Look. I’m getting purrrrr-etty tired of all this “holiday sharing.”
Especially from this Jesus character! He’s always riding the coattails
of other holidays. Not only did Jesus horn in on Santa’s action (“What
a coincidence! December 25 is my birthday!”), but Easter, too?
That’s bogus, dude! So just for the record, here’s what Easter
IS, followed by what Easter AIN’T.
WHAT EASTER IS: Easter is waking up on a glorious spring day
and eating 14 packages of marshmallow Peeps by 10:00 a.m. Then around
10:01, I start in on the two-foot-tall chocolate bunny. I eat its ears,
I eat its face, and then I eat its ass. I say, “Hey, Mr. Bunny! I’m
eating your ASS! It feels goooooood, doesn’t it?” Then I vomit.
After that I boil roughly eight dozen eggs and decorate them as
famous serial killers. I hide the eggs in easy-to-find
places—tucking them in rarely worn shoes is a TERRIBLE idea,
btw—and collect them in a pretty pink basket as I skip around in
the nude. I eat as many boiled eggs as possible and throw the rest at
passing motorcycle cops. THE END. Wait… I nearly forgot. Then I get a
horrible case of gas and spend the afternoon in stomach-clutching
agony. THE END.
WHAT EASTER AIN’T: Sitting on a hard wooden pew, dressed in
an embarrassing ensemble of white button-up shirt, tie, and Dockers,
and listening to a religious windbag recount a snuff film starring a
guy who’s been dead for over 2,000 years. Ummm… HELLO? WHERE ARE THE
FREAKING PEEPS?!?
Now it’s not that I dislike Jesus or anything, but did Lincoln get a
holiday for getting capped in the noggin? NO, HE DID NOT. That’s why
Jesus should back the eff off from Christmas and Easter, and be happy
with ONE holiday—maybe around August 10, when nothing interesting
is going on. And when we’re celebrating National Jesus Day, maybe we
can focus on something OTHER than him being born or suffering a grisly
death? THANK YOU.
Here’s some stuff coming on TV this week.
• Parks and Recreation (NBC, Thurs April 9, 8:30
pm). Ooh-wee, I love me some Amy Poehler (SNL), so I’m gonna
love me the crap out of this new mockumentary series from the makers of
The Office about a midlevel bureaucrat in a small town’s Parks
and Rec department—who, by the way, would also like to be
president of the United States. YES, SHE CAN!
• Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire (COM, Thurs April 9, 10 pm). Okay, now THAT is a good title for a TV
show. This parody of all those terrible sci-fi fantasy shows (think
Beastmaster) is about an insecure hero who battles an evil
wizard with his magical sword that bursts into flames. (Jesus could’ve
used one of those.)
• Southland (NBC, Thurs April 9, 10 pm). This
“sensitive” cop show stars the gorgeous Ben McKenzie (Ryan from The
O.C.! EEEEEEEEEE!!!) as a rookie officer who learns how to navigate
the crime-ridden streets of L.A. while staying completely dreamy!
(Sorry, Jesus… but August 10 is now Ben McKenzie Day!) 
Krod Mandoon sucked. It felt like a bunch of fratboys mid circle-jerk paused for a moment and said: “Hey, know what would be funny? A tv show about a Xena dude who has a small dick but a hot girlfriend! …Yeah, and a band of weird mages n stuff…and one could be like Dave Chappelle in a turban, and one could be like a giant ogre who can’t shoot straight, don’t forget about stereotypical flaming gay guy! -oh and there could be a really hot chick who screws a lot of guys!!!” …See: frat boy fantasy AND frat boy comedy. Well done Comedy Central. We get the joke, unfortunately you already have a little show called South park which caters to this audience, and does a hell of a better job at it. Too bad, though. it coulda been pretty damn funny in different hands.
You forgot the best part: Jesus rose from the dead in three days. Let’s see that fucking white rabbit with pink eyes pull that out of its ass.
what the hell is with you and monkeys last week??? i like monkeys,they’re our evolved relitaves{darwin”s thery},they are natural animals,oh,and they kick space butt{planet of the apes,dragonball,2001:a space odssey,etc}so next time before you go APE,think ok!!!
So a guy who is half god can raise himself from the dead? Big whoop! Like that proves anything other than that gods can do anything they damn well want.
You huntin’ for a real miracle? How about whatever those apostles got high on at Pentacost that grew them some balls? Fundies should legalize drugs and make Pentacost the high holy day.