Why, in these days of swine flu, do you have to touch my newborn
baby? Just because we’re at the grocery store or church at the same
time does not give you the right to paw my child. Her immune system
isn’t fully developed yet, and she would get sicker than you with your
germs. You’ll never go to the hospital with her; your life won’t be
ruined if she dies. So keep your hands off! Next time you take a step
toward my baby, ignoring my warning glare, don’t be surprised if I rip
you a new one. recommended

108 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  2. This is so different from my experience. I never had any interest in breeding or babies. Didn’t do it, don’t regret it. However, every time someone I worked with had a kid or, even worse, a grandkid, they just couldn’t wait to bring it to the office and try to force everyone, including me, to hold it. I, would try to get them to stop by explaining that, while it was the best damn baby I had ever seen, I did not want to hold it because I had no experience with babies and was afraid that I would drop it. Then they would try to give me holding instructions. Finally, I just always said that I had a highly communicable cold whenever I was trapped by the baby patrol. I tried to be polite, but those baby patrol women were relentless. The pregnant, “feel my stomach”, ones were pretty pesty too. Oh, I forgot about the ones who tried to trick me into changing diapers for them and the ones who, unasked, tried to tell me lengthy IVF stories.

    I get that you are proud and happy and feeling love, but just because I’m a woman does not mean that I want to get involved in your reproductive experiences.

  4. I love looking at babies and I love looking at pregnant women (weird, i know, but it touches something in my heart). That being said, I have twow things to say

    1. Newborns aren’t toys. In my native culture, babies aren’t taken outside (barring doctor’s appointments) until at least six months. In America, for some weird reason, it’s the opposite. Single parents will have to fend for themselves (and the baby will have to go with them), but the amount of married/”involved” people who I meet who see nothing wrong with dragging their infant everywhere they go (even when the other parent is available to take care of the sprog) is astonishing. So, if you’re one of the people who complains about people touching your baby (while somehow finding it impossible to go anywhere without the baby, even when Daddy or the Grandparents or another trusted person is available), you’re an attention whore and you should go fuck yourself.
    1b. If you’re a man and you’re tired of hearing your SO complain about this type of attention, you need to “grow a pair” and stop expecting her to do all of the “heavy lifting”. My father was (and still is) one of the most lecherous men on the planet. He split up with my mother a few weeks after I was born, yet he was able to take time off from hunting for new pussy to take care of me on a regular basis as a newborn, infant, toddler and preschool-aged child (a couple of hours a day of free time did wonders for my mother, and she didn’t develop that pesky post-partum depression). If he could do it, then you can “babysit” (if you want to call it that, as if it’s someone else’s kid or something) the person who you helped create for a few hours a day so that your SO can relieve some stress and get “back to normal”. Susan Smith didn’t decide to drown their kids on a whim; it was a decision made after years of taking care of small children with almost no paternal input apart from bill paying.

    2. I was raised with enough common sense to know that I should keep my hands to myself. As much as I love the children, I don’t know where the hell they’ve been. Asking the mother for permission is far safer than grabbing the child and receiving a lap full of half-digested milk, mucus or “diaper gravy” for your efforts. Always remember the golden rule: treat people the way you’d like to be treated. If you wouldn’t want people to walk up to you and grab your nose ring, the sleeve of your favorite “designer” shirt or your carefully groomed hair, then why the hell would you do the same thing to another human being!? Use your fucking “big boy/big girl” words and ask! If nothing else, it spares you from becoming “that creepy guy”, and it spares us from having to read more whiny, self-absorbed twaddle on “I, Anonymous”.

  7. I don’t even pet someone’s dog without asking permission first. I sure as hell don’t touch a PERSON without asking, unless I’m pulling them back from an out-of-control bus or something. That includes the new persons.

    That being said, I also agree with @104 – I don’t want to hold the baby. Thanks for asking, but no. The last child one of my co-workers had, my boss actually sent out a note saying, “I know everyone will want to hold the baby, so here’s the time for each of you to go to the conference room.” Are you fucking KIDDING me? Then I turn into a pariah because I don’t go at my designated baby-holding time. I have nothing against babies, I’m just not that interested in interacting with them. More power to those who are.

    But for chrissake, ask permission before you touch anyone’s kid, of any age, unless it’s about to fall into a hot barbecue or something.

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