You and I talk every day, first thing in the morning when we come to work. We talk about all sorts of things: books, food, our kids, our friends, even a little about sex here and there. I think your husband is a great guy; you think my wife is terrific. But we would like to fuck each other and we both know it. And it will never happen.
But I like this. We like this. We are both happy with the person we’re with, and we both get lots of sex at home, and yet we are both happy talking every morning and living with the pleasant subtext of what might have been if the butterfly had flapped its wings two seconds later.
You don’t know that I fantasize about taking you in your running clothes on your kitchen table, but you do know you’re safe around me—I’m not going to gush out my undying love (lust?) for you. I know I’m safe around you for the same reason (though I wonder how you think we’d fuck). Our 10 minutes together over coffee every morning before work are 10 minutes we both look forward to before we go to bed. Not entirely unlike sex.
We’ve never spoken of this, of course, and we never will. I’m pretty sure I’m not imagining it. This is just how a friendship between a man and a woman must play out sometimes.
—Anonymous
She has you square in the “friendzone”. You aer alone in this feeling.
If your wife’s so great, do her a favor and divorce her or stop this shit. She deserves more than a guy who’d write anonymous letters like this in the hopes that the other woman will read it. What do you expect to happen now? Honestly?
No, you didn’t cross any lines by lusting after someone else, but you sure as hell crossed one by writing this and sending it in. Hitting on someone in writing is still hitting on them. Have some respect for your wife and kids, asshole.
@1: Hmmm… hard to say, really. I have been in a similar situation with a male coworker, where I could tell he was attracted to me and I was attracted to him as well. But we were (and still are) both happily married parents of young children, so our mutual attraction remained unspoken the whole time we worked together, and then he and his family ultimately moved away. I have also been in another situation where I knew a married coworker was interested in me & he was very confident that it was mutual, but it was not. That became very awkward! But I think IA is on the right track – enjoy this innocent flirtation while it lasts. If you were to tell her how you feel it would just ruin everything.
@1 I agree. I’ve had a guy friend who imagined I was flirting with him when I only thought of him as a friend and confidant. I stopped giving him intimate details about my life when I realized/accepted that he was getting his wires crossed thinking I was sending him some kind of secret code telling him I liked him in a romantic sense. I’ve never flirted with anyone by over-sharing about my current sex-life… I always figured that’d be a complete turn-off for anyone interested in me.. along the lines of gushing over someone I find painfully attractive, but I guess to each their own.
@2 Anon is not acting on this attraction, states that neither of them will, but is articulating the boundaries of a social relationship between people of opposite gender that happens all the time. It is an enjoyable relationship with defined boundaries that is safe for everyone involved, yet brings great pleasure. He’s not hitting on the woman with an anonymous letter, so why don’t you get enough of a life to understand what the writer is talking about?
The suck from this IA, is palpable.
@2 – Bullshit. Life is never that cut and dried. When you get married, you don’t die. You continue to have feelings within and outside of your marriage. The trick to making marriage successful is in *controlling* and *managing* those feelings.
Perhaps this is one of the ways this guy is managing those feelings – searching for closure, a way to put it out there and deal with it and move forward with his wife and kids.
Certainly, the wrong answer is to tell him to divorce his wife. Wreck the lives of his family b/c he has an unacted-on crush at work? A crush he, in fact, says he’ll never act on. Good god, man. Give the guy some time to work out his feelings.
And if it makes him feel good, attractive, and desirable to have another person find him those qualities, so what? We all could use a little ego boost every now and then.
Life’s messy. He’s married, not dead.
#7, I completely agree with what you say in your first paragraph. He can have all the lustful feelings he wants as long as he controls and manages them. But posting this letter in a widely read paper that this coworker may likely read is not controlling and managing them. It’s moving things forward by letting her know that he feels this way. Once you let the other person know you are having sexual fantasies about them, you are moving into not-so-innocent territory. Would it be ok if he told this coworker in person that he imagined fucking her in her running clothes? This isn’t his private journal.
And I was being facetious about him divorcing his wife, but he needs to straighten his shit up.
I’d be willing to bet this guy cheats on his wife within a year. I’ve been that coworker the married guy “innocently” flirts with many, many times, and it always escalates.
