I, Anonymous

1. This is a joke, right?

   My boyfriend is always jumping into bed with people who are the same race as me if they are wearing similar jeans. He’s not sleeping around, he’s just confused easily. Not me though. I understand that rapists and people who kick me out of a bar are the same thing. I’m pregnant and get noisy at bars when I spend $80 drinking soda. But I have a right to be there! I’m staying, even though I hate you, and it’s hard for me not to kill you right now. Don’t anger me, for I am about to kill.

2. Lighten up Francis.

3. Lighten up Francis.

4. I think I actually heard about the screaming bartender. Maybe it was his version of the story. Can’t exactly remember but I think it was a commenter.

5. last weeks was WAY better.
   im fucking starving.

6. WTF? that is all.

7. hmmm seems to me like you might be making excuses for why your boyfriend cheated…. he didn’t know it wasn’t you? ok, thats an awesome line. kudos to your boyfriend if he made it up. it couldn’t possibly be that your ass is so loud and obnoxious that you get thrown out of a bar even when you HAVEN’T been drinking, could it???

8. i really hope the baby is douchebags from the first paragraph.

9. The only two things I know about my girlfriend are that she is Chilean and she wears dark blue jeans.

10. This anonymous is clearly a boderline PD drunken slut who is pickling her unborn child in alcohol.

    And self-deluded too.

11. Excellent. This is Springer-like in its tawdriness. The anger is frightening. The poster obviously deserves the indignation she was served. Holla.

12. I ATE THE BABY. WITH SCREAMING FISH AND JEANS OH NO THE FISH WAS WHAT SOMEONE ELSE STABBED.

    THANK YOU, STAPLER FOR PIGS!

13. Gross, ignorant, loud… How daaarrree you ruin the atmosphere of a nice restaurant for everyone else with your laughter that was enough to prompt the bartender to scream at and eject you?! Please do assault the woman your boyfriend cheated with (unless she, too, is pregnant – haha). Please do go to jail. Please spend your next 10 birthdays away from civilized society.

    And everyone else, ladies and gentlemen alike, the next time you’re out celebrating with your friend(s), discreetly make a 10- to 15-second recording of any segment of your conversation. Listen to it the next day and ask yourself whether you should have been in a quiet restaurant or perhaps a sports bar.

14. I have seen many a loud asshole at a quiet restaurant/bar who never got his/her ass tossed out. How loud do you have to be to make that happen?

15. Is this I, Anonymous or Drunk of the Week?

    What race is this woman and the loathsome cunt who can have sex with their pants on? Are the stenchy holes of this race located in a more accessible part of their bodies so that they can fuck with their pants on? What race is the drunk boyfriend, and where are his genitals located? What kind of skanky women wear their pants to bed?

    But I do believe the part about her not being drunk. I have noticed that American women, especially on the west coast, are especially loud, no matter how sober they are. It’s like they cannot have fun unless they are at 90 decibels, minimum. God help you if there is a foursome having a girls’ night out. You can hear every word of their mindless conversations over a block away. I salute the bartender at the faux French bistro for kicking them out and making her feel raped (with her pants on). I’m surprised they even heard him. When I yell at bitches like that, it doesn’t even register in their think noggins.

16. Shame on you for choosing to run such a sorry submission.

17. UGH!!!!!!

    and this bitch is pregnant? oh fuck….

18. #15
    You be hilarious!

19. Strangely enough I have more sympathy for the anonymous writer than most of the replies here. Wow you people are full of hatefulness.

    I’ve confused several people for each other under poor lighting while sober. And by the sounds of it, this guy was too drunk to even have sex.

    As for her second complaint, it depends on who did the shouting first and what was said I suppose.

20. Thank you for enlightening me, anon – I had no idea three men holding me down and ripping my pants off was as traumatic as being asked to shut your pie hole in a bar. That said, SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE.

    (Oh noes, did I just rape you via internet?)

21. Uh, isn’t the point of this segment for random people to get their aggression out in an anonymous way, not for the rest of us to get preachy and judgemental? Have none of you ever just needed to vent about something that you did or something that happened to you, even if you, deep down, knew whatever happened was your fault? Look, personal responsibility for our actions is necessary to be mature, rational adults. But fuck, sometimes I need to wash my hands of my part and just blame someone else for a change. Like most people, I enjoy blaming God when my shit hits the fan. So what if she’s going to blame some skank or some uptight bartender? I personally think that in reading this segment we are willingly allowing ourselves to become the “friends” this person chose to bitch about their frustrations. Be a supportive friend to this girl; agree with whatever she says in her moment lacking of personal responsibility for her actions.

