You were looking for a “real job.” Your references were glowing, but
I couldn’t shake that feeling in the pit of my stomach that something
just wasn’t quite right. You knew how to play the game and said
everything any boss would want to hear: I take pride in my work, I
love to be challenged, I will do whatever I can to help out. You
made me think you were someone who actually gave a fuck.
You had a new crisis every time we talked: Your boyfriend left you,
your mom was in the hospital, your cat died, you couldn’t have kids,
you were pregnant, your car was stolen, your grandma died, your sister
cut you out of her life. Too bad none of it was true and you were only
making up stories so you could keep your cushy job while you stayed
home smoking meth with your loser boyfriend and reveled in the sympathy
of the coworkers you drew into your web of lies. We believed your
bullshit and offered you our unconditional support.
You had to know it couldn’t last, that we would catch on to you one
day. When that day came, you blamed everyone else for your downfall.
You even tried to tell the folks at Unemployment that I harassed you,
when all I ever did was try to get you to go to treatment.
That sister—you know, the one you made up? The one who never
wanted to see you again? Turns out she was the only one that could see
the truth. Good riddance, you fucking cunt.
Ahhh, if only I could cut loose some of the dead weight in my office. Stupid civil service rules!
Now THERE’S a good I Anon
FIRST COMMENT. pretty good column. sociopath.
Should’t it be “meth-addicted cunt?”
Soulless.
@4: Good point. The cartoon clearly illustrates that her cunt has the addiction.
The illustration is my favorite part. It might just be beyond awesome.
Being the kind of person who feels the need to write “FIRST COMMENT” in comment threads is embarrassing enough, but when that comment that you took the time to put in all caps is actually THIRD? Yikes.
tenth! woohoo! Sesame street worked for me and can work for you too!!!
Obviously this chick still has all her teeth despite smoking meth.
What’s her secret? Does she actually smoke the pipe with her cunt?
Meanwhile there are tons of decent, hardworking people without addictions looking for work and your company picks this loser? Let me guess – she was willing to work for less and you were trying to get someone on the cheap. Or maybe she had a personal friend at the company and your nepotism friendly company just couldn’t take a chance on someone without connections. I hope you, your boss and your entire HR department feel really stupid because you deserve it.
(“Sew”)
Wait. If she was made up, how could she see the truth? What a confusing way to end a great rant.
So are you hiring now?
l don’t have a boyfriend; my mom’s healthy as a horse; my cat is healthy as well; l probably won’t be having kids in this lifetime (by choice and timing); l’m not getting pregnant anytime soon; l don’t drive; my grandma’s a mean racist; l don’t have a sister, and my brother’s ten years old and in another country.
Oh, also, l don’t smoke meth.
hey number 12… maybe she wasn’t a bitter ingrate and didn’t project her negative thinking empty soul during her interview.
17TH!!
Good work, Josh.
I fucking hate sociopaths. Why does everyone always believe their bullshit? Scrutinize a little better, people, or else these fuckers will guiltlessly shit all over you.
There are companies left in this country that don’t test for drugs? Really? Most don’t even give you an interview if you don’t pee in the dixie cup.
@20- Meth is out of your system in 2-4 days, so it’s not too hard to pass a test. Once you land the job, all bets are off.
I didn’t get the illustration. Then I read the article, thinking maybe it would flesh things out a bit, but it didn’t, really. After reading these comments I think I understand, but I’m left wondering why I bothered. So, an employee of yours yanked your chain and you fell for it? Well, what of it?
It happens all the time, grow some skin already.
Ha ha! Getting off on rescuing people draws manipulators like this – flies to shit – every doormat needs muddy boots to feel useful, etc.
I like the illustrator, but at first glance I always get a little extra excited because I think it’s Forney. Oops.
AWESOME IA
This happened at my place of work. The meth addict was the sister of the office manager AND she came cheap (that’s for you, #12). She got away with all of the tardiness and no call/no shows because she was the sister of the office manager.
She ended up quitting because she felt she didn’t get enough respect and, just like the meth addict in this column, told unemployment that she was harassed.
She ended up with a few of those little known albeit very common meth aneurysms and is currently living off of State assistance, food stamps, and I know not what else.
P.S. Her replacement manages to do even less than she did.
uh, @12, chill. sometimes people can put shit over on you. your lack of employability or whatever the fuck your issue is isn’t the fault of meth addicts. i’m a cynic, but jesus. chill the fuck out. only a psycho could make this about how stupid corporate america is. (not that i disagree with that point)
on topic, this is one of the best fucking IA’s i’ve read in a very long time.
@14
The sister, albeit made up, was the one person who cut her (the employee) out of her life, and therefore saw the truth.
woo hoo! that leaves the position wide open for all the meth(adone)addicts! new excuses, never heard before!!!
I want a tee-shirt of the picture. Even out of context, it would raise many questions…
Wow, it sounds like this guy hired my ex-girlfriend..
unfortunately this sounds like me 5 years ago. luckily i had an epiphany on psychedelics (mushrooms) sorted things out, and havent touched the shit since.. hope the girl gets help
12! Yay 12! You got that picture right. You go grrl!
# 31 – very cool. Would like to hear about the details….
“but I couldn’t shake that feeling in the pit of my stomach that something just wasn’t quite right” – Oh, but you IGNORED it and hired her despite your intuition because she had nice tits, a shaved pussy, sucked you off under your desk, let you blow on her face….whatever dude, you fucked up.