I Love Television

Wait. You… you can’t just leave! After all we’ve been through?
I thought things were going great! I’ve been doing everything I
promised, right? I’ve been setting my DVR, I’ve canceled appointments,
I’ve even stopped going out with friends so I could be with you! And
suddenly it’s over? BUT THE TV SEASON JUST STARTED!

Ohhhh… “It’s not you; it’s me.” Where have I heard that before?
Look, I knew entering into this relationship that it wouldn’t last…
but you’ve only been on for a couple dozen episodes! And now
you’re going away until next fall… and may not come back at all? This
was your plan all along, wasn’t it? To lure me in, tantalize me into
watching you every week, to make me LOVE YOU—and then during
March sweeps you’d leave, laughing as my world falls to pieces. OH…
YOU COLD, HEARTLESS BEAVER!

I gave up sex with actual people for you! And this is how you repay
me? You trifling, low-down, good-for-nothing… wait. What do you mean
you’re taking your friends with you?

• Battlestar Galactica (SCIFI, Fri March 20, 8
pm). You’re taking my Battlestar away? FOREVER? Well… fine!
See if I care! I was sick of it anyway! When I first met that show, it
was young, hot, and sexy—but now everybody’s moping around the
ship like they need to take a big grumpy dump. Even the Cylons have
lost their sex appeal… and you know how I enjoy making love to
mechanical conscienceless devices with simulated human genitalia.

• Big Love (HBO, Sun March 22, 9 pm). What?
Now… hold on a second, baby. Let’s not get rash! Big
Love—that smart, dishy soap about polygamists—is
currently the best show on TV! It’s loaded with brains, humor,
intrigue, and if I could, I’d marry it. WAIT! No, baby, I was just
joking! Look. Just whatever you do, don’t take my…

• Eastbound & Down (HBO, Sun March 22, 10:30
pm). AAAAHHHH! NOOOOOOO! Now you’re just being cruel! You know I love
the “making fun of hillbillies” genre, and Eastbound & Down is a brilliant entry. Starring Danny McBride (Tropic Thunder,
The Foot Fist Way), Eastbound is the consistently
hilarious tale of a steroid-shooting ex-MLB pitcher whose fall from
fame forces him to take a job at his old high school. And now you’re
telling me I’m going to have to wait an entire year for more
jokes about drinking, farting, and topless girls riding Jet Skis?
YOU’RE A MONSTER!!

• Jon & Kate Plus 8 (TLC, Mon March 23, 9
pm). AUGGHH! The knife in my heart! You’re killing me, baby! How did
you even know how much I secretly adore this reality show about a naggy
wife, her depressed, emasculated hubby, and their eight screaming
brats? You’ve taken everything I love, and you’re leaving me with
NOTHING!!

Hold on a second… there’s a new show on MTV called Taking the
Stage (Thurs March 19, 10 pm) about performing-arts-high-school
students, which is loosely based on Fame? OH BOY!!! Get out of
my house, skank! I’m booked up until next fall! SLAM!