22. Maybe Anonymous and her fetusdaddy/boyfriend (assuming they are the same person) are getting married, and that’s what she was talking about with her friend at the bistro. There is NOTHING more annoying and mindless that being trapped in a restaurant near two women talking about the upcoming wedding of one of them. M

23. Both the same race? So all white/black/yellow/brown/misc. people look the same to him? And if he’s so drunk he can’t tell one woman from his own girlfriend, how the hell is he going to identify your *jeans*? Just say he was too drunk, Anon.

24. @21: “Uh, isn’t the point of this segment for random people to get their aggression out in an anonymous way”

    I think that’s what most of us are doing right now.

25. This chick needs to take up meditation or adjust her meds or something….If a bitchy bartender equates in her odd little mind to a rapist, she lacks all sense of perspective and if she actually thinks her boyfriend thought he was in bed with her, she’s lost a vital connection to a little thing I like to call “reality”.

    I pity her child.

26. #19 That’s what she said…what he said…”I was so drunk I didn’t even come plus I thought it was you!” plus her/your hole was STINKY! hahahaha

    #21 I think the whole idea of this column is so we can ridicule and/or comiserate with the poster or thier rants. Otherwise they wouldn’t have this comment part underneath. And if they didn’t want input they could just use a diary.

27. Sometimes I, Anonymous presents a little anecdote that allows us to all chuckle sympathetically and look a little less shamefully at our own secret desires and experiences. And then sometimes it just shows us a human trainwreck.

28. i hate this person. i completely understand why people are rude to her. the world in her mind somehow revolves around her.

29. Hmmmm. I wonder why your boyfriend cheated on you? You seem like such a nice person.

    I’m going to have to use that same-race excuse though. And hopefully my girlfriend won’t notice her missing pair of pants until it’s too late.

    Stenchy Hole might be a decent album title for my new band Courtesy Flush. Worth consideration.

30. I’m the poster and I these things happened so many years ago it’s not even funny. I just always see such tame things on here so I was trying to spice it up! And apparently I did by pissing so many people off! Yay me! The part about her being my race was me being facetious. Chill out. He was just a drunken asshole who obviously got dumped after that. I aborted the child that I was pregnant with by a different man 4 years later when the restaurant incident happened. My friend and I had certainly not been drinking and the bartender was/still is an asshole. Just take this for what it is and not so personal. I was 18 and 21 when this stuffed happened and now I am 24 and have moved on. If you are taking this so literally jokes on you.

31. I will have to say this I, Anon sucks because, well, it’s incoherent.

    P.S. @29 STFU, furry!

32. Hey OP, that was incoherent, too. Time to give up.

33. Sure, “same race, same pants” is a great excuse. Personally, I’m a fan of “Higgs bosons made me do it.”

    “You see, baby, in an alternate future where I didn’t have sex with her stinky hole, I become a physicist, and I produce a higgs boson. That boson cascaded backwards through time and made me fuck her. You can’t argue with quantum physics, baby.”

34. @33 It seems you don’t understand the English vocabulary very well or you just try too hard for lack of witty comments.

35. Poster was mad at the bartender for yelling at her pregnant ass on her birthday and then had an abortion. What’s the connection? Why was it wrong for him to yell at you when you were pregnant? Is that fact even relevant to anything? It must be relevant to something. Were you and your friend too loud for the bartender, plus you were using the place as a vomitorium? Why don’t you address the accusations that you were talking too loudly about your wedding? Is that why you had an abortion? Because the fetusdaddy got sick of hearing about wedding plans at 90 decibels and dumped your ass?

36. #15 for the win! For the record: I, too, get no response when I yell at bitches who are yelling.

37. Sweet Jesus, I feel sorry for the child inside you, lady. Consider giving him/her up for adoption. Please.

38. Ohmygosh. What if the baby is not even yours?! It’s Rosemary’s baby. That gal that was doing your boyfriend was Satan, and then there was a switcheroo, and um… the bartender is part of their little Satan clan thing. That is why he kicked you out! I know, I know. You can thank me later. Quick… uh, hide that Satan baby!

