I’m sick of hearing about fucking Burning Man—and all the
fucking you did at Burning Man. I’m glad you went into the middle of
the desert and built deeper, more intimate bonds with your
“community”—but when I look at this group of people you describe
as “open minded, creative, thought leaders, and radical pioneers,” I
see a socially stunted set of dorks who use sex, drugs, and homemade
costumes to hide their complete inability to function in and form
meaningful relationships.

So congratulations on finding a community of similarly smug sluts to
ride with you on the fluorescent-colored psychedelic short bus to the
middle of the fucking desert. Yeah, I’ve heard your arguments. Art
festival, blah blah. Creativity, blah blah. Expansion of consciousness,
blah blah. Radical self-reliance blah blah. Maybe if you continue to
repeat those mantras, I’ll start to believe that the time, money, and
resources you burn on the way to “the burn” are worth it. But for now,
listening to you has me convinced that Burning Man is one big weeklong
circle jerk of social retards.

For the record, I respect furries—at least they have the
self-awareness to call their fetish a fetish, instead of trying to pass
it off as a form of visionary social responsibility or true community.
Too bad all the drugs you did this year didn’t provide the clarity you
claim they can. Instead, they just added to the denial and distractions
that keep you from growing the fuck up and learning to live, love, and
fuck like a responsible adult.

92 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  1. Does “growing the fuck up and learning to live, love, and fuck like a responsible adult” mean that I have to become as bitter as I, Anonymous? I’ll take “the fluorescent-colored psychedelic short bus to the middle of the fucking desert,” thanks.

  2. Wow. You’re a total dick!

    Maybe your friend found some folks who weren’t assholes and actually had a good time — something that would be impossible with urban hipsters who are as judgmental and intolerant as yourself.

    If you’re trying to set an example of someone who has mature, responsible relationships and excellent social skills, you are failing. Face it: You’re a sad, repressed and unfulfilled individual, and you’re pissed because your friend is having more fun and better sex than you ever will.

    I’ll take my socially retarded fur-clad drug-addled slutty dysfunctional burner friends over fuck-wipes like you any day…

    Big dusty hugs,

    Another burner

    PS That circle-jerk was hot!

  6. You obviously don’t get it and only feel this way because you haven’t been yet. I used to agree with you but then opened up my mind a little bit.

  8. I find the depth of your self awareness truly inspiring! You are clearly a person of deep convictions, with a commitment to “Protect and Serve” yourself. I hope that no matter how many beautiful Burner Women, or Extrordinary Burner Men you might meet, disregard their genuine friendliness, ignore their attempts to invade your panties, resist all attempts to build something “Just for the fun of it”
    And most importantly, Never, Ever loose your grip on that mighty self control, and go to Burning Man!

  10. Awwww, did someone forget their ticket at home? Forget to take their 5-htp?

    Oh wait, I’m a burner too, and I met the douche that won’t shut up about the goddamn event. Yet if he’s really that into how much he had SOOOO much fun at Burning Man, maybe it’s because Senor Douchebag (IE, you) keeps making fun of Burners in general.

    PS: Respecting a furry means you respect people who fuck stuffed animals. Burners may fuck stuffed animals, but at least the animals are human.

  11. HAhahahaHAHA!!!!
    ROFLAMFAO!!!!

    Sounds like you’ve only met the Raver “Burners”. They have more in common with hippies then they like to admit.

    Try actually going to the desert before writing your next Article, look up the Death Guild (although I’m hearing rumors they’re becoming a bunch of pussies). A local friend of mine beat the crap out of the founder in the Thunder Dome a couple of years ago. Breaking his nose.

    Besides that, the rest of the Acid Head life changing Bullshit is Drainbow Talk (or Rave-Burn Talk).

    Otherwise the rest is a pretty funny description of some of the Burner Culties.

    I just don’t understand why that’s a bad thing?

    I think the Desert could use more people like you. You’d fit right in with the Death Guild or DPW, and be an awesome shit disturber.

