I’m dying. Not right now, not tomorrow. But I am. I have a genetic
disorder, the complications of which will eventually kill me. I know
how I’m going to die: I am going to suffocate slowly and painfully. I
never thought I was going to know how I was going to die. But now I do.
It seems like I should be scared, but I am almost comforted by the lack
of mystery. I am going to miss out on a lot of things. Like kids. I
won’t have any. I won’t raise any. I won’t get to take my daughter to
piano lessons as she complains. I won’t be able to watch my son almost
win the spelling bee. And I want that so much. But it is highly
unlikely that I will be able to do that.
I, Anonymous
I KNOW HOW I’M GOING TO DIE
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And I complain about a few extra pounds. I suck.
You’d be wise to look both ways before you cross the street today.
oof. this is a bit heart wrenching
This is why we passed the death with dignity law.
To anonymous: what is it that you are dying from?
Wow, what’s with the heavy I anon? No one cum in their friend’s yoohoo bottle and give them herpes this week?
sounds like cystic fibrosis. that blows. I also suck.
If I had to guess, I’d say anonymous is suffering from Cystic Fibrosis. It’s a genetic disease that often causes men to become infertile as well as causing excess mucus production and difficulty breathing, which ultimately result in suffocation. Not a pretty way to go.
Good luck, anon. I hope you manage to wring as much enjoyment out of life with the time you have left.
Got me a chronic blood clot inducing condition myself… Nearly died once, probably won’t survive the next time. I know what it’s like. Take the drugs, fight the shit. It’s all you can do.
Not to be insensitive or split hairs … but one cannot assume anything … One can perish tomorrow in a car wreck instead (or see #2) .. Wish we had #4 in the ‘progressive’ state of Kalifornicators … Or how about the soldier(s) who return from duty in Iraq only to meet their demise in a violent crime in the good ole USA….
I too have a genetic condition that will someday kill me, it’s called life.
@6
Amazing question, thank you for the light hearted laugh and the even better signature.
To I Anon: I won’t be so trite as to offer empty and uneducated reassurances, but I hope you’re able to put life on its knees and fuck it hard from behind. That is, enjoy what’s there.
(Assuming it’s a man due to the “raise children” as opposed to “have children”)
Sounds like CF, but you can have a decent life AND kids with CF. I’m a doc, I’ve got patients with CF in their late 30s, stable disease and families. So I’m curious to know what the condition is.
I hope the time you have is good. While not quite the same, caring for my elderly parents has shown me how undignified, complicated and cruel the medical system cane be. Here’s to the best days…
Maybe you could run a foster home. Love up some kids, enjoy some beautiful little life.
Good luck making the most of it. It is definitely possible.
You are focusing on all that you will not be able to do when your focus should be on everything that you can do. Enjoy the life that you have. Everyone has hidden challenges and problems. At least yours don’t restrict you from loving those close to you now and reaching out to others.
Take good care of yourself and make the most of the gift of life. Make a point to enjoy each and every little thing that you may be grateful for. It is hard now, but one of the worst things in life is to look back and realize how much you had at one point that you did not appreciate and make the most of. I know from experience and struggle to focus on today and making the most of what is in front of me.
Ultimately it is your job to live the life you have to the fullest, that is the only way in which to defeat CF and not let it define who you are. Look into options that will give you hope, spend your time in the company of wonderful people, seek out alternative treatments, and make the best of all that you do have. Never give up hope, there are always exceptions: I know that from experience as well. I wish you the very best!
If people are looking for a diagnosis, I would also put in a guess for Guillan-Barre. They thought I had it once and it’s probably the most scared I’ve ever been in my life. If you know you have limits on both time and ability, I hope you live well and take advantage of the resources available.
Knowledge is power. You know you are going to die. I don’t know if I am going to die. You have the power. Use it.
Aaaaaand that’s why I’m shutting up now…
I can relate with that completely. I to am dying from complicarions from a disease. I just feel numb about the whole thing.
Wow, that sucks. But sometimes doctors are not that great at predicting these things. There are a lot of people walking around on “borrowed time” because the effects of even terminal illnesses vary from person to person a great deal. Get a second opinion, even a third. And if you don’t feel comfortable making long term plans, make some short term ones – do something distracting and fun before you are too sick to do anything – make the most out of what you’ve got left.
I don’t know how I’m going to die, but I know how my father will: he has metastatic lung cancer. The smartest man I’ve known is trying to tell my mom that the stereo remote also controls the pump that will empty the washbasin (the only pump in the house is connected to a well to water the trees, and it’s not remote controlled). I handed him the TV remote after he dropped it yesterday, and he spent a good minute and a half trying to figure out how to turn it on.
For fuck’s sake, people, don’t smoke – quit as often as you have to, because this might not be the worst way to die, but it’s ripping my family apart.
I have a friend who was told he had six months to live. That was ten years ago. I suggest you keep living your life to the fullest, because in the end, you may not ending up dying the way you think. He now has a wife and two kids. Now he realizes that even if he dies and leaves them behind, his and their lives are all richer for him embracing his time left.
Right on, Jeanine! I, too, have friends who have beaten the “life-or-death” odds, and lived much longer than the time given.
Anon, you have all my deepest heartfelt sympathy. Life your remaining days to the fullest. Those closest to you will be very grateful for the time spent with you, and having had the pleasure of knowing you.
you know some times life has a way of forcing you to experience things you would of never dreamed of doing.. i am facing war i don’t know if ill ever come back. in that aspect i face death also.. but for you maybe you can volunteer at a children’s hospital they face the same issue. together i bet you some sort of peace will develop. most important believe in God.. don’t blame god for your illness sometimes the body can not take being on earth. from one passing soul to another.. live love and keep it steppen…
Do not give up hope. That is the most important thing to remember. You might know that you are going to die and that you are going to die in a excruciatingly painfully way. That is no reason to live for today.
My brother-in-law was Jesse Gelsinger. If you’re not familiar with the name wikipedia and several websites have information. His name is part of a landmark case of the mismanagement of gene therapy in the early 2000’s. He also suffered an incredibly painful, dangerous and unpredictable gene disorder. He was constantly falling in and out of comas, having an insanely restrictive lifestyle. And all the pain and emotional isolation that comes from living a life like yours. Then at 18 he died in the hands of doctor’s conducting gene therapy trails at the University of Pennsylvania. As an act of good will, trying to find a vaccine for the infants with the disorder that barely live the first week.
But you, you can have hope. Jesse wasn’t supposed to live, and it was by fluke he live and that he died. While this may not be your case, and death is imminent to us all. Every breath is closer to death. It just IS. So, why give up on something you can’t change? This is all we got. Hell, I could die in a fiery car crash today. We all could. I’ve got a couple of chronic illness I battle with everyday at the age of 21, and as painful as they are I cannot imagine the position your in.
What do you believe? I’m atheist. And I figure, we were not in pain before we came into consciousness, why should we be in pain afterwords?
You don’t know how you’re going to die. None of us do. You could die in a car crash before the genetic disorder ever gets you.
What I’m saying is, nothing is guaranteed. Enjoy the days you have left. Smile, laugh, and love the people in your life. Babysit someone else’s kids. You are going to die; might as well die happy and loved.