39. At least we’re all in agreement that the author is functionally retarded. It’s nice to have some consensus for a change. Abort, abort!!

40. @#21 xerxex: Uh, isn’t the point of this segment for random people to get their aggression out in an anonymous way, …

    Yes! As are the COMMENTS. As is my comment, ask-MANDING you to STFU from your FACE. Oh and your doctor left a comment on here but it got deleted – the test results came back and you have a bad case of SHUT UP MOUTH.

    Oh, and your weekly copy of HURRPY DURR magazine arrived.

    Am I done ye–?oh the CLUE PHONE rang… guess who it’s for.

41. Mental illness is a tragic thing, Poster. I am glad to hear that you have moved on from these unrelated incidents from years ago. In fact, you have moved on to such an extent that you sent a fevered rant to the Stranger about them within the last few weeks. Seek professional help.

42. she sounds like a huge cunt.

43. for #21–Yeah–I think all the commenters here are getting their rage out in the anonymous forum just like “I, anon.”

44. he was too drunk to know that the stenchy hole didn’t belong to his girlfriend? Am I reading this wrong?

45. You sound very stressed out. Stressed moms tend to have stressed babies, which, obviously, will increase your stress… Perhaps you should consider therapy.

46. This horrid murderess-waiting-to-happen actually bred and will unleash her spawn on the world?

    Excuse me while I go curl up in a fetal position and quietly cry whilst sucking my thumb and begging for my mommy.

47. Oh wow, I just read the comments:

    @21…your really do need to get the fuck over it. If you were, then you would not subject us to your insane ranting. This shit happened three and six years ago.

    And you are a racist.

    And you said that your snatch stunk.

    Please go away.

    Far, far away.

48. Sorry, that was meant for ….not 21. I repeat for 31, NOT 21

49. *yawn*

50. u sound like my x.

51. WOW. You are all ignorant, retarded and unstable assholes – more so than my friend who WROTE this article and who I was WITH on the day this ass-faced FUCK screamed at two innocent girls on one’s fucking birthday in a public fucking restaurant where PEOPLE go to LAUGH and HAVE FUN SOBER-LY. Yes, we were having a good time, yes it happened to be at a bar, and no, we weren’t drinking because mind you, we don’t need alcohol to have fun like most of you Capitol Hill worshipping lunatics.

    Guys cheat on everyone. it doesn’t matter if they are psychos or angelic virgins. EVERYONE gets hurt at one point or another. And yes, some guys are too drunk and too fucking stupid to realize WHO it is they are fucking… because they’ll fuck anything due to their unrelenting insecurity and need for attention that their mothers and fathers failed to give them.

    xerxexrex – please fuck me with your words – in a good way. Thank you for acknowledging that not only is this for venting and releasing frustration, but in the game that we call life, sometimes we DO place blame on the assholes who walk through life treating others like shit. Sometimes blame should be placed out of sheer Karma. The guy deserves to die. Whether or not certain things that happen are our own “faults”, sometimes people just need to be put in their place.

    As for the rest of you idiots who have nothing better to do than rail on this article, why don’t YOU write something worth publishing? Quit reacting and start doing something with your life. The people mentioned in this post deserve what they have coming to them, whether or not its death. They’d be lucky to continue living their meaningless and pitiful lives.

52. @52- Uhm, I can see why the two of you are friends. Neither of you are what I would call terribly stable.

    Your friend wishes death on the woman her ex boyfriend cheated on her with, and not the guy who presumably promised her some form of fidelity. Interesting. She also wished death to a bartender who thought she was being loud and obnoxious. Given your response, I’m fairly certain it was both of you he wanted out. This rather begs the question- since women rarely show in their first trimester, how did the bartender know she was pegnant and/or how would she have gotten an abortion?

    I also thought your opinion that all men cheat beacuse they are insecure and have bad parents rather sad. Both sexes cheat in nearly equal numbers.

    You are both nuts.

53. uhhh, belaugh86 (aka ‘the friend’) what the hell are you railing on about? not only did you USE the caps lock in a very strange way, but your apparent attempt at standing up for your friend was really confusing. in fact, you contridicted her. your first paragraph pretty much just repeated what she said (no explaination or further insight?) the 2nd paragraph didn’t even synch up with your friends story. the 3rd…..made NO FUCKING SENSE AT ALL.
    and the 4th, well, just made you a hypocrite.

    bottomline….i can see why you and this IANON author are friends and get along so well. cookoo!

