You and I talk every day, first thing in the morning when we come to work. We talk about all sorts of things: books, food, our kids, our friends, even a little about sex here and there. I think your husband is a great guy; you think my wife is terrific. But we would like to fuck each other and we both know it. And it will never happen.
But I like this. We like this. We are both happy with the person we’re with, and we both get lots of sex at home, and yet we are both happy talking every morning and living with the pleasant subtext of what might have been if the butterfly had flapped its wings two seconds later.
You don’t know that I fantasize about taking you in your running clothes on your kitchen table, but you do know you’re safe around me—I’m not going to gush out my undying love (lust?) for you. I know I’m safe around you for the same reason (though I wonder how you think we’d fuck). Our 10 minutes together over coffee every morning before work are 10 minutes we both look forward to before we go to bed. Not entirely unlike sex.
We’ve never spoken of this, of course, and we never will. I’m pretty sure I’m not imagining it. This is just how a friendship between a man and a woman must play out sometimes.
—Anonymous
@50
Well I guess that makes you so mature in your black and white world. Or maybe you were married to/dated some “cheating whore/cunt” that gave you the impression that people go from the alter to the grave completely fixated on their spouses. “Newsflash for you moron” there are many types of hearts out there, and yes sone of them are cheatin’ but that doesn’t mean that every person that finds attraction with someone that isn’t there spouse is a cheater. If you think marriage is a shelter against thoughts of another, well, you’re just plain wrong.
Their
@45: So it’s better to cheat behind someone’s back than to agree to have an open marriage? If some people have stronger marriages when they open things up, seems to me that it helps their marriage, and marriage in general, to not be monogamous.
Keeping a non-monogamous marriage going is hard work and takes commitment and responsibility and communication and trust, and all these things help relationships. They make society, and marriage, *stronger*.
I agree with the ones who think he’s playing with fire. You guys should also lay off of 50. There’s obviously hurt feelings behind the post, and you should be less reptilian in your responses. And I’m really getting sick of the poly-crowd assuming that all relationship issues can be solved by opening it up. (Do you guys realize that you’re like those apothecaries who thought they could cure everything with bloodletting?) I know TONS of people whose open relationships ended because of the extra-jealousy and the extra-failed communication, and the other “extra” issues that are exacerbated by polyamory. I’m not saying that poly relationships can’t work, I’m just saying that in 100% of the cases I’ve observed (at lease a dozen) they DON’T work unless the pair has been exclusive for so long that their sex life has run out of excitement. That’s why swinger’s clubs are always full of old people. @54, do you really think that people in open relationships are incapable of cheating behind their partner’s back? If betrayal is their kink, they will find a rule to break.
Sorry, strayed from the topic there. (The comments are always more interesting.) This dude is in a dangerous situation if she really does feel the same way. There isn’t really any indication that she does feel the same way, and she could just enjoy the attention he gives her. Knowing that she could destroy his marriage with her hotness makes her feel good about herself, and who doesn’t like feeling good about themselves? The dude should find a new coffee-buddy, one that he isn’t sexually attracted to. Maybe another dude. What would his wife think if she ever saw him chatting about sex over coffee with another woman that he sees everyday? If the feeling is mutual, it’s too easy to escalate.
Also agreeing with 2, this letter seems like an attempt to escalate it. If it were simply “feeling management”, it would be on a more anonymous forum.
@14 Ah yes, the old “women should expect” bullshit. We’re not responsible for your actions or your misunderstandings, you are. btw we’re not mind readers either.
Bronze-age morals get me down. Some people like Anonymous, obviously dig the hell outta them. I think these two people are what is known of as “work spouses”- a new and stupid term. People are still too close to chimps to do any better than these two. LOL-Watch “Bones” if you really loved this story.
Wow. Some of you people are psychopathically judgmental. This sounds like a perfectly fun, perfectly harmless arrangement and he wanted to tell someone about it, hence IA. There’s no problem. No advice or response was solicited. Settle down and appreciate the beauty of the incomplete.
@56…my question to you is this, why would a woman put herself into a situation, daily I might add, that is precarious, and possibly misleading, with a man with whom she has decided to share intimate insights with, if she wanted to just be innocent friends, and nothing more?
If you are gong to thow a passive-aggressive statement out there (which actually says, “Hey, you guys are the one’s with the problem, not us. We women are just trying to be friends, and your penis’ are constantly trying to take things to the next level.) Then let’s just say that a man should never read anything into what a woman does. We should base everything soley on what she says, and just toss out chemistry with body language, and viola! problem solved.
Don’t pretend that there isn’t an unspoken subtlety between (most) men and women. This is not only disingenuous, but misleading to the point of absurdity.
I never claimed that women should be responsible for our actions, but culpability is shared when two people engage in a mutual relationship. If this said relationship is “just friends” then how about one exercise some restraint and not engage in the 10 minute coffee break every morning, nor share intimate details. When a man and a woman discuss “sex here and there” it opens up a dialogue that borders on reckless. I truly believe that many women have gay men as frends for this very reason. A man to discuss intimate informtion with, that won’t read ANYTHING into it. (a girlfriend with a Y chromosome). I am sure you will probably find a way to refute this though…probably tell me that it’s soley for the shopping experience etc. BAH!
@55…I am sure there are hurt feelings behind 50’s comments, but if you come out swinging, prepare to get swung at.
As far as being reptilian, it wasn’t with a reptile heart that I commented, merely some strong coffee.
