Hello! Welcome once again to I Love
Television™ and the SECOND in a continuing series entitled “Your
Occult Boyfriend and You.” Last week, we covered the subject of
“vampire boyfriends” and how the entire concept is largely bullshit. To
quickly reiterate, vampires have no goddamn business being anyone’s
boyfriend (especially mopey/sexy high-school girls like the one in
Twilight). Vampires have one job, and one job only: hypnotize
you, suck the freaking blood out of your neck, and fly away after
turning into a rabies-infested bat. THE END. All this nonsense about
“falling in love” and “not sucking your blood as a metaphor for sexual
abstinence” is a pantsload of baloney and should not be tolerated by
any true member of the Vampire Union, Local 347.
That being said, I desperately want a vampire boyfriend, and barring
that, a wizard boyfriend would suffice in the interim. According to my
limited research, wizard boyfriends reside in the upper echelon of
occult gentlemen callers. As opposed to the Frankenstein-monster
boyfriends (who tend toward clumsiness and being afraid of fire),
wizard boyfriends have magical powers that can be used to procure me
tons of presents. A new motorcycle? POOF! My wizard boyfriend can do
that. A larger penis and new jeans that can comfortably accommodate my
larger penis? POOF! My wizard boyfriend can do that, too.
The obvious downsides of wizard boyfriends are their abysmal fashion
sense (a star-covered muumuu and a pointy hat? PUH-LEEZE!) and the age
difference, which can be up to 3,000 years. Therefore, the secret to
finding the perfect wizard boyfriend is to snag ’em when they’re
young—like, right out of Hogwarts. That’s when you can
withhold large-penis privileges if they choose to wear a starry
muumuu.
Personally, I’m not interested in courting Harry Potter, his fat
friend Weasley, or any of those snotty overprivileged Hogwarts brats.
That’s because I’ve decided to kick it old-school with the OG Mr.
Wizard himself, MERLIN! “Whoa, whoa! Hold up there, Wm.™ Steven
Humpy,” I hear you cry. “Merlin is old and ugly, and he has a freaky
beard just like that guy who’s currently digging for cans in my
apartment building’s garbage!” Au contraire, mon derrie-aire! You’re thinking of GERIATRIC Merlin, and I’m talking about the young,
virile, and HOT Merlin who’s starring in this week’s debut of the new
NBC show Merlin (Sun June 21, NBC, 8 pm).
In this update of the legendary story, a teenage Merlin comes to
Camelot, immediately pisses off reigning King Pendragon (played by
Anthony Head/Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer! EEEEEE!),
makes friends with an equally hot but douchebaggy Prince Arthur,
and refines his magical, penis-enlarging powers. It’s kind of like
The O.C. except with sword fighting, British accents, and
tunics. HOWEVER! There are absolutely no boner-killing muumuus or hobo
beards.
In conclusion! While wizard boyfriends certainly have their
drawbacks (including the desire to attend those nerdtarded
“Renaissance faires”), at least they don’t mope around like vampire
boyfriends or grunt a lot like those clumsy, monosyllabic
Frankenstein-monster boyfriends. So there’s that. NEXT WEEK: werewolf
boyfriends. Can they be coerced into getting a bikini wax? 
Great article! I recced it on afterelton.
I guess NBC decided to drop the two-hunk show, “Crusoe” for one that could offer a larger number of bromance and het romance opportunities, eh? Unfortunately, the shirtless sword fights and ragged leather costuming possibilities in the former were much better than the phallic fantasy fulfillment of jousting or magician’s wanding in this new offering. [SIGH!]
I guess NBC decided to drop the two-hunk show, “Crusoe” for one that could offer a larger number of bromance and het romance opportunities, eh? Unfortunately, the shirtless sword fights and ragged leather costuming possibilities in the former were much better than the phallic fantasy fulfillment of jousting or magician’s wanding in this new offering. [SIGH!]
Merlin’s already gone a full season (13 eps) on BBC-1, so it showing up on NBC is hardly a debut unless you’re only paying attention to A-MER-CAN TEE-VEE, which would be a shame since most shows are better before they hit our side of the pond (see: The Office). The first season of Merlin is available for download at all the usual places and Netflix has the DVDs; I’m up to episode 6 and while the premise of the show is fairly entertaining, some of the plot lines and the special effects leave quite a bit to be desired. I’d say it’s more like Smallville than the O.C., but hopefully it doesn’t stray down the same tired “teenage drama with a twist” path that Smallville did and instead stays focused on the magic stuff.