I know a thing or two about television—and if you doubt that statement, maybe you should look down and see if you’re currently writing a television column. Oh, you’re not? THEN CLOSE YOUR CORN HOLE. Anyway. Since I know a thing or two about television, you should trust me implicitly when I say that my choice for the “Best Television Moment EVARRRRR!” is the absolute BEST choice EVARRRRR!
True, you may have your own choice for the “Best Television Moment EVARRRRR!” and that might be the Beatles on The Ed Sullivan Show (PUH-LEEZE. Did they even have television back then?), Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” at the Super Bowl (umm… who cares… ever heard of internet porn?), or that limey advertising exec on Mad Men who got his foot lopped off by a lawn mower (actually, that was pretty good!)—but you’d still… be… wrong! The absolute BEST “Best Television Moment EVARRRRR!” is… (Drumroll, crash!) Okay, I probably shouldn’t tell you.
Hey, don’t get furious with me! It’s YOUR fault I can’t tell you! If you would watch my favorite TV series in a timely fashion, and stop squealing “No spoilers! No spoilers!” every time I walked into a room, maybe I wouldn’t have to be so goddamn coy! HOWEVER! I can tell you this: The “Best Television Moment EVARRRRR!” was featured on one of the best television shows EVARRRRR, Breaking Bad—and it involved a tortoise, a decapitated head, and an explosion. AND THAT’S ALL I’M GONNA SAY!
Fans of Breaking Bad—which starts the second half of its fifth and final season this Sunday on AMC at 10 p.m.—who have actually watched the series in a timely manner will know exactly what I’m talking about. They’ll also knowingly nod their heads because they know—and I know—that I’m absolutely correct in calling that particular scene the “Best Television Moment EVARRRRR!”
For those who have never seen the show—well, I don’t know what to say. I suppose you’re an idiot, because Breaking Bad is a fantastic series that just so happened to include the “Best Television Moment EVARRRRR!” But if you’re curious, Breaking Bad tells the story of a high-school chemistry teacher who catches cancer and starts producing meth to support his family. BUT! It is sooooo much more. It’s also a story of power and greed, and how money can take someone with the best of intentions and send them on a downward spiral into the lakes of hell. Plus it’s funny! And sad. And serious! And sometimes? Absolutely terrifying. And when this—its final season—comes to a close, I can guarantee you it will be remembered as one of the most important and noteworthy television series of all time. Plus, it also contains the “Best Television Moment EVARRRRR!” So there’s that.
Sure, you can continue to argue with me that there are better shows in the world—but again, you would be WRONG. Did The Wire have a tortoise/decapitated head/explosion? NO. Did The Sopranos have a tortoise/decapitated head/explosion? Did The Golden Girls have a tortoise/decapitated head/explosion? NO. So stop arguing with me, quickly catch up on Breaking Bad, get your own TV column—AND CLOSE… YOUR… CORN HOLE. 
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 7
10:00 FX THE BRIDGE
Linder gets a creepy visitor, who is probably super-creepy, because Linder is already… umm… creepy.
10:00 DSC GREAT WHITE SERIAL KILLER
Shark Week continues with this doc about the ass-eating habits of the Great White.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 8
9:00 SYFY INVASION ROSWELL—Movie
(2013) Old people trained to fight aliens back in the 1940s are called in to fight hostile aliens now. May God help us all.
10:00 DSC ALIEN MONSTER SHARKS
Look. The old people are tired after fighting all those aliens! Give them a rest!
FRIDAY, AUGUST 9
11:30 am MTV THE HILLS
A never-before-seen alternate ending. Wait… are they saying the first version wasn’t real?
SATURDAY, AUGUST 10
9:00 HBO CLEAR HISTORY—Movie
(2013) Larry David stars as an exec who quits his job and tries (unsuccessfully) to reinvent his life.
9:00 AMC HELL ON WHEELS
Season premiere! Cullen and Elam travel to New York to secure their shitty jobs on the railroad.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 11
9:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
Season premiere! Walt and Jesse try to stay out of the meth business… but it keeps pulling them back in!
10:00 AMC LOW WINTER SUN
Debut! A good cop gets lured into a murder, and is no longer so good! (This show looks awesome. Check it out.)
MONDAY, AUGUST 12
8:00 NBC AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR
Thirty contestants compete on the most insidious obstacle course known to humankind!
TUESDAY, AUGUST 13
10:00 COM DRUNK HISTORY
A reenactment depicting why Arthur Conan Doyle and Harry Houdini HATED each other. (Maybe liquor was involved.)
10:30 SYFY HEROES OF COSPLAY
Debut! A new reality series about people who dress up like aliens and cats. I have nothing else to say about that!
Does Twitter have a tortoise/decapitated head/explosion? NO. @WmSteveHumphrey