I’ll begin with the loathsome cunt who mooched off me and my
roommate for months, only to lure my boyfriend into MY bed. I hope your
drunken sex and his not being able to come thanks to your stenchy hole
made you feel good about yourself. He probably was too drunk to know it
wasn’t me, since we are BOTH THE SAME RACE AND YOU WERE WEARING MY
PANTS and oh… did I mention this was in MY ROOM? I hope I never
fucking see your slut ass on Broadway, or I swear to God I’ll go to
jail for assault.

Next, there’s the French restaurant I went to on my birthday. How
fucking dare you. You fucking chode. You asswipe of a shithead man. You
call yourself a bartender, but I see you equal to a rapist. How dare
you scream at me and my friend for laughing and having a good time in
the bar! We weren’t DRINKING and I was PREGNANT and it was my FUCKING
BIRTHDAY! How daaarrree you for ruining my favorite restaurant
and telling us that we should leave and cursing us up and down just as
were paying an $80 tab heading to the door. If I ever see you again,
you will not get laid by anyone in the residing area, and I’ll punch
your lights out if you even so much as look at me.

I’d watch you both die. No one else. Just you two.

67 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  1. This is a joke, right?

    My boyfriend is always jumping into bed with people who are the same race as me if they are wearing similar jeans. He’s not sleeping around, he’s just confused easily. Not me though. I understand that rapists and people who kick me out of a bar are the same thing. I’m pregnant and get noisy at bars when I spend $80 drinking soda. But I have a right to be there! I’m staying, even though I hate you, and it’s hard for me not to kill you right now. Don’t anger me, for I am about to kill.

  4. I think I actually heard about the screaming bartender. Maybe it was his version of the story. Can’t exactly remember but I think it was a commenter.

  7. hmmm seems to me like you might be making excuses for why your boyfriend cheated…. he didn’t know it wasn’t you? ok, thats an awesome line. kudos to your boyfriend if he made it up. it couldn’t possibly be that your ass is so loud and obnoxious that you get thrown out of a bar even when you HAVEN’T been drinking, could it???

  10. This anonymous is clearly a boderline PD drunken slut who is pickling her unborn child in alcohol.

    And self-deluded too.

  11. Excellent. This is Springer-like in its tawdriness. The anger is frightening. The poster obviously deserves the indignation she was served. Holla.

  13. Gross, ignorant, loud… How daaarrree you ruin the atmosphere of a nice restaurant for everyone else with your laughter that was enough to prompt the bartender to scream at and eject you?! Please do assault the woman your boyfriend cheated with (unless she, too, is pregnant – haha). Please do go to jail. Please spend your next 10 birthdays away from civilized society.

    And everyone else, ladies and gentlemen alike, the next time you’re out celebrating with your friend(s), discreetly make a 10- to 15-second recording of any segment of your conversation. Listen to it the next day and ask yourself whether you should have been in a quiet restaurant or perhaps a sports bar.

  14. I have seen many a loud asshole at a quiet restaurant/bar who never got his/her ass tossed out. How loud do you have to be to make that happen?

  15. Is this I, Anonymous or Drunk of the Week?

    What race is this woman and the loathsome cunt who can have sex with their pants on? Are the stenchy holes of this race located in a more accessible part of their bodies so that they can fuck with their pants on? What race is the drunk boyfriend, and where are his genitals located? What kind of skanky women wear their pants to bed?

    But I do believe the part about her not being drunk. I have noticed that American women, especially on the west coast, are especially loud, no matter how sober they are. It’s like they cannot have fun unless they are at 90 decibels, minimum. God help you if there is a foursome having a girls’ night out. You can hear every word of their mindless conversations over a block away. I salute the bartender at the faux French bistro for kicking them out and making her feel raped (with her pants on). I’m surprised they even heard him. When I yell at bitches like that, it doesn’t even register in their think noggins.

  19. Strangely enough I have more sympathy for the anonymous writer than most of the replies here. Wow you people are full of hatefulness.

    I’ve confused several people for each other under poor lighting while sober. And by the sounds of it, this guy was too drunk to even have sex.

    As for her second complaint, it depends on who did the shouting first and what was said I suppose.

  20. Thank you for enlightening me, anon – I had no idea three men holding me down and ripping my pants off was as traumatic as being asked to shut your pie hole in a bar. That said, SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE.

    (Oh noes, did I just rape you via internet?)

  21. Uh, isn’t the point of this segment for random people to get their aggression out in an anonymous way, not for the rest of us to get preachy and judgemental? Have none of you ever just needed to vent about something that you did or something that happened to you, even if you, deep down, knew whatever happened was your fault? Look, personal responsibility for our actions is necessary to be mature, rational adults. But fuck, sometimes I need to wash my hands of my part and just blame someone else for a change. Like most people, I enjoy blaming God when my shit hits the fan. So what if she’s going to blame some skank or some uptight bartender? I personally think that in reading this segment we are willingly allowing ourselves to become the “friends” this person chose to bitch about their frustrations. Be a supportive friend to this girl; agree with whatever she says in her moment lacking of personal responsibility for her actions.

