can come off as overly self conscious posturing at times. And I am a kinky woman, just FYI.

  15. Actually, this is one of Matisse’s all time BEST columns; quite creative and I think she has the candidates pegged!
    (I do agree though, no more boring phone call stories, please, I confess already, want to hear my safeword?)

  16. Hilarious.

    Loved the cross-dressing Gorean furries bit (special-interest group indeed) and Anderson Cooper remark.

    Thanks for the levity in the days before a serious election.

  18. Boy, I read the column and was snickering and wanting to call my partner into the room to read it,and then I got to the comments. Even better!

    Those trollers sitting behind their keyboards and never getting laid throwing out their cheap shots at Matisse. Gads….

  19. I was just thinking this morning how odd it is that Palin stands up in front of crowds and leads them in the “Drill, Baby, Drill” chant.

    I picture the usual republicrack smoking dudes out there in the crowd nursing tiny erections and gazing up at her shouting and thinking: “Drill, Baby, Drill!”
    …the founding fathers would be so proud.

  20. Those trollers sitting behind their keyboards

    I wasn’t trolling, just stating my honest opinion. Isn’t that the purpose of a comments section?

    A kink column shouldn’t be so banal. Apparently I’m not the only person who holds this opinion.

  21. oh really, If you have any ideas on topics that can be discussed in what- ? about 400 words kitchnsync, by all means- do share… You are a great example of a person bored with life itself- a.k.a. someone too lazy spiritually, and mentally to take notice of the world around them- and, this is key- to the take action by participating in the life observed..

  22. This had me smiling. Because, ya know, I can totally picture the outfits. Obama would look hot in a corset. Maybe McCain would do a little button-pushing confinement play, letting Palin put him in a tiger cage.

    And really, what’s with people who get so snarky about a nice, free, amusing column. If they’d paid hundreds of dollars for a seminar and didn’t like it, fine, be grouchy. But you don’t have to read this. Just click away to TPE_Gorean_Furry_Ageplay.com and read some truly kinky material.

  23. Betcha kitschnsync is a wannabe “sex blogger” who can’t get a paying job. Sounds like sour grapes to me… why else bitch about what you get for free?

  24. mayhem, many college freshmen still haven’t recovered from the time a couple of months ago when Palin said that McCain had tapped her. Her Drill baby Drill chant is just enough to send those poor boys over the edge.

  25. Matisse!!! You are absolutely brilliant. Your parody of the whole policical situation is quite outrageous, and you had me laughing hysterically. Keep up the good work.

  26. Trolling or not, free or not, Matisse manages to take a the topic of bdsm which I find endlessly fascinating, incredible dull. Maybe it’s just a column for vanilla people, which is fine; it’s a good thing to reach out to people who might not know as much about a community especially if they are interested. But then shouldn’t she stick to actual information instead of vague political satire?

  27. Information about what? how to spank someone? that would be dull as hell week after week. I for one know how I wanna have sex, I like hearing what’s in matisse’s head.

  28. I work for a newspaper, so I can offer some insight here.

    OF COURSE this is a column for vanilla people, the same way that Dan Savage’s column is a column by a gay man for straight people.

    I see that Matisse writes about a number of topics that fall more or less under the “sex” heading. This is not a “bdsm column” per se, it’s an opinion column by someone who’s into bdsm, among other things.

    It’s damn short. I thinks she generally does a good job within the word count, but there is only so much you can do in such a limited space. She’s written longer pieces that show a more nuanced voice. But that’s not as possible here.

    The trouble with any kind of “identity” opinion column, whether it’s race, gender, sexual orientation, or whatever, is that people come to it with a preconceived idea of what THAT kind of person should think and say. That’s why I, as a journalist, think they are usually a bad idea, and that’s what I see happening here.

    Either you like MM’s style or you don’t. But given all the factors, I doubt it will ever change drastically.

  29. I wasn’t the least bit bored imagining BO in latex but then, I have an imagination. Poor tbird has none so the fact that he’ll never be fucked (or dominated) by the calliber of MM leaves him with no hope, not even a jerk off fantasy… Hence his need to act out. Poor tbird.

  30. Lord, but the image of Traditional Leatherman McCain will stay with me far longer than it ought to. I’d be horrified, if I wasn’t so amused. XD

  33. John McCain couldn’t really do bondage, though, or whippings, which is not to say he couldn’t participate at all.

    Probably with all the suaveness of John Kerry eating a cheesesteak or George H.W. Bush buying socks, but that’s equally true of pretty much any politician. Except Michael Bloomberg.

    Also, @cdngrrl: first rule of the Internet, pointing out spelling or grammar lapses causes typos

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