    Just don’t camp with the Hippies.

    Napalm Dragon

  12. Awwww, did someone forget their ticket at home? Forget to take their 5-htp?

    Oh wait, I’m a burner too, and I met the douche that won’t shut up about the goddamn event. Yet if he’s really that into how much he had SOOOO much fun at Burning Man, maybe it’s because Senor Douchebag (IE, you) keeps making fun of Burners in general.

    PS: Respecting a furry means you respect people who fuck stuffed animals. Burners may fuck stuffed animals, but at least the animals are human.

  13. You had me until you said you respect furries, at which point your credibility went down the same toilet your Burning Man friend bathes in.

    For you BM folks, enjoy your self-aggrandizing nihilistic bullshit while people like me spend that time planting native foliage and cleaning up after your alley-shitting, drug-addled, societally useless friends. Woooo!

  14. Who gives a shit about you and your shitty life? Sure, this jackass of a friend of yours is off in La-La Land of the Radical Self-Expression. Hell, half the time I’ve been there I want to drop-kick the Drainbow Galaxy through the goalposts of reality, but at least I have the presence of mind to know that their asshattery is based upon their own stupidity.

    You, dear sir, are basing your fucktarded assumptions and douchebaggery not on the actual event. Oh no, that would be simple. Instead, the negatively-charged simple protein you call a friend that has BEEN to the event has colored your perception, and so rather than be pissed off at how much of a waste of flesh you seem to have chosen for friends (a choice that does not reflect well upon you, one might note), but you slap a nice fat label on the festival. Well done, my good Pat Robertson clone! Well done indeed. Why actually ATTEMPT to do something when one can sit back and make judgements about it and all those who attend?

    Please, the next time you feel so inclined to hate on Burners, remember two things: nobody cares. And two: nobody cares. We’re still going to ride that psychedelic short bus to the desert – with the guys who founded Google.

  15. LO, UPON THE HIGH SEAS OF PLAYA, WE DID SPEAK.

    And thus, we heard the crying out of the jackass in the reeds, saying, “You bunch of hippies!”

    And then the pantscannon did load with many pounds of pants;

    And aiming upon his stupid face, we did fire;

    And thus shall all unbelievers of Larry perish at the hands of the Man and his followers;

    For it is written, suffer not the douchebags to write stupid idiotic columns about us.

    Praise Jub Jub, in their name, let’s go get trashed.

  16. HAHA not a community eh? comments say otherwise.

    I’ll take the dusty burner over your company any day, thanks….

  18. I’ve been going to BM for about 11 years now, and I fear that the writer is right about a lot of the participants.

    It’s just a week in the desert, but for a lot of the people it’s the only experience outside the carefully constrained box that they have so it takes on a significance like religion or participation in a wider civic society. This causes self-righteous behavior and a tendency to act like an epic douchebag.

    You’re not more enlightened, you’ve been to an event. It’s a good event, sure, but you should probably back that up with actually doing something useful the other 51 weeks of the year.

  20. 1) Burning Man and “burners” are funny.
    2) Burners talk a lot about Burning Man. A LOT.
    3) Liking Burning Man is the new not liking Burning Man.
    4) Cap-hill hipsters are pretty funny too, but I liked them better when they were wearing white belts and trucker hats. WTF is up with those helmet haircuts these days that look like a blast shield that only go down to your eyebrows. Also Femullet WTF?
    5) Socially stunted dorks and social retards write I, Anonymous letters instead of engaging with those close to them about what is on their mind.
    (With the exception of that one about the school bus that ends up as being the theme from Fresh Prince of Bel Air. That was awesome)
    6) Next year for Burning Man I’m totally going to play shoegazer in my chill dome and see if anyone notices
    7) Rants about how much Burning Man sucks were better next year.
    8) I AM WIZARD!!!
    9) The costumes are kinda lame sometimes. (sorry burners, they are)
    10) I would really, really, really to have the opportunity to see a furry attempt to pass off their fetish pass as a form of visionary social responsibility. That would be some funny ass shite.

