Despite your protestations to the contrary, I was, in fact, as
gentle and diplomatic as possible last night when I explained to you
that your personal odor was offensive to the other customers at the bar
and that the situation needed to improve. Here’s what I really wanted
to say: You stank-ass, skank-ass, smelly fucking hippie. You make me
want to puke when I walk by you. I can smell you from the bar when
you’re out on the dance floor. I didn’t light that incense next to you
to make the atmosphere kinder; I did it because people were leaving
because of your rank fucking odor. Take a shower. Eat healthier. Buy
some fucking deodorant. You smell like microwaved garbage—like a
foot that’s been marinated in a dead cow’s ass and then boiled in swamp
water with onions. No one wanted to offend your delicate sensibilities
by telling you, but everyone, and I mean everyone, was talking about
how bad you smelled. And leaving. And asking me wasn’t there something
I could do about it? And so I did. And I was as nice about it as I
could be, ’cause that’s the kind of guy I am. But if I never see your
fat, smelly, ugly, one-dance-move-having carcass again, it’ll be too
soon. It makes my gorge rise just thinking about you. Ugh.

46 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  3. wow, what could possibly be cooler than posting the first comment on I anonymous? Posting it twice! Nice job, ugh. Now eveyone can see how cool you are

  5. i have bounced a lot of people for a lot of reasons, but the one that is the most popular is still “the hippy guy, really reeks”. i think it is the combo of hippy life style, and hot dance floor.

  6. love to see people with hygiene problems are automatically hippies. I doubt you’re old enough to have met an actual hippie. And there are polite ways to tell someone that there’s a problem. Just hope that you’re never the stinky person-’cause we all know your shit is pure roses.

  7. One of the better I Anonymous posts…have to remember the line -‘you smell like a foot that’s been marinated in a dead cow’s ass and then boiled in swamp water with onions’ – in case I ever need to break it down for someone.

  9. Yep, I posted first to be cool. That’s why I used the fake name “ugh.” So that my fame can spread far and wide. Retards.

  10. Thank you so much for writing this… but I wanted to add that these sentiments can be applied to most twenty-something hipsters as well. take a shower. wash your hair. wash your clothes. wear deoderant. and reapeat regularly.

  11. I understand that some people want to be more natural, or that you may like that natural smell, but when you are talking to someone and their eyes are tearing up it is because you stink. Your stinky natural scent is burning our eyes with your acidic rant stink. Rule of thumb, if you are in a crowded public space, use something, deoderant, poweder or go wash you stank pits every couple of hours.

  12. Oh, salvation! So sick of the trend of butt hurt posts on I, Anonymous… Praise jeebus for the return of smart assedness to this column.

  16. Too bad he was probably too stoned to retain any of the hygienic advice. I fucking hate those people, what do they do besides waste space? I swear they just go from festival to festival.

  23. See, the thing is, if someone’s a rank smelly bastard and happens to be wearing jeans and a t-shirt, that person still gets bounced. But throw dreadlocks, a baja shirt, a set of clothes that haven’t been washed in eons and a concept of personal hygiene that equates to “it’s natural perfume, man, I love it” equals fuck off. I can bounce you whenever I want. You reek. Hell, I’d bounce a chick drenched in vanilla perfume or a guy who took a shower in Axe body spray. It isn’t the scent, it’s the strength of the odor.

    And fuck their sensibilities – that guy’s an asshole.

  24. on a totally unrelated note, i was messing around with hide glue and wet sinew and omg… the aroma after awhile was something akin to 3 week old beef ramen thats been curdling inside a dead hookers hooch.
    Makes me think about going veg.

  28. I wasn’t there, so I know nothing about the specific event.

    I’m not into stink. But a little normal human body odor is so much better than toxic chemical stink. Don’t think your perfumes and deodorants are toxic? Do some research. People should be clean and should eat decent food. IF YOU WANT TO FIND THE RIGHT PARTNER, YOU MUST BE ABLE TO GET A HINT OF THEIR TRUE SCENT. Get a clue, clueless ones.

  29. yes, because the kind of potential sexual partners you can meet at bars are just desperate–DESPERATE!–to get a whiff of your natural “human body odor.” damn those non-hippie, odorless freaks!

    you know who wants to smell natural scents? that freaky guy in the cage next to hannibal lecter in ‘silence of the lambs’ who tells clarice starling he can smell her cunt. yep. hippies and serial killers. that is your potential dating pool.

  30. Antiperspirant with aluminum is the key. You don’t need a strong perfume-y scent, just something to keep you from sweating too much. Plenty of “natural” scent is still there for anyone you get real close to but it’s a scent instead of a rank stink.

  32. There once was a defiant young groom
    Who set out to test his perfume.
    By adding Everclear
    To his pint of beer
    He cleared out the entire room!

  34. I had a friend go down the I’m not bathing stink path. She was one of the hot silver spoon with a paper plate punk chicks. I told her it was’t working — “Good Friends stay after the kegs kicked, everybody leave when you stink.”

    She was the lead singer for the band “Shot Gun Wedding” out of Philly. She was a great chick. Anybody know what happend to the band?

  35. I miss the days when smoke covered up the stink of the people in bars and clubs… I don’t smoke but that sure beats the scent of stinky ass.

  38. @ 30
    Aluminum in antiperspirants penetrates your skin and can damage tissues. It’s a toxic man-made chemical. It’s been found in cancer tissue. Sweat is an odorless liquid; what produces odor is waste created by bacteria who live on the skin and feed on sweat. So you don’t have to prevent sweating, which is a normal, beneficial physiological process; you need to eliminate the bacteria that cause the odor. Use rock crystal, it’s a natural mineral salt that can’t penetrate your skin and it effectively prevents the bacteria on your skin from creating odor. Lasts for at least 24 hours after application on clean, wet skin.

  39. I once went to a hippie college. I found that REAL hippies often bathe twice a day, because they don’t believe in modern antiperspirant, yet we were living in South Florida so everyone got sweaty. To avoid bowling the rest of us over, the hippies bathed, and frequently. Therefore, if you got close to them you could smell their natural scent, but it was still always clean. As a result, that sort of thing no longer grosses me out, it’s normal.

    So, please…don’t call Stank-Ass a hippie. He may fancy himself one, but he isn’t–or at least, he’s a sole practitioner, because the real hippies he wishes he could associate with are too busy taking care of their hygiene!

  41. actually, about savagebarrt’s comment, there have been instances where people have gotten married and then a partner will change their deodorant or what have you and suddenly there’s no more chemistry. its not just scent though, anything that messes with your phere/hor mones can distort a relationship. my sister was dating a guy for a year, and when she went off her birth control for the first time she stopped being attracted to him. and when she started the pill again she was suddenly hot for him again. mess with that stuff at your own risk…

  42. I have a coworker with a serious BO problem. I secretly go into his office when he is not there and spray febreeze. What is the polite way to tell someone that they smell bad in a way that you can continue to have a positive working environment after the talk.

  46. @42 There isn’t. Unless you want to hire a few actors to walk up to him outside of work and tell him he has hideous BO.

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