Did anyone else look at the picture and think “That guy’s nose looks just like a… wait a minute!”?
@2/8: This isn’t very widely read, and even if his co-worker does happen to read it, so what? You think she’s the only married woman with kids, an office job, and running clothes in town?
@2
You know, I could have written this, so could have so many others. There is nothing descriptive here that gives away who he is, or who he is talking about. Sure, he has added some descriptions that could lead the right individual to extrapolate informaton, but the reality is that IA hasbeen quite ambiguous.
I was in an 18 year relationship (unmarried), that came to an end when I started having feelings for a coworker, whom I ended up dating for a year. This is happening everywhere all the time, when you consider that we spend more time with our coworkers than we do with our families.
We find it easy to judge a person for their frailties, and find ourselves telling them that to be strong means to make the hard decision, but in my humble estimation, with divorce at a record high… I believe he already has.
Men mistake gestures of friendship for sexual attraction far too often. I’d bet cash money this woman does not feel even remotely the same way as the author, and would probably be appalled to find out what he really thinks is going on.
I don’t know about far too often. Men and women are psychologically set up to respond to certain queues (except for those that receive those queues from the same sex.)Nevertheless, any woman that mistakes a platonic friendship with a man, a friendship where they see each other everyday, have a routine together, discuss intimacies, and with whom they have knowledge of a more personal nature with, should expect that if there is a possibility of attraction, it will be calculated by the man, and potentially pursued even if just mentally.
In this progressive world, where one may want to be seen as equal, and want to make the assumption that they can have a strictly platonic relationship with an individual without having to worry about feeling that one needs to watch what they say, how they say it, and what messages it may be sending out, but really? these are the things that two “friends” discuss when they are single, and ready to start movng toward a relationship. Do we really think that this is just supposed to go away when a man or woman enters into marriage etc? Let’s be realistic. If this was the case, the divorce rates would be lower, and on the job romances would also be lower.
I feel this is just the natural emotional fallout from this type of relationship. I commend IA for being honest, and finding an outlet for his feelings…KUDOS!
I don’t know, it’s perilous to assume you know what’s in her mind … she may be less conscious of her attraction to you, if it exists.
Somehow I’m unconvinced. I think this guy is playing with fire … what if one of the marriages starts deteriorating? They admire each others’ spouses, just not necessarily the relationships. What if they get drunk at an office party or have to work late together?
I think he’s admirable, it’s just that if you want to be monogamous, you’ve got to build higher fences than you imagine.
Ask point blank for a blo job and gauge the initial split second reaction on her face before she recoils in disgust. Sure you’ll be fired, ostracized, sued for divorce, etc., but if that initial split second reaction seems positive, well then . . . you’re in!
Wow, what a let down after the tsunami of poo.
The comments were wayyyy more interesting than the IAnon…
I think its cool that he has a flirty relationship on the job. I bet he whistles while he works, after 10 minutes of flirting with his co-worker and five minutes of masturbation in the office bathroom. Hopefully, for his marriages sake, his co-worker doesn’t decide that she wants to have a fling with him, considering he already knows where and how they should fuck….
That feeling, crushing hard on someone other than your spouse, while knowing your marriage is great and you’d never do anything to fuck it up, is AWESOME.
Just reading this ianon got me all excited.
Also, #2 can go to hell.
I’ve been there (from the female end), and I say you’re playing with fire. It’s ALWAYS better as a fantasy. Don’t fool yourself with the old “it’s just innocent flirting” bullshit. It’s human nature to invent rationalizations for escalating inappropriate behavior, so when you finally do cheat you can tell yourself “I didn’t mean to do it, it just happened.”
If you’re talking about your sex life on the clock with your coworker while fantasizing about fucking her, you’ve already crossed a line. You owe it to your wife and kids to be honest with yourself and back the hell off before it goes any further.
I wonder how many early-morning-conversating coworkers are going to be looking at each other differently after reading this. The details are so vague, it’s like sky-writing “Jennifer, will you marry me? -Chris”
Someone other than Anon is going to end up
having an affair because of this post, I am certain.
