Fine, I’ll admit it! When I saw the movie trailer for The Twilight Saga: New Moon, my testicles shot up into my chest and
I squealed like a hormonal tween after seeing a Jonas Brother
nipple. Agreed, the Twilight series of books (and the feature film) is
horrifyingly subpar—and yet? It gives me anus tingles. I can’t
help myself!
As you have already heard from that nerdy Mormon kid down the block,
Twilight is about a drippy high-school girl who falls in love
with a dreamy vampire. And as you know, I am hopelessly smitten by teen
romantic dramas (like The O.C., Smallville, Gossip
Girl, etc.)—but when you throw a freaking VAMPIRE into the
mix? Ka-BOINNNG! I feel like I’m in one of those Sailor Moon cartoons, where I helicopter into the sky and sparkly confetti
squirts out of my eyes.
HOWEVER! I must admit I’m getting a leeeeetle bit sick of the way
novelists, screenwriters, and TV-show creators keep screwing around
with the vampire mythos. Rules are rules, people! And when you start
messing around with the way monsters have behaved for centuries,
it becomes a very slippery slope—and before you know it? Mummies
won’t be “shambling” anymore… they’ll be sprinting!
Example: True Blood (which begins its second season this
Sunday at 9:00 p.m. on HBO) features “reformed” vampires living among
humans in a small Louisiana town, subsisting on a synthetic blood
substitute named “Tru Blood.” (Coincidentally, I subsist on a
synthetic water substitute named “Colt 45 Malt Liquor.”) And
while some of these vamps aren’t as reformed as they’d like us to
believe (i.e., sucking the blood of virgins and babies), this show
features one of the most annoying violations of the monster code: the
vampire boyfriend.
I mean, WHAT THE EFF?? Dracula was never anybody’s “boyfriend,” and
Nosferatu was too damn ugly for even Paris Hilton to date. To
the best of my recollection, this vampire-boyfriend nonsense started
with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when Buffy romantically boned not
one vampire, but TWO (Angel and the admittedly sexy Spike). C’MON,
PEOPLE! Vampires aren’t sensitive! Vampires don’t fall in love! They hypnotize the shit out of you and suck you drier than that empty
bottle of Colt 45 lying at my feet!
And don’t even get me started on this Twilight bullpoop! Too
late—I’ve already started! So this book/flick is all about
this super-hot/mopey vampire dude named Edward Cullen who falls in love
with a socially retarded/hot high-school chick, right? But get this!
Not only does he break the “no vampire boyfriend” clause, but he’s also
immune to garlic, has a reflection(!), and can WALK AROUND IN
SUNLIGHT. Whoopty-whoop playa, whaaaaaa???
But wait! It gets even more friggin’ ridiculous! Instead of the
sunlight making his flesh melt off his body and maggots crawl out of
his eyeholes (like normal vampires), it actually makes Edward’s skin
“sparkle like diamonds.” OH, PUH-LEEEZE!
That being said, I absolutely adore Edward Cullen, and I
would like very much for him to be my vampire boyfriend. Look, Mom! I
don’t care if he breaks a couple rules! (He makes my anus
tingle. Sniff.) 
i agree with the rule breaking. that’s my #1 problem with twilight. buffy i let it slide because they retained most powers and weaknesses and the magic bullshit or whatever, but twilight…i heard an interview with that author woman and she said “i really didn’t know much about vampires, but the characters i created basically fit in with vampires so i used that” and i got furiously angry.
stupid mormon
you’re totally right about true blood. if the show follows the books you will see that you are correct. even in the slightly off kilter world of true blood….don’t even get me started on the fake and terrible “louisiana” accents
while I realize that True Blood and Twilight are both vampire shows and must ALWAYS inevitably be compared in EVERY FREAKIN REVIEW, the quality of twilight is SO SO SO SO SOOOOOO MUCH LOWER than TB! Twilight is just “abstinence porn”, which is the worst and obviously most boring kind, while TB (just as infectious as tuberculosis…) teases you and then actually delivers with steamy sex scenes. Twilight is SO FULL OF CHEESE, not to mention HORRIBLE acting/plot/dialogue.
Also, vampires being boyfriends are more interesting than vampires being simply bloodsuckers. True Blood mixes bloodsucking with love, which is at least a somewhat original idea.
while I realize that True Blood and Twilight are both vampire shows and must ALWAYS inevitably be compared in EVERY FREAKIN REVIEW, the quality of twilight is SO SO SO SO SOOOOOO MUCH LOWER than TB! Twilight is just “abstinence porn”, which is the worst and obviously most boring kind, while TB (just as infectious as tuberculosis…) teases you and then actually delivers with steamy sex scenes. Twilight is SO FULL OF CHEESE, not to mention HORRIBLE acting/plot/dialogue.
Also, vampires being boyfriends are more interesting than vampires being simply bloodsuckers. True Blood mixes bloodsucking with love, which is at least a somewhat original idea.
oh, and Stephen Moyer (vampire BILLLL) is SO MUCH HOTTER than that premature Cullen scum. Have you SEEN him in Harry Potter? Nobody thought he was hot THEN. HE IS SO GROSS, ew.