I‘m standing on the cliff of my mind, looking down into the abyss that I’m not sure I can avoid jumping into. I climbed out of that abyss in 2008 and have been walking steadily away from it since. But now the medicine that dragged me into that horrible place—that is stored in my fat cells—is released every time I lose a considerable amount of weight. I’m down almost 20 pounds in two months, and now the hallucinations have started again. The worst part is that I know I don’t notice the personality changes. I don’t notice the anger and depression and general haze. It will destroy me, and I’ll have no idea it’s happening. I’ve been having trouble in my relationship recently, and to think that my medicine may be the cause sickens me. What’s next? When do I fall? Or have I already fallen?

—Anonymous

34 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  5. @3 Totally, as the pockets of ‘medication’ stored in your intestinal epithelium are jarred loose and get digested.

    Me too.

  9. Don’t try to solve this on your own.

    Please seek help, if not for your own sake for the sake of everyone else in your life.

  13. Keep doing what you’re doing, just slow down the weight loss closer to 1 lb per week. There are several potential problems when weight loss is too precipitous.

  18. It sounds like Anon was on prescription meds, reacted badly to them, and stopped taking them, but is still suffering the side effects, as the drugs have not left his/her system yet. My bet would be SSRI’s, which are commonly prescribed for depression, but cause nasty side effects like suicidal ideation and psychosis in an unlucky few people.

    A lot of psychiatric drugs are fat soluble, so they remain in your body, esp. in your fat cells, for a long time after you stop taking them – and, yes, they’re released if you lose weight. It may even be that Anon gained weight *because* of the meds, and started dropping the weight once he/she got off them.

    Anon, that sounds like a pile of suck and you have my sympathy. You are seeing a doctor, right? It’s also a good idea, if you don’t do this already, to keep a phone number for a crisis line handy in case you start freaking out. Also, you might want to make an agreement with a close friend or relative – someone you trust – that you can phone them, even at 4 am, if you really need to. Good luck.

  19. before i read sea otter’s comment i wanted to say: this sounds like the idiot i had dinner with last nite. done and done. crazy needs crazy. – my date/who i thought was my amour the past several months thought it was okay to sleep in the same bed as an ex-lover of his and that because he was honest about it, i should be okay with it too. not to forget that this (probably) happened when she was in the same need of a place to stay back in January and i found her cigarette butts in the bedroom ashtray.

    after reading sea otter’s comment – i still think my (i don’t really know what to call him right now)is an idiot, but that i shouldn’t make fun of his or his ex-lovers need for meds (her pill container was sitting on the kitchen counter yesterday) – and yes, that it was a low-blow to make myself feel better, knowing also that as strange as i might be, i’m not medicated (yet). he’s lost a lot of weight on this diet he’s been on and he’s been looking great and doing well – but my view changed last nite. not of his physical image but what was going on inside of him. it’s time for me to be alone.

  20. I’m in the same place. As I loose weight I go through weird stages..three weeks of migraines..ups..downs..stomach distress..so it’s a nightmare. I have an MA and I have to work as a 10.00ph wage slave so I don’t fail in a job of my caliber due to that and so can keep my disablity rehabilitation on SSI.

    All because of three kinds of psych-meds and toxins burning through my body. All because a doctor decided I was fat instead of diagnosing me 15 years ago to “loose weight” instead of doing an ultrasound for PCOS.

    Try to get disablity..keep a STRICT routine. Give yourself more rest than you need. Stop eating food additives. Drink lots of water.

    I can’t think of better advice but be gentle with yourself and be honest with your partner, “this is not ME, this is the biochemical imbalance in my brain. I will be better later. Right now I need to be alone for your saftey.”

  21. Thank you, Sea Otter, for your basic reading comprehension! Maybe that will cut down on, at least, the “Get off the meds!” comments.

  22. This was definitely written to be vague but I suspect someones back to using meth again. My advice? Get the fuck off it! There is no other drug out there as totally completely fucking destructive as meth. Meth is death.

  24. Weight loss can cause several non-prescription drugs to re-emerge from fat cells, such as THC. I’ve noticed a uptick in PCP flashbacks from a decades-ago binge since I’ve been losing weight.

  26. Sounds like you were on meds that helped you, and now that you have gone off them you are hallucinating, believing that it was the meds that made you crazy (rather than making you sane), etc. It’s a common thing with bipolar people who go off their meds. See a shrink!

  27. Are you in ketosis as a result of your diet? That is, are you burning weight so briskly that you are using fat breakdown products (ketones) rather than glucose to fuel your cells? The central nervous system CAN use ketones, but it would rather not — and troubled mentation frequently ensues when someone diets aggressively. Think of an engine with a mis-adjusted carburetor…

    If so, maybe some of the difficulties you’ve encountered are not stored drugs being released as fatty tissues are digested. Maybe they’re normal and physiologic, part of successful dieting. Partial solution: Diet more slowly.

  29. Talk to your psychiatrist to determine whether your meds are causing this. If they are, then get off of them with the supervision of your doctor. Don’t try to “freestyle” it and think you can withdraw from this stuff on your own…that’s what got me to the hospital and then jail in very short order. Good luck with your situation.

  30. For the few of you who are referring to this person as “crazy,” kindly fuck off. If this person has or had a psychological disorder or issue, it does not make him or her “crazy.” A disorder of the mind — be it depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, PTSD, etc. — is hardly different than any other unwanted medical condition. Just as no one brings cancer upon himself, no one brings a mental illness upon himself. But cancer is normally quite easily identified and diagnosable. And there are often textbook ways of treating it. And people see you beating it, or not beating it.

    It’s not always easy to diagnose or identify a mental illness. And it’s not always easily treated. And people don’t always know if you’re “beating” it. You battle it alone. Because you’re “crazy,” and people are scared of crazy. And sometimes you can’t beat it at all.

    People with mental illnesses have just that: an ILLNESS. You wouldn’t dismiss a cancer patient’s illness, so what makes you think it’s okay to dismiss anyone else’s? Just because you can’t see it, like a broken arm or an open sore, mental illness still very much exists, and very much eats at the people who live with it.

  32. I struggled for a long time to find the right med combo. Please keep seeking what can work for you. Please be patient.
    As for most of you, who made fun of anon, I hope you struggle with mental illness. You guys suck.

  34. Stop yoyo dieting-It’s terrible for you and makes finding the proper combination of meds and proper dosage all but impossible.
    Make an appointment with a reputable dietician and a qualified psychotherapist and work towards establishing a healthier, less chaotic pattern in both your physical and mental/emotional care.

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