As for poly…well…I used to want to try tha path, and I realized that I was immature in my desires, and in a relationship with the wrong person. The right person, I believe, will make me feel that monogamy is the only way (for me) to be. Poly is fine, and I truly believe it to be completely sustainable (for some). Poly is not just about sex either, but is also about (or should be about) mutual connections with more than one soul mate, and yes…there are many more, than just one soulmate out there for a lot of people.
We are not all wired the same, though as a society, and as a civilization, there are many inherent traits and behaviors that we cannot and should not ignore. Hence my comments to 56.
Thank you, JustSayGo.
@59 Because there is nothing precarious with having a close relationship with someone of the opposite sex and sharing vaguely personal details with them. Especially when it’s for TEN MINUTES a day and they’re MARRIED.
Christ, it’s people like you who make women fucking paranoid about men. and then men turn around and say “gee, why do women think we’re all sexual predators.”
@59 Oh and btw, women have sexual drives too. The idea that women need to watch out because men will pursue any woman who is close to him emotionally plays into a stereotypical gender binary. Men are not always the pursuer and not always sexually available.
If you find it so completely incomprehensible that two adults could flirt occasionally for ten minutes and not fuck each other, JustSayGo, maybe polyamory is the way for you to go, because you might have some self-control issues.
Also, you need to learn to reduce your word count by about 2/3 in every post. You’re actually obscuring your meaning by slathering it with too many half-understood words.
Perhaps if they are only half understandable, you should use a dictionary. If your attention span is at a deficit, then perhaps some meds might help.
How’s my word count on this post DB?
Oh and btw, where did I say it was incomprehensible? Do not twist my words. I believe the argument that kersy was pathetically trying to make is that just because a man and a woman share coffee, it should not be construed as flirting.
Honestly 64, if you can’t keep up with the conversation, perhaps you shouldn’t participate.
I can’t believe there have been 66 comments, and not one from that tool Cartman. He seems to have made himself 10% of the content of stranger.com. Gosh, I hope he’s ok!
If you didn’t ramble on to the point where no one could tell what the fuck you were saying, it wouldn’t be so easy to twist your words.
perhaps Cartman changed his “name”. We are the anonymous ones, by ratio all the more…judging and presenting in a way we might never do at work or home. oh yes: I’m #69 mofo’s! eat me!
Well I am glad you speak for the consensus you should run for public orifice…
@55: Sure, there are some people who will break rules no matter what the rules are, and I didn’t mean to say no one in an open relationship ever breaks a rule. (Though I will say that no one in a relationship with no rules ever cheats!)
Still, I suspect most people cheat not just to break a rule, or because betrayal is their kink, but rather because of the very natural desire to have sex with more than one person. My point was that, for those people, the option of an open marriage actually strengthens marriage, contrary to comment 45’s claim that open marriages destroy sanctity or something.
@54 – Did you not read my post? I said that marriage is dedication to another person. In other words, there should be no cheating, period. I never once said it would be better to cheat behind each other’s back. Read.
Yeah, nice IA. Relates a fairly platonic male – female friendship with some sexual undertones; quite common and most everyone should be able to relate. Perhaps at the beginning of the friendship, as would be expected, the undertones were of a higher pitch and closer to the surface but as the friendship evolved and time passed, they got to know each other more deeply. They begin to respect each other and so certain boundaries were drawn, fencing off the “actually acting on the sexual undertones”, due to the respect each gained for the other. The boundaries are now fairly well established and our IA guy feels pretty comfortable about it. I have no doubt the female counterpart shares his feelings and also the boundaries. The friendship seems to have evolved to another level. It’s fun they are able to have the little flirt-pick-me-up with the will power not to act on it – a sign of maturity.
Bagel, that, hands down, is the best and most unbiased post on this IA thread…Thanks!
Who gives a flying fuck ? really ?
@47, cool, I was just joking. Sorry if it was in poor taste.
Harmless fantasy,could have been something much more interesting.
DOHH! I missed #69!
Accursed reality!, or was it fantasy? hhmmm..
Well, _I_ thought it was kind of a hot IA this week, and I really liked the image of sex on my kitchen table. Er…I mean on HER kitchen table.
@51 – I do not live in the mushy gooey quasi philosophical world of “life is gray”. If your marriage is healthy you do not need or want to have crushes on people other than your spouse, period. Your focus is on the person that you love, not the ones you work or play with. The OP said he has sexual fantasies about his co-worker and actually stated his “…undying love (lust) for” her. That’s way, way beyond harmless fun and thus qualifies for harsh judgment in my world. And yep, in my real life, women and men who behave like that get labeled and judged accordingly, as prick, whore, cunt, whatever. I know it’s hard to understand but there actually are some people who have strict standards of what is right or wrong. At least you know where we stand versus the ever shifting sands of the world you live in. Whore. 🙂
As a perpetually single person, I’ve observed the way married or otherwise committed men and women seem to interact at a closer, more intimate level with each other, than they would with a single person.
I can see how this kind of scenario described by I anon is common. That whole safety of being able to bring up the spouse allows continued friendliness. If it starts to get too hot, just bring up the spouse and no one gets uncomfortable or concerned that there might be a flirtation taking place.
I actually envy these married people, for being able to be friendlier with people without it being mistaken for flirting ( or at least flirting with intent).
When you’re single, if you’re friendly, people run a mile. Especially in the work environment.
Married or not, sexual attractions are a natural part of life. The theory that women are more monogamous than men is a farse. If it was true men would not find anyone to play with. We all know it’s a pleasureable skin game for both sexes. What causes the trouble is that men unlike women can’t seem to keep their mouth shut afterward.