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every week, but all submissions to I, Anonymous can be read at www.thestranger.com.
I apologize if our handshake at Tuesday’s “working lunch” came off as a bit awkward. The moment you extended your right hand, I instantly recalled the dozens of times I’ve watched you march directly from the second-stall toilet to the bathroom exit door. If you don’t want to wash your hands, that’s fine. I don’t expect you to scrub your shit-covered fingers more than Howard Hughes. However, perhaps you could be a little more courteous when it comes to covering your coworkers with your filth.
Think of it this way. When you have morning breath, you don’t try to
make out with your girlfriend. When you step in dog poop, you don’t
wipe it off on your mother’s Persian rug. And when you put your hand
against your butthole, you shouldn’t rub it on your coworkers.
So, as I sat in the hour-long meeting eating finger foods elegantly
topped with fecal matter, I feverishly plotted my revenge. The
following day after everyone had left the office, I slowly slid
your computer mouse down the
crack of my ass. Bon appétit,
Edward Shithands! 
If your bare fingers actually touch your asshole when you wipe your ass, you’re doing it wrong idiot.
aside from the base of the shaft of my dick for a shake, my hands dont touch any piece of skin when I go potty, be it #1 or #2.
you my dear, are a drama queen, no, you dont win a prize.
First!!
Great revenge for the passive/aggresive.
But wouldn’t that mouse already be covered in fecal matter from the non-wiper? So you were just rubbing their ass-covered mouse against your ass crack.
Not washing your hands after the bathroom is disgusting and dangerous, no matter where your hand lies when doing the deed. For those who have suppressed immune systems, its deadly. Rotovirus anyone?
“The whole world is covered in a small film of fecal matter. Just get used to it.” –Ella Gudwin
Why the heck did you eat the food at the meeting if you thought it was tainted?
Where’s the mandatory (and super-clever) “I thought I, Anonymous was meant for _________, not this crap” comment?
White people.
@Poe- I think the DEFENDERS OF ANONYMITY(!)(cue heroic sounding horn section) only come out to play when an article is interesting. I hate shit-n-skip fuckers just as much as the next guy (and Wurm can’t understand that it’s other people’s ass-wiping skill you have to worry about, not how well you wipe your own ass- yes they might be idiot wrong-doers but they still transfer shit to surfaces they touch), but this is a pretty reserved IA, and I’m a little disappointed, quite frankly.
Also, you forgot the conspiracists: “this was totally written by the Stranger staff, those passive-aggressive, so-obvious-as-to-obviously-be-lying-by-pretending-to-be-anonymous, palms-o-poo-hating fuckers.”
@ Mr. Poe,
Because this time it’s not somebody whining about how horrible their life is. There’s some satire to it.
But the most serious consequence of the cult of clean may be that it undermines the immune system, which, like the brain, grows and develops only when presented with challenges. Exposure to infectious agents is essential. It prompts the immune system to create specific antibodies and then store them so they can be readily summoned to defensive duty when a similar bug poses a threat.
Many scientists believe that our sanitized surroundings are fostering allergic disorders in children, which have doubled in the last decade. According to the so-called hygiene hypothesis, children who lack exposure to dirt, bacteria, and other microorganisms develop weak immune systems and are thus prone to asthma and allergies.
full article:
http://health.msn.com/health-topics/mental-health/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100218913&page=3
I’m confused. Is the non-ass-washer the waiter who’s also the co-worker? Okay, on to my 2nd cup of coffee…
I, for one, love poop. It is the one substance that all of us can relate to (aside from the obvious: urine, saliva, sweat, vomit, vaginal secretions ((even gay guys have touched it once, unless c-sectioned)), and the always dreaded ass piss). Therefore, it should unify us as a people, and bring us to a more concise understanding of how connected we really are.
IA REQUISITE CONTRADICTORY STATEMENT: @itscalledTP, does the damaging obsession of the cult of clean make it any less gross? I think not.
Washing after taking a dump is appropriate for most people, except those of us whose shit does not stink.
The definitive reference on this subject can be seen at the following link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Y-yH_Qyipc
I totally get shit all over my hands whenever I take a crap because I never learned how to wipe. I don’t bother to wash, and then I go and shake hundreds of people’s hands as I ask them to support me for public office. They all vote for me because I lower taxes on the rich. Thanks suckas!
@ Mr. Poe: I was actually going to use the non witty opposite. At least they’re putting up confessionals and not some terribly disguised low self-esteem addict cry for help. But that’s just me.
This was a pretty “shitty” i, anonymous…
black people…
Being trained in microbiology, I can guarantee that you probably acquire multiple bacterial strains when wiping and that is the reason it is required that people in the food industry wash their hands before returning to work. Many relevant scientific studies have been done, so I suggest the jerk that claimed this guy is a drama queen should read them.
oh, and to itscalledTP, why don’t you ask all those people dying of salmonella poisoning if they think he should was his hands. As an immunologist i agree that the use of antibacterial substances is greatly over the top (i.e., “the cleanliness hypothesis”) and this may adversely affect the effectiveness of the immune response or general health by altering a person’s normal flora, but I still don’t want someone to wipe and not wash. Fecal contaminants and generalized environmental antigens are two very different things.
Not to mention the fact that with the use of immune suppressants for the treatment of some disorders, you might be putting a fellow employee at great risk of serious detrimental illnesses. Let ME decide what filth I introduce into my environment, not YOU.
So, I blushed when I received my very own flyer advertising your political career in the mail today addressed just to me or current resident. It was so very kind of you! I confess that I think you are a very hunky Councilman, so I wanted to know that if you are not married, or have a girlfriend and I vote for you, could we go out for dinner?