Dear Science

Dear Science,

I know you’re busy working on an army of mind-controlled monkey
slave warriors, but I thought you’d be interested in performing experiments on an actual human
baby!

Our first child is due shortly, and we promised some friends we
would make a video of some basic experiments, like whether the baby can
immediately recognize the mother’s and father’s voice at birth.

What kind of really wild experiments would you do? Wild, but safe
and legal. And probably not something that would take too much time or
require truckloads of special equipment and staff. And something for
which his mother won’t kill me.

Baby Experimenter

Science simply adores this question—experiments on and
empiric measures of offspring? Count me in.

Most of the really interesting stuff happens inside your infant’s
head. Billions of connections between neurons in your child’s brain
are being generated, pruned, or strengthened. Just observing when and
in what order abilities pop up should be fascinating.

Your first experiment—testing for recognition of mom and
dad—is an insightful one, if a bit early. Recognizing parents,
with a smile (awww), is the first major milestone in human social
development, at about four to six weeks after birth. Next? A sense
of humor—a squeal of joy at the right time—at 3 months old.
See? Human beings are wonderful, kind, gentle beasts! Observe if your
child is among them.

However, if I know my readers, I know you want to do a proper
interventional study. Place an object in front of your child and see
with which hand she attempts to grasp it. (Most of us gain this ability
when we’re 5 months old.) Start early, maybe at 2 or 3 months,
placing a tempting object right between your child’s hands. When
does she start reaching with one hand preferentially over the other?
That’s the start of handedness, of brain lateralization for your
kid. Buy the baseball mitt early and save.

How about object constancy? Does your baby realize that things
continue to exist, even when he cannot directly observe them? (If
this question does not make sense to you right now, stop reading. Smoke
some pot. Resume at the start of the paragraph. All should be clear.)
Most kids start testing this notion at around a year of age, hence the
endless games of peek-a-boo and “I drop this, you pick it up.” When the object comes back enough times, the kid has figured out things
exist even if unnoticed.

The evil experiment? Change the object you return each time. Drop a ball? Return a block. See how long it takes the kid to figure
out the bizarre scheme. Warning! This might make your child more
likely to believe in transubstantiation, and therefore prone to
Catholicism later in life.

Evaluatingly Yours,

Science

Send your science questions to dear
science@thestranger.com.