I’m in a similar situation with someone I work with (not as closely though, we don’t see each other every day). The difference is we’re both single, we’ve both spoken of our mutual attraction, and we’ve even fooled around some, which was fantastic.
Great, right? Nope. He’s completely repressed and says he just can’t deal with being with someone. Back into the friend zone we went. Bastard.
Every time this one cute cute guy at work strikes up a conversation with me in the breakroom, I just know he’s thinking about me diddling him in the butt while he services my bf orally…
Fantasies are so great, aren’t they? It’s that pesky Reality that gets in the way. Unfortunately, penises seem to be constantly living in LaLa Land. I know mine does.
P.S.: my wife called me from a Ballard bar when out for a beer with a friend, and she’d been talking to a guy that she clicked with. She was a bit tipsy and admitted that she wanted to kiss him. I said, “Go ahead.” She didn’t have the bravado to do it, but the thought of what might have transpired between her and him and me still turns me on. It definitely spiced up our sex life for several months afterwards and made me feel good that my wife would admit her “deep, dark” fantasies to me. I know I can do the same with her. I’ve told her about my crushes at work, and she’s not at all inimidated by this. She knows it for what it is, a fantasy.
Who knows what would have happened had she/we acted on her fantasy? Maybe it would have been fantastic and opened a whole other world to us. But I doubt it. The reality would have probably lead to jealousy and a break down in our trust with each other. Who knows? In the end, we weren’t willing to risk destroying what we’ve spent so long building up. Fantasies are great, but most times (in the sexual realm anyway) I think they should remain just that. Enjoy the jack-off fantasies you get out of it and leave it at that.
Also, @14: I think you mean “cues,” not “queues.” A queue is a line of people in England. The only psychological response I have to a line of people is to rethink the importance of whatever I’m queueing up for.
Great word, though. Two “ue”s in a row. Sure way to get rid of some vowels in Scrabble…
Dear anon, this is your coworker. You are el creepo. Stop thinking like a creep. Stop writing creepy things. Stop being creepy. I love my husband, and only tolerate you.
Reminds me of that sappy Olivia Newton-John song from 1974, “I Honestly Love You.”
chuck, splutter, eck!
Good catch 22. That’s what happens when you work in an office where phones and jobs have queues… The word gets stuck… What was I thinking? Well at any rate you knew what I meant. If your wife ever reveals that she is hot for several men at once, feel free to use the word in your I,Anon.
Cheers!
I meant 26
Speaking as a woman, men mistake women’s trust and friendship for attraction *far* too often. Don’t assume you know what’s in her head.
@5 & 7, I agree with you that on its face, this letter is an ethical way to deal with attraction that a married person should not pursue. Far better to write about it anonymously, and enjoy the flirtation without expecting it to go anywhere, than to act on it and ruin a good marriage (or two).
That said, there’s something about this letter that feels like he protests too much that nothing will ever happen. It sounds like the only reason he’s sure nothing will ever happen is because he’s certain she won’t let it, not that he won’t.
As a woman who has been in this situation several times, I say she feels that sizzle of attraction also and enjoys it as much as he does. What’s not to enjoy? There is something heady and lush in desiring and being desired, knowing that is doesn’t have to ever go past that point. Married does not equate to dead or undesirable.
I am tempted to agree with #1, but it’s theoretically possible she likes him too.
Either way, this letter should have been sent to Dan Savage, not I anon.
@22, just so you know, he isn’t single, he just tells you that.
33- wasn’t a sort of similar version sent to Dan earlier in the week? The 32 year old lady with kids who was cheating on her husband with the “love of her life” That lady sucked. This is much more innocent though, and I think totally common.
#2 – do you understand the concept of “anonymous”? this could be any old swingin’ dick in the country writing this.
i agree with others, this chick probably is not into him anyway.
I kinda liked this – it made me happy. I respect the self-control and realism it expresses, without descending into prudery. It’s kind of a love letter to her.
You can be in love with two people at the same time – that’s no surprise. This guy has found a way to do it in a particularly graceful way.
crushes are really fun and life should be more fun — what’s up with all of the naysayers out there, don’t you remember your first kiss? Take your judgments and criticisms and apply them to your own natural behavior. I hope you feel shitty for having a crush on someone other than your life long partner. Crushes are like pot they always lead to the harder stuff (wtf?). You’re probably fat, ugly or Christian.
