In a shocking turn of events, I shall now reveal that I DESPISE THE
SUPER BOWL. (Yes, I fully realize I have begun every Super Bowl column
for the last 10 years with this statement. WHAT’S YOUR FREAKING POINT?)
Seriously, is this overbloated, commercialized,
homoerotic/-phobic exercise in bashing out human brains really the
ultimate American event? Is this really the best we can do after seeing
China’s spectacular Olympic Games opening ceremonies or Barack Obama’s
inauguration? These are the kind of events that should bring us
together—events that say, “Hey, we’re AMERICAN (or Chinese, in
the Chinese’s case), and this is what we STAND FOR.”
“You, Wm. Steven Hump-Me, are a homo,” I hear many of you cry. “The
Super Bowl is an epic example of masculine pageantry, throwing a
celebratory light on the last vestiges of machismo and virility that have been slowly sucked from the emasculated male corpse.” WOW. I
couldn’t agree with you more. Plus, it SUCKS. You forgot to mention
that part.
Anyway, since I’m the stupid TV columnist, I have to mention that
the stupid Super Bowl is on this stupid Sunday, stupid February 1, on
stupid NBC, at stupidly stupid 6:00 stupid p.m. HOWEVER! I am so
uninterested in the Super Bowl, I’ve decided not to mention, or even do
the necessary research to find out, who’s playing—in
protest! (Take that, Super Bowl organizers! Would you like
some salve to go with your buuuuuuuuuurn?)
On the other hand, there is one reason to watch the Super
Bowl—and that’s for the ridiculously overblown controversy that’s
bound to happen. For example, remember that Super Bowl when Janet
Jackson’s titty fell out? Or that one Super Bowl when they showed a
Snickers commercial featuring two supposedly hetero guys giving each
other a tonsil massage with their tongues? Or when Prince masturbated
his guitar behind that big white sheet? (Ew.) Anyway… people went
ape-poop!
So am I right in saying—and you already know that I
am—that the only real purpose of a Super
Bowl is to be a vehicle for whatever controversy happens to occur?
Yes, I am right, and here’s my proof. Answer me this: The year Janet
Jackson’s titty fell out, who played in the Super Bowl and what was the
score? Uh-huh. I REST MY CASE.
Therefore, the Super Bowl committee—who I imagine as
slope-foreheaded Neanderthals with long flowing locks of hair growing
from their knuckles—should stop worrying about the success or
failure of the actual game. They should focus all of their attention on
making this year’s controversy the most controversial ever! Ideas? Of
COURSE I have ideas!
During the first half of the game, they should have some
guy dressed up like Osama bin Laden run out onto the field, steal
the ball, and then run away from the players as the Benny Hill theme song plays in the background. While Bruce Springsteen is playing
the half-time show, his titty should fall out. Followed by his penis.
And finally, in the game’s final moments, the quarterbacks from each
team should meet on the 50-yard line, pull their pants down, and rub
their Snickers together.
Now, that’s good controversy. 
THURSDAY, JANUARY 29
8:00 HBO THE TRIALS OF TED HAGGARD
Don’t miss this fascinating documentary about Reverend Ted
Haggard—post–gay sex scandal, but still hungry for
cock!
9:00 FOX HELL’S KITCHEN
Season premiere! Chef Gordon Ramsay returns for another season of
calling people “stupid fucking donkeys.”
FRIDAY, JANUARY 30
10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Baltar’s sexy Six returns—but as an angel? There goes my
boner.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 31
8:00 ABC ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON
BURGUNDY—Movie
(2004) Will Ferrell stars as the most hilarious sexist ’70s-era news
anchor ever!
8:00 ANI NATIONAL DOG SHOW
It’s the one time of year when it’s okay to reach between a dog’s
legs.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 1
6:00 NBC SUPER BOWL XLIII
Okay, fine! It’s the Cardinals versus the Steelers. JEEZ.
10:30 NBC THE OFFICE
Two post–Super Bowl episodes guest-starring Jack Black, Cloris
Leachman, and Jessica Alba (whose titty will fall out, I hope).
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 2
9:00 MTV BROMANCE
Season finale! Brody picks his new “bro” and asks, “Now can we rub
our Snickers together?”
9:00 NBC HEROES
Hiro loses his superpowers, so… go back to your mom’s basement,
nerd!
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 3
9:30 ABC SCRUBS
Ted falls in love with a ukelele player. That is so very sad.
10:00 MTV A DOUBLE SHOT OF LOVE
Season finale! The Ikki Twins pick the people with whom they’ll be
sharing their crabs.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
Welcome to the Hollywood round—which is convenient because the
losers can go straight into porn.
8:00 ABC LOST
The castaways continue to jump back and forth in time, but pause in
the ’60s to do some sex and drugs and socking it to “The Man.”
Let’s rub our Snickers together.
love this column
if you remember the perennially lame halftime show (wardbrode malfunction or not) more than the Pats 2nd SB win over Carolina in a thrilling last-minute drive by burgeoning star Tom Brady…U WERE NEVER A FAN TO BEGIN WITH..have fun watching the enlightening selections on MTV while the knuckle-haired neanderthals lament your absence.
yaaaaa…. not to be rude, but I’m pretty sure Savage raises an eyebrow at dudes who don’t watch the Superbowl.
Also, it was the Panthers versus the Patriots in Superbowl 38 and the score was 32-29. It was held in Houston, and no I didn’t need to wikipedia that. There were 37 combined points scored in the 4th quarter! How the shit do you not remember that? I was blacked out on jager shots by the 3rd quarter and I remember that.
Can someone please check this dude’s man-card?
I’ve been reading this column for years and the material has been getting gayer and gayer. Is Humphrey inching his way out of the closet?
Great super bowl post. I laughed out loud several times! I don’t think its so much about what he said, (though springsteen’s titty falling out is gold) but how much disdain he has for the superbowl. Great stuff!
I, for one, enjoy the Superbowl. I don’t know who’s playing, and I don’t care. On Superbowl Sunday I make sure The Manly Man is provided with chips, dip, beer, and cocktail franks wrapped in crescent roll dough. Then I take off with my pals for a day of shopping, followed by a stop at the high end grocery store. They have a chicken wing bar set up – 7 varieties! – and we stuff our faces until the cows come home. Clean up, go home, and the game is over!
Goodness gracious, have some patriotism for once in your life, man! Where are you living, Algeria? This is AMERICA! Land of the free, home of the brave, who fought for your right to sit and be stagnant for hours on end AND ENJOY IT, DAMN IT ALL. Here in America, we play a game called football. EMBRACE the stupidity! Can’t you possibly just sit back and relax and watch one little game of football?
In other words, sit your feminine ass down with the most fattening foods in your house and let it wash over you.
Pats/Panthers, 32-29, and like others on this list, I didn’t have to look that up.
On the other hand, I did have to look up the Ikki Twins. I guess Mr. Humphrey and I have different priorities.