54. ohhh and @31 (the poster), the jokes’ on us? really? the jokes’ on us, because we’re taking it personally?
    YOU wrote these bullshit stories. noone here is taking anything personally or literally. we’re taking it for what its worth…..btw what is the going rate on a giant bucket of piss these days?

55. Stenchy hole lol rofl

56. –*/applaud #42

    indeed!

57. When I read the first part of your “diatribe” I actually felt sorry for you – then the thing with your race, and your jeans and, oh yeah, your boyfriend… Don’t think her Cunt did all the work by itself, do you – I think there was a jolly little prick involved in that one as well.. so, if you’re assaulting, make sure you include the fuckstick of a boyfriend as well.. As for the second part of your rant – From that, I got the picture that you may be as much of a Cunt as the hole that tricked your boyfriend. Sounds like everything has to be somebody else’s fault and you the hapless victim? Is that how you got pregnant? Your fuckstick of a boyfriend tripped and fell into your cunt and came and knocked you up? It was his fault, right?
    There’s only ONE victim here – your unborn child who doesn’t have a chance in HELL with a mother like you…

58. The only way to resolve this is to hold a traditional Snatch Sniff-Off.

    The Stenchy Hole in Stolen Pants vs. The Potpourri Pussy of the Poster.

    Anyone up to be a judge?

59. @52: Having your stupid rant posted on the Stranger’s “I, anonymous” column is not getting “published” idiot.

60. I’m a bartender and I can tell you that one reason he kicked you out was because you were sitting at his bar drinking coffee, soda pop, or some other beverage that you will tip 32 cents on. People who go to bars to stay sober are annoying as hell. So you were pregnant and perhaps hadn’t yet decided to have that abortion – that’s one thing. Could your friend at least have provided a decent amount of patronage for the establishment? A beer perhaps? As far as it being your birthday, *give me a break.* Bartenders wait on birthday parties every single night. No, you don’t get a free drink. No, you don’t get to be inappropriately loud. Sure, I’ll wish you a happy birthday and give you the same excellent service that I give every other customer, but unless you walk in and start tipping really fat right away, you don’t get special treatment. Birthdays are kind of like assholes and elbows – everybody’s got ’em, especially at fancy restaurants.

61. #52 said: “some guys are too drunk and too fucking stupid to realize WHO it is they are fucking…”

    Interesting theory, yet absolutely false. Nice excuse for not having any personal responsibility.

    I’ve reached every level of drunkeness short of death.

    Even Everclear doesn’t take you to the fuck-everything-that-moves-yet-not-recognize-what-you’re-fucking state.

62. stupid cunts like her are the reason i stay home and jack off. jesus, to think some poor asshole thought it would be a good idea to fuck her and knock her up – i’d slit my throat. stupid whores with loud mouths should be stoned, cained, or both.

63. OMG people, the friends are nuts, especially the poster who wanted to write something years ago. If she had moved on,why write about it? To spice things up? Please and the sad thing is she had an abortion.

64. I just don’t believe they got kicked out for no reason. Sorry, not buying it. You must have been pretty damned loud, sober or not.

    And you really believed the so-drunk-he-thought-it-was-you story? He was probably working on her for weeks before that. If it’s really true that he was that drunk, he was probably an alcoholic – either way the girl did you a favor. You should thank her, not kill her.

65. I just don’t believe they got kicked out for no reason. Sorry, not buying it. You must have been pretty damned loud, sober or not.

    And you really believed the so-drunk-he-thought-it-was-you story? He was probably working on her for weeks before that. If it’s really true that he was that drunk, he was probably an alcoholic – either way the girl did you a favor. You should thank her, not kill her.

66. This is a great I-Anon because the comments are so hilarious and on point. This lady is a crazy, low-class monkey who would yell (sober-ly, right BFF?) in a public place. I also do not believe they had an $80 tab on soda and food. He probably yelled at them leaving because they tipped like shit.

    And a guy who cheats on you is a jerk, regardless if she was wearing your very pants (hahaha)…

67. yawn.

    I pray to God/Jebus/Buddha/Teleute this person never writes to the Stranger again.

    actually much more entertained by MINTY’s sweet Inspiral Carpets album art use.

    *starts slow clap for 90’s nostalgia trip*

    *makes ‘call me’ sign with hand*

Comments are closed.