Right you are, Tiffani! I would make an awesome network
executive. (And while I already have a personal assistant taking care
of my filthy needs, I get bored easily and will keep your
résumé on file.) The problem with most net execs is
they’re TOO SOFT. Like old people, TV shows want to be treated
“respectfully” and given the opportunity to “die with dignity.” Well
SCREW YOU, TV shows! In case you didn’t know, it’s “upfront
season”—that time of year when shows get picked up, renewed, or
canceled—and if I were an executive, I’d be flushing a ton of
shows right down the poop can!
For example? I’d keep NBC’s The Office and 30
Rock—but as for Law & Order? POOP-CAN IT!! That
show reminds me of my Great-Aunt Beatrice, who keeps repeating the same
boring stories, while occasionally disappearing for three days at a
time, only to be found wandering nude through a McDonald’s
drive-through. Another NBC show that needs to go is Parks and
Recreation. I’m sorry, but I tried it—and if The
Office is like Froot Loops, Parks and Recreation is Fruity
Hoops. POOP-CAN IT!!
As for ABC, I’m happy to keep watching Lost and The
Unusuals for another season or two, but I have three words for
Desperate Housewives, Grey’s Anatomy, and Ugly
Betty: POOP… CAN… IT!! These shows are a triple threat of
TERRIBLE and the festering mouth-sores of network television.
And don’t even get me started on CBS! There’s not a single show I’d
save. I hate Cold Case, I hate Without a Trace, I hate
The Mentalist, I hate Two and a Half Men, I hate all the
CSIs, I hate Ghost Whisperer, I really fawking hate
Numb3rs, and yes, I also hate How I Met Your Mother. In
fact, the only show I would even consider saving is Friday Night
Lights. Huh? That’s on NBC? Oh. THEN POOP-CAN IT!!
And if someone asks me, “Should Fox poop-can Dollhouse?” My
answer is “YES!” However! The best part of that show is when all the
“dolls” take coed showers together. So what they need to do is figure
out a way to solve all the mysteries while keeping these sexy people
nude, soapy, and in the shower. Or just get rid of the mysteries
all together, and change the name to “Sexy Nude Community Coed
Showers.” Otherwise? SHOOT IT DOWN THE POOP CAN!
Naturally, the CW network is perfect in every way, with such awesome
unfawkwithable shows as Gossip Girl, 90210,
Supernatural, and Smallville—and is therefore
exempt from any poop-canning.
IN CONCLUSION! If I were a network executive? You would only have
eight shows to choose from. And without enough advertising revenue
to support the television industry, it would quickly collapse. People
would then be forced to read books, and—THAT WAS YOUR PLAN ALL
ALONG, WASN’T IT?!? 
Dollhouse is sad, dark, twisted, and totally fucked up. I love it. I demand that you watch every episode fourty times until your mind is erased and replaced with a sous chef cheerleader ninja assassin that likes Dollhouse. It’s subversive!
How I met your mother is not poop-cannable. It’s to dang good.
you’re a poop for deucing on HIMYM
bad call, dude
I go out of my way to make time to watch Grey’s Anatomy – it’s much better this season. On Sunday night, NO ONE better bother me when Desperate Housewives is on! I don’t believe I even know what channel the CW is on, so you fans are welcome to it, but GA and DH are in no danger of cancellation ’cause of boring old drones like me. I would like to add to the list of Things To Be Cancelled – Private Practice. What a loathesome, steaming heap this show is. Somebody – cancel it NOW!
The only reason crappy shows stay on the air is because it’s cheaper to keep an old show on the air then try to establish a new one.
It’s always about the money. Always.
Damn, Lindsay, you sure are brilliant cutting through our naivete there. Don’t know what we would’ve done without your insight!
Not sure my comment posted earlier. It was wittier than this, but the gist was Lindsay is a pretentious condescending douche.