  21. Oooooh…Burn: I’ve always thought life counselors a ridiculous fad – until I read your post. Now, after having the truth burn all of the wax out of my ear canals, I’d like to hire you to guide me to fruition. The future is now! You’re a great life counselor! Be in touch – I’m going to need your gifts to get up out of the water.

  23. HAHAHAHAHA.

    Wow.

    Someone went trolling and caught 10+ people.

    and *I*, as THE “uberBurner”, laugh at all of you.

    I still have the dust on my boots, and in my ass (Dust Colonic’s are AWESOME!)

    Everyone on this thread needs to get laid…. RIGHT NOW!!!!

    Me included.

    I treat small minded opinions like the last grain of rice on my Combo #6 from the Mu Shu Sun Lok Garden Restaurant down the street.

    Yeah, it’s there, but It’s not worth the effort to go after.

    That is the reason Larry loves me more than all of you. Remember you are the read-headed step child that Larry “Says” he loves.

    I’m in the Burning man will….

    UberBurner out

  28. Jesus, there are a lot of burners on here. I applaud I, Anonymous for realizing that eventually, getting high out of your fucking skull doesn’t make you unique or special, or liberated. It makes you a slave to an ideal that no one takes seriously. You want real social activism? Volunteer.

  31. Why does anyone bother reading this silly column? Or for that matter this silly newspaper.
    Tend to your life and ignore those who shout.

  32. “Why does anyone bother reading this silly column? Or for that matter this silly newspaper.
    Tend to your life and ignore those who shout. “

    Says the one commenting on this thread…

  33. I agree with anonymous, and I love going to drug filled music festivals like Burn. Most of the people there I would never hang out with sober, but I gotta tell ya, they are a blast when you are high.

    Except the guys who are just there to try and get groped by young girls too high to know what they are doing.

  34. I am so glad I live in a city filled with open minded and tolerant people.

    Go back to church where I won’t come to sit in judgment over the spiritual journey you have chosen simply because it’s not for me but may work for others. Can you do the same for me? Didn’t think so. Why, because it’s far easier to stand at a distance and judge others to be “wrong” in their ways then it is to look at your own self hatred and lack of inner peace. Look inside “Burn Victim” you have some serious anger to deal with. Intolerance is never the answer. It leads to violence….. REMEMBER JEREMY!

    I wish you peace.
    Ozzy Girl

    (another Seattle Burner taking the fluorescent-colored psychedelic short bus to the middle of the fucking desert)

  35. I am so glad I live in a city filled with open minded and tolerant people.

    Go back to church where I won’t come to sit in judgment over the spiritual journey you have chosen simply because it’s not for me but may work for others. Can you do the same for me? Didn’t think so. Why, because it’s far easier to stand at a distance and judge others to be “wrong” in their ways then it is to look at your own self hatred and lack of inner peace. Look inside “Burn Victim” you have some serious anger to deal with. Intolerance is never the answer. It leads to violence….. REMEMBER JEREMY!

    I wish you peace.
    Ozzy Girl
    (another Seattle Burner taking the fluorescent-colored psychedelic short bus to the middle of the fucking desert and damn proud to do it)

  36. f’n awesome! i love this. hilarious. any burners feeling too defensive to admit that burningman has become what it’s supposed to be against should step back and reassess whether you know what you’re talking about. sure it’s fun to frolic in the desert wasted. i do it with you all, but seriously, open your eyes and understand what the ACTUALITY is, not the mindless programming.

  38. Obviously the person has been personally burned (har har) by someone, but that doesn’t mean Burners aren’t smug little tards, which they frequently are. It’s a big (incredibly expensive, I’ve been given to understand, and thus pretty damn elitist) party where you get trashed and laid and so some arts and crafts. Stop making it out to be anything else and you will have at least one other person on your side.

