A famous philosopher (maybe it was John
Cougar Mellencamp) once said, “Hell is right here on earth.” And I tend
to agree with his assessment because… umm… excuse me… has anyone
noticed there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON TELEVISION?!? In case the
networks have forgotten, I’m paying BIG money to my satellite provider
for monthly access to 297 channels of supposedly unsurpassed
entertainment. So can someone please explain to me why I CAN’T FIND
A SINGLE FREAKING THING TO WATCH?
Look at my thumb. I SAID, “LOOK AT IT“!! It’s bent
like a syphilitic monkey penis because I’ve spent the last 43 hours
flipping through channels looking for something… ANYTHING to watch!
And this is EXACTLY what I imagine hell is like—that is, if I’m
not there already! Oh, I know what you’re thinking: “This can’t be
hell, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me, because hell wouldn’t have Mad Men.” OH, YES IT WOULD SO TOO! Mad Men would
be exactly the sort of thing Satan would have in hell, so you would be
living in bliss for one hour a week and then suffering in burny
skillets of molten lava for the remaining 167! DAMN THEE, BEELZEBUB!
WHY MUST THOU ENDLESSLY TORMENT ME WITH YOUR POINTY TRIDENT AND RERUNS
OF HOUSE?
And that, my friends is why I’ve decided to give the big “eff
you” to “Old Scratch” AND television, because until the new fall season
starts, I’m going off the grid, baby! Until further notice, I
will only be watching old episodes of My So-Called Life on the
internet TV site Hulu (www.hulu.com)!
Point of fact: My So-Called Life is the pinnacle of human
artistic endeavor. (Yes, even more so than the bottle of High
School Musical hand sanitizer sitting on my desk.) For those who
unwisely value ignorance over awesomeness, My So-Called Life ran
for a scant 19 episodes in 1994–95 and featured the wildly
realistic lives of hormonally imbalanced teens. The show centered
around Angela Chase (played by Claire Danes)—a deliciously
awkward yet sensitive dork who eternally pined for the subliterate
hunkiness of beefcake/dreamboat Jordan Catalano (Jared Leto).
Also along for the ride was brainiac nerd Brian Krakow (desperately in
love with Angela), drunky slut Rayanne Graff, and gay Rickie Vasquez
(who, even though he had the most serious problems, was the most
levelheaded of the bunch).
Point of fact number two: This show is so incredibly awesome, it
gives me the tweetarded tingles. The dialogue is hilariously spot-on in
regards to the doofy way teens talk, the parents are suitably
loathsome, and every problem—no matter how tiny—IS THE END
OF THE FREAKING WORLD. And though low ratings (and a movie-career-horny
Claire Danes) ended the series all too soon, My So-Called Life paved the way for somewhat less brilliant teen dramedies such as
Dawson’s Creek, Freaks and Geeks, The O.C., and
(ugh) Gossip Girl.
So if you’re hating this summer’s TV offerings, kick Satan in his
hot nutsack and hop over to the internet for some sweet My
So-Called Life until the new fall season starts. Remember, another
great philosopher once said, “Heaven is a place on earth.” (That would
be Belinda Carlisle, FYI.) 
THURSDAY, AUGUST 27
10:00 SHO PENN & TELLER: BULLSHIT!
Season finale! For their final episode of the season, the magicians
call BS on the magic kingdom of BS: the Vatican!
10:00 USA ROYAL PAINS
Season finale! Hank treats a hallucinating woman, which wouldn’t be
so awful if she weren’t hallucinating that he’s a giant crab.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 28
9:00 USA MONK
The obsessive-compulsive Monk poses as an assassin, which means he
has to lock and load and lock and load and lock…
SATURDAY, AUGUST 29
9:00 NBC WRESTLEMANIA’S 25TH ANNIVERSARY
Triple H, Undertaker, and more celebrate 25 years of homoerotic body
slams and pile drivers.
9:00 BBCA BEING HUMAN
Season finale! Three roommates (a vampire, a werewolf, and a ghost)
wage an epic battle to save humanity (and argue over the chore
wheel).
SUNDAY, AUGUST 30
9:00 SYFY HIGH PLAINS INVADERS—Movie
(2009) Buffy’s James Marsters stars as a Wild West cowboy battling
uranium-based aliens. Yee-haw?
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
The writers are forced to work overtime—which means more
late-night, alcohol-fueled sexist shenanigans!
MONDAY, AUGUST 31
10:00 OXY DANCE YOUR ASS OFF
Season finale! It’s the final weigh-in to see which contestants ass
has literally been danced off.
10:30 VH1 TOOL ACADEMY
Season premiere! Another gaggle of bad boyfriends (or “tools” if you
prefer) get humiliated by their naggy gals!
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1
10:00 FX RESCUE ME
Season finale! Janet and Sheila’s perfect scheme goes to hell in a
proverbial handbasket.
10:00 SPIKE SURVIVING DISASTER
Debut! Helpful tips on what to do when terrorists hijack your
airplane. Hint: Calling the airline to complain probably won’t
help.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2
8:30 CBS FALL PREVIEW
CBS trots out clips of its fall shows, which includes NCIS, NCIS:
Los Angeles, and Matlock: NCIS.
9:00 FOX GLEE
If you missed it the first time, be sure to catch the pilot for the
most nerdtastic theater-geek show ever!
Suck it, Satan!
What about WEEDS? That’s kickin my ass. Yeah, it’s only 26.5 minutes, but its the cool.
Also worth watching is The Science Channel’s program EXODUS EARTH, with Brit-hunk-Quantum Physicist Dr. Basil Singer. The premise is simple, pick a planet and then explore the logistics of colonization or simple exploration of said planet. It’s nerdy, but at least you won’t feel dumber or dirty after.
Project Runway
I do agree that My so Called Life is a tremendous achievement, possible the the best television show of the 90’s (second only to Twin Peaks and Beavis & Butthead) but if you haven’t already – do yourself a favor and check out Friday Night Lights on NBC. In the award show in my mind MsCL has been dethroned as the best high school drama ever – supplanted by FNL. You’re welcome.
Rent “Summer Heights High” which ran on HBO. Alas, only 8 episodes of 1/2 each. From Australia. Set in a high school. Up there with the (British) Office.
Also, rent all 5 seasons of “The Wire” if you have not seen it yet.
Um, what about True Blood? and don’t say you’re not “into vampires” cause this is not just another vampire show. IT’S EFFING AMAZING.