I Love Television

I’ve decided I’m against freedom of speech. Or rather, I’m for
certain freedom of speeches—as long as they don’t make me
depressed and want to kill myself. TV shows with laugh tracks, for
example. THEY DRIVE ME APE-POOP! I’m like, “What are you people
laughing about?!? It’s Jim Belushi, for chrissake!” And everybody on
NPR should be banned as well. What they’re saying is fine—but
those monotone voices make me want to stab the ears off my
head.

OH! And here’s another example of free speech I hate: TV shows that
feature really mean parents. Ever see those parenting shows like
Nanny 911 or Wife Swap where the kids are holy terrors
and the parents learn to stop being so passive and enforce a more
structured, rule-oriented environment? I FREAKING HATE THAT!! The
parents become smug control freaks while their previously interesting
kids turn into smiling nonargumentative drones who’ll eventually
be the perfect Wal-Mart employees.

Oh, and here’s another reality show debuting this week that’s
a prime candidate for exclusion from the free-speech rule: World’s
Strictest Parents (CMT, Sat April 18, 9 pm). From the press
release: “Two unruly teens from a different family are forced to adapt
to the rules and regulations of very strict host parents.” UGH! Shows
like this are like porn for insecure moms and pops. Hey, if they
like this, then they’re going to LOVE my new idea for a reality
parenting show: Uganda Child Soldier Boot Camp!

Look, parents! You don’t need these idiotic shows to teach you how
to raise children. The secret to successful child rearing is to get
in their freaking heads, man! The brain of a child is somewhat
similar to that of a salamander. Example? Between the ages of 3 and
10, kids only have three prime directives, which they are hardwired to
accomplish: (1) Get candy. (2) Avoid going to sleep. (3) Abuse the
opposite sex. Later when they reach the ages of 11 to 25, these
directives change somewhat: (1) Get drugs. (2) Always sleep. (3) Have
sex when not sleeping.

So how do you get a kid to do what you want? Stand in the way of a
directive! With prepubescents you might say, “Marcie, stop kicking me
with those pointy Cinderella shoes, or I’m dumping your Pixy Stix
down the toilet.” AND THEN YOU DO IT. The same thing works for
teens: “Johnny, please pull your penis out of the neighbor’s vagina, or
I will be forced to confiscate your jazz cigarettes and smoke
them myself.” THEN YOU DO IT.

My parents used a mixed approach. My dad would steal my jazz
cigarettes, smoke them, and then send me back onto the street to buy
more. Then he would have sex with my girlfriend! Afterward he would
snort my Pixy Stix (I think it was Pixy Stix) and sleep
for three days. HEY! His method of parenting may have been
unconventional, but it worked! Now I never sleep, I haven’t had sex
since the Clinton administration, and no one will sell me marijuana
because I call it “jazz cigarettes.” Thanks, Dad!

THURSDAY, APRIL 16

8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION

Leslie invites a reporter to write a story about her new parks
project… and surprise! It isn’t what she expected!

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

Michael is rightly stunned when Dwight declares the new boss his
idol.

FRIDAY, APRIL 17

9:00 FOX PRISON BREAK

Season premiere! Look. Who’s really being punished here? Let these
guys out or cancel them!!

9:00 ABC SUPERNANNY

Parents are terrorized by two kids who are aptly named “the devil
children.” Maybe they shouldn’t have sold their souls?

SATURDAY, APRIL 18

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

It’s “The Best of Amy Poehler”—a tip o’ the hat to the
hilarioso star of Parks and Recreation!

SUNDAY, APRIL 19

8:30 FOX SIT DOWN, SHUT UP

Debut! A new animated show about really crappy teachers voiced by
Jason Bateman, Will Arnett, and more!

10:00 USA IN PLAIN SIGHT

Season premiere! It’s the return of this snappy U.S. marshal show
starring the sexy, sexy Mary McCormack.

MONDAY, APRIL 20

8:00 NBC CHUCK

Chuck and Sarah go AWOL to rescue his father… aaaaand they may as
well have sex, too, right?

10:00 MTV THE HILLS

Heidi continues to show something akin to “emotion” after catching
Spencer flirting with a bar skank.

TUESDAY, APRIL 21

10:00 MTV THE PHONE

Debut! Produced by Justin Timberlake (EEEEE!), contestants run
around performing Bourne Identity–style challenges.

10:00 FX RESCUE ME

Franco is convinced that 9/11 was “an inside job” while Tommy tries
to convince him he’s freaking nuts.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22

9:00 ABC LOST

Another clip show that hopefully explains what the hell is going on
here.

10:00 ABC THE UNUSUALS

The detectives investigate a store that specializes in murder
weapons and body-disposal services. WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?!?

Where your freedom of speech is never abridged.