I Love Television

And here’s another thing that’s wildly unfair! Superpowers that
aren’t recognized by
the nerd community as legitimate
super-powers! Example: Every drooling nerd in the world agrees that flying, invisibility, and being able to hold your breath
underwater for an extended amount of time automatically classifies one
as a superhero. HOWEVER! I have abilities far beyond those of mortal
(albeit slightly effeminate) men, and not a goddamn nerd in the world
appreciates them.

One such superpower I possess is “rock-star parking.” Eight times
out of ten I can pull up at a restaurant or club and find a parking
place—right in front, baby! Another power is porking the
daughters of elected officials. What can I say? It’s a gift. And my
final and perhaps most important superpower is hating everything that
everyone else seems to love… oh, you have that power, too? Let’s form
a club!

Longtime readers of this column already know that I DESPISE huge
cultural events such as the Super Bowl, presidential elections (except
the last one, which was okay I guess), and especially THE
MOTHERFREAKING OSCARS. What a load of baloney this thing is! And yet,
for reasons that are unfathomable to me, people actually seem to
enjoy watching these overdressed egomaniacal hams strutting down the red carpet and then getting AWARDS for waving their
arms around and talking in funny accents. In my high school? We gave
awards to thespians, too! They were called the “wedgies” and
“swirlies”!

Anywhoop, the stupid Academy Awards is Sunday, February 22 (ABC, 5
pm), and this year promises to be more superfluous and ridiculous than
ever, because let’s face it—Hollywood is practically INCAPABLE
of making a decent movie. In fact, in many cases, TV kicks movies’
ass when it comes to quality. Mad Men, The Shield,
Battlestar Galactica… these shows make movies like The
Curious Case of Benjamin Button look like The Overrated Case of
Blowhard Butthole! (Did you like that one? Me, too.)

The way I see it? If it’s been a crap year at the movies, then they
shouldn’t be allowed to have the Academy Awards. Or, if they
must, then the nominees for Best Picture of 2009 should also have to
compete against two actually classic films from the past! For example,
let’s say out of this year’s nominees, Frost/Nixon comes out on
top. However, if Frost/Nixon is simply another crap movie in a
field of crap movies, what does that prove? That’s why if
Frost/Nixon wins the first round, it should then go on to
compete that very same night with a film that’s a true classic!
Like what? Like motherfreaking Robocop,
bitches!

Tell the truth: Put Robocop up against Benjamin
Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, The Reader, and
Slumdog Millionaire and tell me which movie you’d watch again
and again? I have a dream, America! That one night, instead of that
ugly mope Sean Penn dragging his sorry ass down the red carpet, the
Oscars will get a little visit from Robocop, who only has one prime
directive: Taking the statue that’s rightfully his! Now, I’d buy THAT
for a dollar! (Please note Robocop reference.)

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 19

8:00 NBC MY NAME IS EARL
Danny Glover guest stars as Darnell’s estranged father, and yes, he’s getting too old for this shit.
9:00 FOX HELL’S KITCHEN
Can the chefs tell the difference between human and animal meat? Let’s find out!

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 20

9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE
Echo is bummed when she goes on a safari and learns she’s the prey. Why does this always happen?!?
10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
The Galactica hires a piano player to liven things up, which promptly makes the ship’s suicide rate skyrocket.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 21

8:00 HBO TAKING CHANCE—Movie
(2009) Kevin Bacon is an Iraq war vet who escorts the body of a dead soldier back to the United States.
11:00 COM AISHA TYLER IS IT
Former host of The Soup (and wicked hot) Aisha Tyler delivers her standup act from the Fillmore.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 22

5:30 ABC ACADEMY AWARDS
Hugh Jackman hosts, so cue up the LAME Wolverine jokes. SNORE!!!
10:00 HBO FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS
Jermaine and Bret battle over the same girl (SNL’s Kristen Wiig) and her epileptic dog.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 23

9:00 TNT THE CLOSER
Season finale! Stupid, selfish criminals keep interrupting what should be Brenda and Fritz’s perfect wedding! SOB!

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 24

6:00 ALL NETS PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS TO CONGRESS
President Obama implores Americans not to panic—but maybe bolt the doors and load their guns… just in case.
10:00 ANI DARK DAYS IN MONKEY CITY
Debut! A new show about troubled monkey tribes. Roller skates and little red jumpers will cheer them up!

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 25

8:00 CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL
Season premiere! Tyra chooses her newest crop of models in Las Vegas, which is convenient because they’re all drunk strippers anyway.
9:00 ABC LOST
Locke gets off the island and steps into a big pile of dead.