People who aren’t into BDSM ask me sometimes, “Don’t you ever just want to have regular sex?” It’s hard to know how to answer that. For one thing, you’d have to define precisely what makes sex regular versus nonregular. But I think people who ask this are imagining me wiggling into a latex catsuit and getting out the floggers every time I want to have an orgasm. Which, of course, I don’t. I don’t know any kinky people who do that with their long-term partners. So, yes, I have sex where I don’t use special costumes and equipment, and where I’m not acting out a highly stylized role. But while I don’t always need all the bells and whistles of BDSM, I do want to have really good sex.
I have learned a basic premise of how to make sex hot for me, which I can convey in one slightly vulgar statement: Someone has to run the fuck.
I’m not talking about overt dominance and submission in the BDSM sense of those words. Good sex is like partner dancing: There must be someone who leads, and there must be someone who follows. Both partners are equally important, but you have to dance your part. It doesn’t have to be the same arrangement every time you take to the floor, although people do often prefer one role to the other. You can even switch leads halfway through, if that’s your style. But whether you always take the same parts or you decide dance by dance, someone has to take control and lead you both through the steps for the dance to be reliably brought to a happy ending.
That the matter is even open to question is a fairly recent cultural development. Before the rise of feminism, men were supposed to lead sexually, and women to follow. Now we’re slowly getting hip to the fact that it’s neither desirable nor realistic to assign those roles based on gender. There’s much more space for talented and skillful sexual dancers to make up their own steps. But with something as laden with tension and performance anxiety as sex, a lot of people are happy to have a partner who takes control and directs the action toward a mutually pleasurable climax.
I think I’d be a strong sexual lead no matter what career path I’d chosen. But my natural inclination paired with my professional experience means that when I get into bed with a new lover, I always assume I’ll be the one running the fuck, and I’m rarely mistaken in that assumption. However, I do occasionally meet people who want to be Fred Astaire to my Ginger Rogers. If I think you have some sweet moves you can show me, then I’m open to letting you twirl me around the floor. Just remember that when it comes to sex, you need to either lead, follow, or get out of the way. 
there is a saying good leaders follow… I would have to say, wether I’m fucking the shit out of my partner… or snuggling, or whatever… I’m mostly paying attention to her and “us”… rarely do I focus on ‘me’… in that sense.. I feel its not who leads or follows… we are both in this thing together… now, of course…. at certain points… in some sort of way, there is definite leading and following… but the greatest mutually mind-blowing situations for me are aways about “us”.
@1 – You’ve abused the privilege of ellipses. No more ellipses for you.
@2 – probably best deny him parentheses too
Ok, this is the first Matisse column I don’t really relate to. Not to say I haven’t run the fuck myself plenty of times (and maybe had it run on me once or twice), but I haven’t found that a good screw is solely contingent on someone taking charge, as it were. In fact, for the majority of the sex I have had, I couldn’t really tell you who “led” overall. Interesting.
I find this really insightful and helpful, actually. The simile to dancing is good … a skilled couple develop a satisfying style all their own. Or new partners feel secure within the framework. And “leading” doesn’t mean imposition or dominance, rather the leader is the giving, empowering one.
A great thing I read in some FetLife forum . . . “I’m a kinky person. Therefore, whatever kind of sex I’m having, it’s kinky sex.”
And I do agree about “running the fuck.” My former partner and I were both majorly switchy, and often switched in mid scene–and I think that was true for sex as well. Even in a fairly vanilla scenario, the lead would switch back and forth. And one thing we always joked about . . . in our swing-dance class, the instructor used to always say, “Every error is the lead’s fault.” I don’t really agree, but it’s still funny.
I’d give #1 full elipsis rights back if I was convinced their use (in this case) signified utterances between thrusts.
For some unknown reason this column reminded me of my days in the Army, during which a superior officer stumbled into one of our typical breakdowns of organization and screamed at the top of his lungs “WHO’S IN CHARGE OF THIS GOAT-
FUCK?!” I think that MM missed her true calling by not enlisting.
LOve MM’s description of “Running the Fuck”.
I love this column. I miss those days when the “lead” role could change depending upon needs. Now I am always R.T.F. but ONLY when Miss N is ready and ONLY in the exact certain way etc. etc. The “Fred and Ginger” simile is likewise excellent
T
I have learned a basic premise of how to make sex hot for me, which I can convey in one slightly vulgar statement: Someone has to run the fuck. . . . Good sex is like partner dancing: There must be someone who leads, and there must be someone who follows.
There must be someone who leads and there must be someone who follows…for you to have good sex. What is true for you doesn’t hold true for everyone else. This may be what you’re saying since in the first part you do write that someone has to run the fuck to make the sex hot “for me.” But when you go on to compare it to partner dancing and write that “there must be someone who leads, and there must be someone who follows”, it sure seems like you’re claiming that what gets you hot must have to happen for everyone else to get hot.