Dear Officer: I sincerely apologize for not immediately offering to eat your pussy in order to get out of the parking ticket you were giving me on Second Avenue last week. Not having any excuse for my illegal parking, I hesitated to make one up when you hesitated to rip the filled-out ticket from your book. Looking back, you clearly were waiting for me to make some entreaty. If I had the opportunity to rewrite history, I would suggest a quick session of cunnilingus on you as a fair exchange for you not issuing me the ticket. Let’s analyze this option.
PROS: Being eaten out by me, a bona fide 7. (My girlfriend insists I’m a 9, I think I’m a 6, so we’ll compromise at 7.) This was in the afternoon, and studies show that’s when women benefit the most from having their boxes munched. Your break was coming up. I know where the clitoris is.
CONS: It would have had to happen in or near a Dumpster. It would have deprived the city of much-needed revenue. It would have had to happen in or near a Dumpster.
CONCLUSION: The pros of me performing oral sex on you in exchange for not issuing the ticket far outweigh the cons—and I regret not making the offer.
—Anonymous
Classy!
You think entirely too highly of yourself, and you’re reading too much into that situation. She was waiting for you to make a scene so she could write a bigger ticket.
???
@2, you don’t really get jokes, do you?
Seattle is apparently full of people who WANT to believe this dreck. How strange.
He should have offered. Then Senora Policia could have busted him for the lascivious bribe sending him to jail to give his tongue a workout with a little analingus.
this was hilarious! maybe i should be cop in seattle on a sunny afternoon near a dumpster. just think of all the 6+’s out there, waiting to get out of tickets!!! lol.
Afternoons are optimal for muff diving? I’ve been doing this all wrong.
I can confirm (at least as far as my own beloved is concerned) that mid-day cunnilingus has a significantly higher rate of success than other times of the day. But then we’ve also never incorporated a dumpster into the routine, so I can not vouch for the liklihood of success under this scenario.
Did the lead singer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers write this?
HEY HEY HEYYYYYYYY…….. This is a goodin! And without fail some anal retentive D bag weighs in with some bullshit (lookin at you 2).
Cops are such pussies.
D-U-M.
I appreciate the smart ass concept this person is putting forward, it takes ass kissing to get out of a ticket to a whole nother level. The use of the word entreaty was not dumb.
A nice piece of inventive role-playing.
Too bad, though, that more and more of the “I,Anonymous” posts are seen as a free platform for “creative” writing.
Truth is “Stranger” than fiction. Keep it real, people!
Whatever you want to say about me is fine. I’m not the loser who felt the need to make up this story and present it as though it were true.
LOLOL it’s acceptable because it’s sexual violence against a female. You know if IA had been writing about sucking cock, you would have been the first ones to slut-shame.
@17 How in the world could such an offer ever be construed as sexual violence?
I anon was better when comments weren’t allowed.
Hey, dummy (2, 16, 17). If a female IA said “I should have offered to suck your cock” to a male officer, maybe then it would have entered your brain in the vein (no pun intended) in which this IA intended. This cop looked amenable to taking a bribe. If that to you spells violence against women, you’ve got serious fucking problems. He never said anything about forcibly dragging her to the dumpster.
This made me lol, and that makes it good, no matter how fake/dumb/whatever it is.
For some reason this anonymous made me feel slightly ill. Perhaps it’s because I’ve yet to see a female parking pig who’s even remotely hot. Ick! I can only imagine how fetid that jungle box would be.
#10 – lol… “the smell of pig”
that made me chuckle.
well done.
#22- Fucking hilarious, I nearly pissed myself , Motherfucking hilarious.
Hey, there is nothing wrong with NEAR a dumpster. Particularly if both (or all) involved are in a vehicle. You can also use the corners for support rather than the sides, which reduces surface contact.
In a dumpster? Hm, can’t say I’ve been in a situation where either person was that desperate to hide.
I admit I don’t get it. Would someone please explain the humor, and please explain how #2 is being anal retentive? It’s not that I find the humor offensive or not very good. I just don’t understand what could be considered funny about this.
If the ticket was already filled out, there was no way she was not going to issue it. It was past the point of no return for both of them. So what would an offer of oral sex, or a lame excuse for illegal parking, or an insult have done for this guy/girl offering it except earn him/her more trouble? So #2 has a point.
And what does IA think she really hesitated for? If you got confronted in the act of issuing a ticket wouldn’t you hesitate because it must be an awkward or tense or ugly situation that you might not be prepared for? I would think, oh crap, is this one going to argue or whine or beg or get violent? Why wouldn’t she hesitate to rip the ticket out while she’s sizing up the situation?
