I Love Television

Naturally, I am concerned for your mental health. Let’s say, for
example, you were to suddenly go all “Grey Gardens” on me,
spending your days in a filthy, dilapidated, urine-soaked mansion that
you share with your equally insane daughter and 273 cats/raccoons.
Needless to say, this turn of events would not reflect well on me! My
bosses might say, “I’m sorry, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me, but our recent
customer survey shows that the majority of your readership eats wet
cat food for dinner and rather enjoys sitting in diapers filled
with excrement for extended amounts of time. You’re fired.” Look… I
like you—but I have a cocaine and Burger King “Angry Whopper”
habit to support. And just because YOU’RE nuts, there’s no freaking way
I’m gonna get dragged down with you!

I will admit that I’m no expert when it comes to the field of mental
health. That being said, I’m pretty sure you’re a schizophrenic.
And bipolar. And probably a psychopath. How do I know this? Well, even
though I’m not a licensed psychiatrianalyst, I can still
read—and your e-mails to me would make Sigmund Freud poop
a cigar. Check this one out: “Dear Humpy: I love you sooooo much that I
want to slash open your stomach and kiss your pancreas.” Say
WHAAAAA? Or how about this one? “MAY THE HOLY BLOOD OF CHRIST FILL YOUR
LUNGS AND BURN YOUR LIPS LIKE THE BITTER SEED OF SATAN!!!” (I’m pretty
sure that last one was sent from my mom’s Gmail account.)

In short, you’re bonkers. And since you’re too proud, poor, or
disinterested to seek the therapy you so desperately need, I feel it’s
my duty to point you in the direction of two helpful TV shows about
mental illness that are debuting this week—which I would
recommend you watch before you slit open my tummy and lick my
pancreas. You’re welcome?

• Obsessed (A&E, Mon May 25, 10 pm). This new
show is from the same people who produce the wildly depressing
Intervention (or as it’s also known, The Wm.™ Steven
Hump-Me Story). Obsessed explores the lives and treatment of
real people with debilitating obsessive disorders—which
includes OCD, panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, or any number of
phobias. So for example, an entire episode might be devoted to how
obsessed you are with me or my ex-wife’s totally irrational phobia of
my penis.

• Mental (FOX, Tues May 26, 9 pm). Wanna know
what’s wrong with the mental-health industry? OH! I’ll tell you
what’s wrong with the mental-health industry! We don’t have enough
sexy psychiatrists who use new and often-bizarre methods to
treat their patients—and the ones we do have are all on
TV. In Mental, Dr. Jack Gallagher is the new director of
mental-health services at an L.A. hospital who (a) uses radical
techniques to get inside the heads of his patients, (b) argues
constantly with his staff over what he considers old-fashioned and
cruel treatment, and (c) has a wicked-hot upper torso that he
flaunts on a regular basis. Rrrowrr-rrrrrrowrr! Consider my
heterosexuality “cured”!

Now leave my pancreas alone, please.

THURSDAY, MAY 21

8:00 ABC UGLY BETTY

Season finale! Tonight’s guest stars are Billie Jean King, Elisabeth
Hasselbeck, and Rachel Maddow. WOW.

8:00 FOX SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE

Season premiere! It’s the American Idol of jiggling floozies and men
with physical Tourette’s.

11:00 VH1 FREE RADIO

Season finale! Lance thinks the charity boxing event is all fun and
games—until he insults Sugar Ray Leonard.

FRIDAY, MAY 22

8:30 TOON BATMAN: THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD

Batman reteams with an older Robin who now thinks his former mentor
is from straight-up “Squaresville, daddy-o!”

SATURDAY, MAY 23

9:00 ANI GROOMER HAS IT

The groomers are challenged to give makeovers to pot-bellied pigs.
(The winner doesn’t get swine flu.)

SUNDAY, MAY 24

9:00 ABC DIAMONDS

A two-part sprawling TV movie that’s like Traffic, except with
diamond mining.

9:00 SHO THE TUDORS

Season finale! Henry up and decides his latest fling, Anne of
Cleves, is too unattractive to keep her head.

MONDAY, MAY 25

9:00 TLC JON & KATE PLUS 8

Season premiere! The couple discusses Jon’s recent infidelity, and
Kate finds new ways to nag him.

10:00 A&E OBSESSED

Debut! Tonight: obsessive-compulsive disorders. (Is this why you’re
trying to touch my booty all the time?)

TUESDAY, MAY 26

8:00 CW REAPER

Series finale! Sam tries to win back his soul from the devil by
challenging him to a game of lawn darts.

9:00 CW HITCHED OR DITCHED

Debut! Longtime couples have a week to get married or break up. (Is
this why Christians are working so hard to protect straight
marriage?)

WEDNESDAY, MAY 27

8:00 ABC WIPEOUT

Season premiere! Yay! Another season of ass-busting,
spinal-cord-severing fun!

9:00 ABC THE GOODE FAMILY

Debut! A new cartoon about an overly politically correct family.
Yeah, people who are trying to save the earth are so stupid!

Had your Xanax refilled lately?