What I’m going to do to you tonight is absolute genius. For the past week, I have not been able to sleep because I’ve been so mad at you. My boss has been annoyed with my work ethic, my mother can’t understand why I sound like I’m on drugs, and you think I’m sick. You dumb bitch—I can’t sleep because I can’t stop thinking about the fact that you are SUCKING DOWN MY COUSIN’S COCK LIKE A FUCKING HOOVER VACUUM. That’s right, whore, I found out. But I will no longer be mad after tonight. This plan is so devious that I already cannot help smiling. I’ve worked at building our marriage for two years and you fucked it up, so now I’m going to fuck up something that it took you two years to build. Tonight, I will shave off your dreadlocks in your sleep. Ha. Have fun looking like a dyke.