Ring ring!
Me: Hello?
Caller: Mistress Matisse? Yeah, I’m calling because… well, I saw
you once, several years ago. And it was great. But I’ve been reading
those news stories about the madam in DC who gave her phone records to
the media, and then everyone found out that senator from Louisiana had
been calling her. And it kinda got me worried.
Me: So, you called me to tell me that you’re worried about people
finding out that you called me?
Caller: I’m on a pay phone.
Me: Ah. Well, I can assure you that I wouldn’t do that, and besides,
unlike that madam, lots of people call me just to tell me they liked my
column or ask me for a little sex advice. That happens all the time. So
even if someone got a copy of the phone company’s records—which
is highly unlikely—just having your number in there doesn’t mean
anything.
Caller: Maybe so, but what about your private records?
Me: Private records? There’s no such thing. I don’t keep written
records of who comes to see me for sessions.
Caller: You don’t? Oh, come on, sure you do.
Me: No, I really don’t. Mostly just because I can’t be bothered, but
also so that they don’t fall into the wrong hands. I just rely on my
memory when it comes to people I’ve seen before.
Caller: Hey, no offense, but that’s what you’d say, isn’t
it? But how do I know that?
Oh, good lord. How about because if I was willing to keep
detailed records of names and dates and contact information on the
people I dealt with, I’d work at the Department of Motor Vehicles. One
of the many benefits of being part of the underground economy is that I
don’t have to do shit like that.
Me: I guess you don’t. You’re just going to have to trust me.
Caller: No, I’m in a real delicate position here. So I’d like to ask
you, with respect, to remove my information from your records. I don’t
want to have to be an asshole about this, but…
Another benefit of my job is that I don’t have to put up with
anyone who gets on my nerves, and my patience, never renowned for its
longevity, is definitely beginning to fray. This guy’s worried about me
keeping his information confidential, so he calls me up and tries to
get heavy with me? He’s lucky I don’t keep records, because if I did
I’d be writing “Not the sharpest tool in the shed” next to his
name.
Me: Look, sweetie, I just told you—I don’t keep records.
There’s nothing to remove your name from.
Caller: No, I just don’t believe that.
Me: Okay, fine. You tell me your name and phone number, and I’ll
remove it from these records you’re sure I have.
There’s a long pause, and then the phone goes dead. Chalk one up
for the spirit of cooperation.
THURSDAY 8/2
RAIN CITY JACKS
Rain City Jacks is a private, men-only JO club that’s alcohol-,
smoke-, and attitude-free. Raincityjacks.org, rc@raincityjacks.org, 7—10 pm
(doors close at 8 pm), membership required.
FRIDAY 8/3
WOMEN-ONLY NIGHT AT THE WET SPOT
Socialize, flirt, and do BDSM with the girls. All orientations
welcome. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, Building E, 270-9746, women-only@wetspot.org, 9
pm—2 am, $15, members only, female ID required.
EROS EVENTS SWING PARTY: ORAL SEX 101
This Eastside swingers’ group is throwing an orally oriented party,
with informational workshops for both genders. Single men must request
to be added to the waiting list; couples and single women can just show
up. Eros Events, 425-868-8169, www.eros-events.org, 7 pm, new people
must arrive by 7:30 pm, $30 for new couples, $50 for returning couples,
$30 for single women.
SATURDAY 8/4
LAMINATE FLOORING INSTALLATION DEMONSTRATION
Laminate flooring was invented in 1977 by the Swedish company Pergo.
From the very beginning, we knew there was something different and
special about laminate flooring. First, it was packaged eight planks to
a carton, approximately four feet, or half the length of packaged wood
flooring. This lightweight, easy-to-handle carton could be transported
by car or in an elevator with ease, even though its contents equaled
approximately 20 square feet, or two square meters. Because of these
revolutionary factors and ease of installation, a large do-it-yourself
market was created in Sweden that persists today. In fact, over 90
percent of laminate flooring in Sweden still is self-installed! Come
experience a demonstration of how to install this amazing material,
using a system of tongue in groove and glue. IKEA, 601 SW 41st
Street, Renton, www.ikea-usa.com/Seattle. Free at
noon, 2, and 4 pm.
SUNDAY 8/5
ADVANCED ROPE BONDAGE: SUSPENSION
Jim Duval teaches suspension bondage with demos and drills. Previous
rope experience required—this is not a class for new riggers.
Wear loose clothing and bring rope. Limited to 16 people,
preregistration required. Please contact jim@jimduvall.com for information about
prerequisites and registration. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, Building
E, 270-9746, www.sexpositiveculture.org, 10
am—6 pm, $100, membership not required.
MONDAY 8/6
THE WOMEN’S WELCOMING COMMITTEE
A friendly discussion group for women of all orientations, the WWC
meets monthly to answer questions and provide resources for women new
to the Seattle BDSM/fetish community. Rosebud Restaurant & Bar, 719 E Pike St, www.wwcseattle.org, 7—9
pm, $3 suggested donation.