I Love Television

It’s another huge week for TV—and yet I will focus much of
this column on minutiae that is of interest only to myself. And
unsurprisingly, the subject is once again MONKEYS. Today’s
monkey topic: Why does the media continue to represent monkeys in such
a ridiculously factual manner?

Example: This week, the Animal Planet network brings us the
second-season premiere of the awesomely titled but poorly executed
Escape to Chimp Eden (Fri April 3, 9 pm). When I first heard of
this show, I squealed like a tween catching her first glimpse of a
Jonas Brother nipple—because I thought the show was going to
be an accurate representation of the title. I mean… c’mon! Escape
to Chimp Eden SHOULD be about monkeys being rescued from zoos and
taken to a Japanese TV studio where they can (a) eat spaghetti, (b)
wear little red jumpers, (c) roller-skate and/or ride Segways, and (d)
fling their poop at humans. That’s “Eden,” right? Instead, the show is
about a naturalist who “rescues” endangered chimps and transports them
to a wildlife preserve in Africa.

WTF?!?

Last time I checked, there are no Segways in Africa! There are also
no little red jumpers to wear! (There may be spaghetti… I’m not
sure.) However, there is an ample supply of BOREDOM. Therefore!
If this naturalist is so convinced that monkeys would be happier in
SUPER-BORING Africa than a super-fun-filled Japanese TV
studio—THEN WHY DOESN’T HE LIVE THERE? Check… mate… and
BURRRRRRN.

Now, while naturalists all over the world are sputtering and fuming
in impotent rage over my totally wicked burn, let’s check out some
non-chimp-related shows coming on this week.

• ER (NBC, Thurs April 2, 9 pm). It’s the
two-hour SERIES finale of ER, and they’re pulling out all the
stops by bringing on the most awesome special guest star ever, ERNEST
BORGNINE! (Note to anyone who’s never heard of the extraordinarily
splendiferous and loveably majestic Borgnine: You suck. He was in
Airwolf, man! AIR FREAKING WOLF!!)

• The Hills (MTV, Mon April 6, 10 pm). I just
watched the trailer for The Hills fifth-season premiere over at
MTV.com, and it… was… A-MA-ZING! Some
biznatch invites Heidi to Lauren’s birthday party, Spencer gets in a
slap fight with Steph’s b-friend, and Audrina’s donkey teeth threaten
to sink the whole of Southern California. This is gonna be the best
season ever!

• The Unusuals (ABC, Wed April 8, 10 pm). A team
of NYC detectives (including Joan of Arcadia‘s Amber Tamblyn,
Lost‘s Harold Perrineau, and The Hebrew Hammer‘s Adam
Goldberg) fights crime, while each member battles his or her own unique
mental illness. Hey, that’s just like me… except for the
crime-fighting part.

• Deadliest Warrior (Spike, Tues April 7, 10 pm).
In this reality show, a gang of fighting/weapons experts study the
moves of some of the most vicious warriors in history and pit them
against each other in a computer-generated fight to the finish! Don’t
miss such epic battles as “Ninja vs. Spartan,” “Gladiator vs. Apache,”
“Yakuza vs. Mafia” and “Roller-Skating Chimp vs. Naturalist.” (One can
dream, can’t one?)

THURSDAY, APRIL 2

9:00 NBC ER

Series finale! In the final episode, Noah Wyle returns along with
other unemployed former cast members.

11:00 VH1 FREE RADIO

Season premiere! A very funny sitcom about a moron who gets his own
radio show. Why is everyone so surprised he’s a moron?

FRIDAY, APRIL 3

9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE

Echo awakens with all of her original memories intact and leads the
other dolls in a dollhouse break!

SATURDAY, APRIL 4

10:00 USA WWE HALL OF FAME INDUCTION

“Stone Cold” Steve Austin and others are inducted into the wrestling
hall of fame, which is subsequently destroyed by a grudge match.

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Actor Seth “star of every decent comedy from the last three years”
Rogen hosts.

SUNDAY, APRIL 5

8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS

Moe meets a foxy lady on the internet who turns out to be a foxy
midg… ummmm… “little person”!

10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD

Hank hires some new drug runners. (Hey, at least meth production
isn’t being affected by the economic crisis!)

MONDAY, APRIL 6

9:30 ABC SURVIVING SUBURBIA

Debut! Bob Saget (Full House) returns as a bumbling suburban
dad—but where the EFF is effing Uncle Jesse??

10:00 MTV THE HILLS

Season premiere! Lauren decides to move out, Lo stands around
looking like a rabbit that just had a prostate exam.

TUESDAY, APRIL 7

8:00 ABC IT’S THE EASTER BEAGLE, CHARLIE BROWN

Linus is wrongly convinced the “Easter beagle” will visit and that
Jesus died for his sins.

10:00 FX RESCUE ME

Season premiere! The firefighters discover a new way to score tons
of money and sex. Umm… don’t forget about the fires, guys!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 8

9:00 ABC LOST

To pay for his crimes, Ben must face “The Smoke Monster’s Court.”
(If this show were real, I’d watch it every day.)

10:00 ABC THE UNUSUALS

Debut! A female detective is transferred to a department filled with
barely functional sociopaths with guns. Yay!