    Also, to the poster above, furries actually fuck each other while wearing animal suits. Which is very slightly less strange.

  39. Burning man hippies fucking suck. No one wants to hear about the nasty dirty chlamydia infected dreaded hippie pussy you got last year. You’re gross and you should go crawl in a hole where your smell won’t make the rest of us wish we were dead.

  40. Yeah, it is just a party in the desert, and I still go every year. BurningMan is a “city” of about 49,000 people, and there are DruggyHippySluts and some normalish people having a good time at a festival. Some folks feel the need to make it all about “utopian community” and spirituality and shit and they are annoying and kinda hypocritical. It’s just a week in the desert 😉

  41. Thank you letter writer. You’re right about what BM is although you didn’t emphasize the selfishness of it quite enough. Just tell your friend to find other people who can’t think with their mouth shut and leave you alone.

  42. It’s so cool to hate on Burning Man these days. In fact, you get so many instant cool points with all your hipster friends that you might actually be made the King Of The Cool Kid Hipsters for your anti-burning-man-ness.

    You’ve never been right? Oh yes, that’s correct, you stated as much. Lots of judgement of 50,000 people based on your experiences with a handful of individuals.

    I feel the same way about black people though. So you and I at least have something in common!

  43. People who can’t talk about anything but one thing are annoying?!?!?!!1
    WHO KNEW?
    Between this and the Restaurant article telling me where to get a plate of badly rendered melted cheese and sauce, this weeks issue of the stranger is brought to you by Captain Obvious and the letter Tell Me Something I Don’t Already Know.

    Signed,
    A 5 year attendee that I bet a $1,000 you wouldn’t peg as a “burner”.

  44. i am a festival lover, i love the whole deal, the drugs, the sex, the music, the art, even though i don’t dress up as much or at all like many do, but folks- here is the gig, when you continue not to go to the dentist, ‘live off the grid’, never cut your dreads, tune out from the reality that there is a time and a place for everything, by 40 when your old hippie friends see you at bumbershoot, they get embarressed for you and walk the other way, you look stupid, immature and like you just …took it too far
    you missed windows to continue to evolve,
    to use all ‘the love’ in effective ways that society and the ‘community’ can benefit from. worst of all the halitosis.

  45. I’m not a fan of burning man myself. I’m not a big fan of the circus, the gratutious drugs, and the big waste of energy that doesn’t amount to shit or any real creativity. Nor do I want to hear how kick ass burning man is.

    But to judge ones way to love and share intimacy and saying it’s not “adult” that’s just fucked up!

    Personally, I’d prefer a shower before, after and sparingly durring my sexual activites than to screw some hairy beast out in the middle of the desert. But I can’t judge someone who finds their own freedom, intimacy etc. And I’m man enough to agree to disagree.

  46. What he says here is absolutely right the fuck ON. I’ve been there, and it’s EXACTLY what you describe. The truth hurts. One thing though — why not say all this right to the person’s face? It just might wake he/she the fuck up.

  47. OK, been to Burning Man a dozen times, know pretty much everyone is this so-called local community, and Anonymous? Right the fuck on.

    The moment people start taking Burning Man seriously is the moment they begin to lose it. If you want to go, then go. But remember that it’s just a dusty camping trip… you are not sticking it to the man, you are not making a statement, you are not rebelling against a damn thing. It can be a lot of fun to run around the playa for a week doing crazy things, but you know what? That’s all it is.

    Sorry to burst your day-glo bubble.

  48. i don’t think it is impossible to enjoy yourself while at burning man. but burning man enthusiasts and the culture surrounding it in general is pathetic. replace ‘burning man’ in my previous statement with ‘renaissance fair’ ‘rave’, or ‘furry convention’ and i stand by my statement.

  50. I still don’t have much against Burning Man, though it looks about as spontaneous and creative as WoodStock II.

    But I just realized that I don’t know a single burner that I like.

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