  22. Maybe Anonymous and her fetusdaddy/boyfriend (assuming they are the same person) are getting married, and that’s what she was talking about with her friend at the bistro. There is NOTHING more annoying and mindless that being trapped in a restaurant near two women talking about the upcoming wedding of one of them. M

  23. Both the same race? So all white/black/yellow/brown/misc. people look the same to him? And if he’s so drunk he can’t tell one woman from his own girlfriend, how the hell is he going to identify your *jeans*? Just say he was too drunk, Anon.

  24. @21: “Uh, isn’t the point of this segment for random people to get their aggression out in an anonymous way”

    I think that’s what most of us are doing right now.

  25. This chick needs to take up meditation or adjust her meds or something….If a bitchy bartender equates in her odd little mind to a rapist, she lacks all sense of perspective and if she actually thinks her boyfriend thought he was in bed with her, she’s lost a vital connection to a little thing I like to call “reality”.

    I pity her child.

  26. #19 That’s what she said…what he said…”I was so drunk I didn’t even come plus I thought it was you!” plus her/your hole was STINKY! hahahaha

    #21 I think the whole idea of this column is so we can ridicule and/or comiserate with the poster or thier rants. Otherwise they wouldn’t have this comment part underneath. And if they didn’t want input they could just use a diary.

  27. Sometimes I, Anonymous presents a little anecdote that allows us to all chuckle sympathetically and look a little less shamefully at our own secret desires and experiences. And then sometimes it just shows us a human trainwreck.

  29. Hmmmm. I wonder why your boyfriend cheated on you? You seem like such a nice person.

    I’m going to have to use that same-race excuse though. And hopefully my girlfriend won’t notice her missing pair of pants until it’s too late.

    Stenchy Hole might be a decent album title for my new band Courtesy Flush. Worth consideration.

  30. I’m the poster and I these things happened so many years ago it’s not even funny. I just always see such tame things on here so I was trying to spice it up! And apparently I did by pissing so many people off! Yay me! The part about her being my race was me being facetious. Chill out. He was just a drunken asshole who obviously got dumped after that. I aborted the child that I was pregnant with by a different man 4 years later when the restaurant incident happened. My friend and I had certainly not been drinking and the bartender was/still is an asshole. Just take this for what it is and not so personal. I was 18 and 21 when this stuffed happened and now I am 24 and have moved on. If you are taking this so literally jokes on you.

  33. Sure, “same race, same pants” is a great excuse. Personally, I’m a fan of “Higgs bosons made me do it.”

    “You see, baby, in an alternate future where I didn’t have sex with her stinky hole, I become a physicist, and I produce a higgs boson. That boson cascaded backwards through time and made me fuck her. You can’t argue with quantum physics, baby.”

  35. Poster was mad at the bartender for yelling at her pregnant ass on her birthday and then had an abortion. What’s the connection? Why was it wrong for him to yell at you when you were pregnant? Is that fact even relevant to anything? It must be relevant to something. Were you and your friend too loud for the bartender, plus you were using the place as a vomitorium? Why don’t you address the accusations that you were talking too loudly about your wedding? Is that why you had an abortion? Because the fetusdaddy got sick of hearing about wedding plans at 90 decibels and dumped your ass?

  38. Ohmygosh. What if the baby is not even yours?! It’s Rosemary’s baby. That gal that was doing your boyfriend was Satan, and then there was a switcheroo, and um… the bartender is part of their little Satan clan thing. That is why he kicked you out! I know, I know. You can thank me later. Quick… uh, hide that Satan baby!

  40. @#21 xerxex: Uh, isn’t the point of this segment for random people to get their aggression out in an anonymous way, …

    Yes! As are the COMMENTS. As is my comment, ask-MANDING you to STFU from your FACE. Oh and your doctor left a comment on here but it got deleted – the test results came back and you have a bad case of SHUT UP MOUTH.

    Oh, and your weekly copy of HURRPY DURR magazine arrived.

    Am I done ye–?oh the CLUE PHONE rang… guess who it’s for.

  41. Mental illness is a tragic thing, Poster. I am glad to hear that you have moved on from these unrelated incidents from years ago. In fact, you have moved on to such an extent that you sent a fevered rant to the Stranger about them within the last few weeks. Seek professional help.

  45. You sound very stressed out. Stressed moms tend to have stressed babies, which, obviously, will increase your stress… Perhaps you should consider therapy.

  46. This horrid murderess-waiting-to-happen actually bred and will unleash her spawn on the world?

    Excuse me while I go curl up in a fetal position and quietly cry whilst sucking my thumb and begging for my mommy.

  47. Oh wow, I just read the comments:

    @21…your really do need to get the fuck over it. If you were, then you would not subject us to your insane ranting. This shit happened three and six years ago.

    And you are a racist.

    And you said that your snatch stunk.

    Please go away.

    Far, far away.

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