One thing that hasn’t been brought up is, some people love to string others along. I bet this girl is doing that, just for her own ego. The guy seems to have a pretty good handle on that and is enjoying the ride. More props to both of them.
This letter was really beautiful.
@1, 4, 13, 27, etc.: Yes, obviously she couldn’t be attracted to him. Women are of course perfect and always pure, and never think about sex or have crushes on anyone but their husbands.
@33: No reason to send it to Dan. He doesn’t need advice or have a question. He’s already decided to keep things how they are and not pursue this.
That said, I think he should at least talk to his wife about the possibility of an open relationship.
He’s TOTALLY putting out feelers. Come on, how many of us get to work early and share a 10 minute coffee every single day with a coworker? I have maybe met for coffee three times in my career and it was always with a higher up. Who does this? Very few people. The guy wants it to move further. Obviously.
** coffee in the morning, I mean, not coffee in general. It’s the meeting before work daily that seems too specific.
@38 both sexes like to string people along: it could be a lovely ‘mutual tease/saving that for the spank bank’ situation. Only prudes and non-feminists think that only the boy has these sexual feelings and/or only the girl using teasing for a fun faux sense of control.
I’ve got several like that. They’re Friends With Potential or Friends with sexiness.
Doesn’t everyone? Imagination is a wonderful thing for your self-respect, your confidence, your sex life. Come on, peeps! Use your noodle and have a great time jilling or jacking off!
Women who deny their passion give me rage – this In-our-heads neo-victorian BS is the modern version of foot binding.
Give actual sexual equality some faith.
@39 and 42. You’re generalizing and projecting as much as anyone else, so get off your high horses already.
I’ve been the child in this situation, with the father eventually moving on to have an affair and leaving my mother and myself. Feels bad man.
@39: There is no such thing as an open relationship in marriage. That’s why it’s marriage. It is the promise to dedicate yourself to your partner for the rest of your lives. The people who want to protect the sanctity of marriage should stop focusing on gays and focus on people like you.
Ok, everyone, let’s back up a little.
I think that in my posting I was a) sufficiently vague that no one could positively identify the protagonists, b) sufficiently clear that I don’t know what she’s thinking (of course I don’t – that’s precisely what makes the situation so interesting), and c) absolutely clear that I have no intention of breaking up or harming the fantastic marriage that I have with a beautiful, kind, generous, charming woman. I actually wrote what I meant. Please don’t spin your wheels reading anything else into it.
@34, regarding 22 – Yes, he is single, and I know it. This is a small office where everyone knows everyone, and he’s worked there for 10+ years. And he’s uptight with a capital U. Sexy as hell, but uptight. Definitely not someone with a girlfriend, let alone wife.
in the cartoon, why wasn’t she thinking of his hard dick standing at full erection instead of the soft little grower depicted? maybe she really doesn’t have any sexual feelings for this guy after all.
I’ve had crushes during my ten years of marriage, but this just doesn’t sound like a normal, harmless one to me. Thinking about the other woman every single night before bed? Wondering about what could have been and how she thinks you two would fuck? Writing an anonymous letter to her in the local paper? It all seems a bit obsessive.
I don’t really buy that he’s not going to push things a bit more for the excitement of it even if it doesn’t lead to full on cheating. I just found the letter more lame and sad than admirable and beautiful as others have called it. Glad it’s not my husband.
@19 – You are a fucking moron and most likely a cheating whore. “…crushing hard on someone other than your spouse, while knowing your marriage is great..” News flash cunt, people with great marriages don’t “crush” on people other than their spouse. Two kinds of responses to this IA: those who will or would cheat versus those that wouldn’t. The cheaters party line boils down to “this is harmless fun” and the walk-the-lines is “bullshit, knock it off.” My advice: Risk your job, your life, your wife, your kids…cause her pussy is sooooooo worth it.
!!! 50! That is so rude! I have never even been tempted to cheat, which is why I can enjoy a crush.
Just because you dont understand doesn’t mean you should call people you dont know a whore and a cunt. I hope you dont treat people you know IRL this way.