Admittedly, it’s been a few years since I was in college—but
I’m purrrrrretty sure things haven’t changed much. For example, I’m
fairly certain that college kids still like to get incredibly
drunk and climb the outside of the administration building in order
to sneak into the dean’s office window to doctor their permanent
record—but instead, end up falling off the building on top of
their fat friend, Jimmy “Porkhole” Portsman, sending him to the college
infirmary with a broken femur.
Another popular college hobby is to get incredibly drunk, dress up
like Rambo, sneak into the Alpha Chi sorority house with the
intention of seducing Rhonda Fletcher, and being unable to find her
because she’s out with her dick boyfriend Alan Pfister, instead decide
to make a sandwich and urinate in the bathroom—which,
unfortunately, isn’t really a bathroom at all, but Tonya Jacob’s bed,
which she happens to be sleeping in, after which the student is
eventually brought up on sexual-assault charges. For accidentally
urinating on somebody? C’MON!!! THAT’S SO FREAKING LAME!!! (Not
that this ever happened to me, of course.)
Suffice it to say, no matter how much things change in college (such
as using a “computer,” as opposed to scratching out arithmetic on a
shovel using a piece of coal), the more things stay the same. And this
week, MTV will help prove my theory with their new reality show
College Life (debuts Mon March 2, 10:30 pm). Did I say “reality”
show? I am so full of crap. As the producers put it, College
Life “is not reality… this is real!” Rather than following
around a few freshmen from the University of Wisconsin, Madison, with
an army of camera people (as they do in The Real World and a bazillion other shows), the producers have armed the college
kids with their own cameras so they can
videotape their adventures 24 hours a day.
Now, how is this more “real” than your average “reality show”?
Mmmmm… well… it ain’t. The problem with all “reality” shows is that
the people being filmed know they’re being filmed—which
automatically negates the “realness” of any given situation. ON THE
OTHER HAND, “reality” is totally overrated. The last time I
checked, I live in “reality,” and it’s a goddamn BORE, filled with
BORING people BORING the shit out of me with their BORING BORINGNESS.
So instead of watching some nobody sitting around picking their toe
jam, give me “hyper-reality” where the skanks on the Rock of Love
Bus rip off each other’s extensions to see who can be the first to
snort coke off Bret Michaels’s wiener.
So, hopefully, the “reality” of College Life won’t be too
“real.” After all, who wants to see a frosh whining about missing her
b-friend back in Saskatchewan, when you could be witnessing a senior
drinking 48 beers in 48 hours and thinking it would be hilarious to
dig up a corpse from a nearby graveyard and leave it sitting at
the desk of Mrs. Anderson, my philosophy teacher. I MEAN, THE
UNNAMED SENIOR’S PHILOSOPHY TEACHER!! 
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 26
9:00 FOX HELL’S KITCHEN
The chefs must feed a squad of famished football players. (They may
want to put on their helmets.)
9:30 NBC 30 ROCK
To the surprise of no one, Tracy Jordan’s interview with Larry King
plunges NYC into citywide chaos.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 27
9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE
Echo protects a pop star—but can she stop her from shaving her
hair off and attacking people with an umbrella?
10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Helo hops in the sack with Boomer—or is that another cylon
model? (As if I’d care! Let’s tap that toaster!)
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 28
9:00 SCIFI ANACONDAS: TRAIL OF
BLOOD—Movie
(2009) When scientists split one gigantic mutant snake into TWO
gigantic mutant snakes—what could go wrong?
SUNDAY, MARCH 1
9:00 NBC CELEBRITY APPRENTICE
Season premiere! Trump returns with a batch of half-baked celebs
including Clint Black, Tom Green, and Joan Rivers!
10:30 HBO EASTBOUND & DOWN
Don’t miss this heee-larious sitcom about a disgraced baseball
pitcher starring Danny McBride!
MONDAY, MARCH 2
8:00 ABC THE BACHELOR
Season finale! Will Jason choose Molly or Melissa to spend the rest
of his miserable life with?
10:30 MTV COLLEGE LIFE
Debut! College freshmen videotape themselves being “normal.” I’m
scared, too.
TUESDAY, MARCH 3
8:00 CW REAPER
Season premiere! The gang returns from their unannounced road trip
to learn they’ve been FIRED?! Has the world gone topsy-turvy?
10:00 FX NIP/TUCK
Season finale! Christian takes extreme measures to cure his breast
cancer (in a tasteful way, I’m sure).
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 4
8:00 CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL
Tyra chooses the top 13 models to live in (and eventually destroy) a
beautiful NYC loft.
9:00 ABC LOST
In order to survive, the castaways must perpetuate a lie. Sawyer!
Little help here, please?
Instead of a PhD, I have a BFD.