I, Anonymous

I heard your new girlfriend eerily resembles a less attractive and
lackluster version of me. It figures. Why bother to date a strong,
dynamic, and interesting woman of integrity when you can have the
dumbed-down lite model? One that doesn’t mind daily verbal abuse or
your sickening “I’m a millionaire” ego and the way you need to
buy—what do you call it?—”social capital” with your parties
and your big house and your hot tub? I’m sure she’ll fit right in with
your gross, aging swinger friends from the sticks. Let’s hope she
doesn’t hear how people laugh at you and your Napoleon complex behind
your back for being such a petty tyrant. Maybe SHE can deal with your
refusal to give oral sex (and let’s face it, that’s a good thing
considering your total ineptitude). Hell, your idea of good sex is a
blowjob ending with the woman on top—I so treasure the irony of
Mr. Big Time Swinger King who’s just a mediocre lay. Who knows, maybe
she can overlook how rude you are to your own mother, how strangely all
your exes are “psychos,” and your crippling inability to be emotionally
intimate with anyone. And let’s not even mention your recent “dates”
with known prostitutes (oh, I’m sorry, I mean “tantric energy
healers”). Maybe a doormat girlfriend is perfect for you—since
you can’t stand to be alone for more than two hours, a warm mute body
is really all you need.