Is this funny just because she hesitated? Is it funny just because the anonymous guy/girl is insulting her and we all hate meter maids so that’s funny in a 4th grade sort of way? Because of the suggestion of sex by a dumpster? What’s the angle? Because this is just the strangest non sequitor IA I can ever remember.
I’m not assuming I know the gender of IA.
@27: The gender of IA is clear, and is female. Men do not refer to themselves as “a 6” or “a 9” or “a 7”. Those are women’s clothing sizes. And this particular IA is sneaking in a brag — “Hey, I’m cute and petite, and so OF COURSE this cop wants me.”
I’m with @2. IA is full of herself, and misread a cop dealing with an arrogant dyke.
Guess what nuh uh. You couldn’t be wronger if your ass was on backwards. I rated myself with a number because I needed to put something in the PROS column. I’m a straight male, and the situation I described here happened, I did in fact get a ticket in the afternoon on Second Ave (Sooooo hard to believe I know) and I happened upon my vehicle as the cute female officer was just putting the flourish on the ticket. She did hesitate, obviously most likely because I showed up and she was considering just giving me a break. Of course the rest is fictional, in the sense that it didn’t fucking actually happen, it was an idea I had decided to write about because as someone pointed out earlier, the inverse situation is such a cliche trope that your mom used used it successfully against a State Trooper in 1984, a Snohomish County Sheriff in 2003, and me posing as a cop earlier this year. Tell your mom to quit being such a whore.
And if it matters, I can prove I’m the original IA author.
And for those of you who said this is some example of violence against women, please be quiet lest your set the cause of actual violence against women back 100 years.
@28 “6,7, or 9” is referring to how good he or she is at cunnilingus, not what size he or she is, eediot.
I’m with 21. Funny.
Obviously IA’s a man since only men think offering sex to a woman in charge is not in any way offensive and is also hilarious. Guys are so dumb.
A 1973 copy of Penthouse Forum called. It wants its sexual terminology back. Actually, did anyone ever ask to have their “box” “munched” even in those dark days?
Can’t guess gender or chronological age of IA, but guess mental age is around 2-5.
I liked this one … All the rest of you are taking your prude-ass misplaced feminist sensibilities way too seriously. The poster is not a pig, quite the contrary. Wouldn’t it be more fair if men had to appease women in authority more often, by sucking them off or at least offering to? Let’s be fair, for fuck sake.
@28: 7 and 9 are Junior sizes. US women’s sizes run in even numbers, which you’d know if you knew women’s clothing at all. Bzzt.
@17: …Wut?
@15: Also, how is it a fake letter if everything described here was simply thought in this writer’s head? Are we declaring that it’s fake to retroactively contemplate offered oral sex now?
People need to lighten up; this was hilarious.
@26: I feel sorry for you, truly. You have no sense of humor. The entire THING is a joke (other than the fact that he got a ticket from a female officer) — it’s called have an imagination. Depending on how much of an imagination this guy has, it might’ve actually crossed his mind in the moment, but of course any sane person wouldn’t really consider offering sexual favors in exchange for a $36 ticket.
I guess humor is in the tongue of the beholder.
Hey, IA…you could practice on me, and I won’t write you a ticket!
FAKE!
I’m sure the female cops who read this are thinking, “You wish!”
hilarious come back option in case of backfire: “oh come on, who is the pig here?”
@35 I do think it’s kind of funny how people are going back and forth about whether a letter written about a ridiculously implausible, purely hypothetical, written-only-for-humor situation is FAKE or not, but I do agree with @15 that these columns seem more interesting when they at least pretend to pertain to things believably existent in the real world. If you want to publish silly short fiction, that’s what your blog is for.
But at least fact-check: Meter-maids haven’t “ripped tickets from books” in probably 12 years.
If your not limited by reality why not make up a better story? And obviously when IA refers to himself as a 7 he is referring to the 1-10 scale of looks…as in “that woman is a perfect 10.”
Dude, I Anon, don’t flatter yourself.
My God, to be in a world where I could safely deck a guy who thought saying something like that was funny… that’s equality. Knowing that if someone says something retarded, offensive and (YES) vaguely threatening (or VERY THREATENING if you’ve been the victim of sexual assault before) I could just punch them.
But I’m a woman, so I have to listen to retarded versions of this I, Anon yelled from cars driving past me every day and not do a damn thing.
Nice.
You’re an idiot.
For me, about 10:32 a.m. is PERFECT. Oh, look at the time!
@45 – where does that end? He fantasized about offering to orally gratify a women and that was enough to get your hackles up.
At some point will a man looking at a woman or speaking to one be enough for you to proclaim he was leering or that he was making a sexual innuendo?
You paint yourself as a perpetual victim in your comments (“I’m a woman, so I have to listen…”), but honestly, I’d be terrified to even have a conversation with you for fear of charges being pressed.