Six reasons I choose not to have friends.
Reason 1: WHO FREAKIN’ NEEDS THEM? I was watching a rerun of
Friends the other day and was like, “Omigod, what a bunch of
walking anal cavities!” Seriously, why would these people choose to
hang out with—or worse still—live with each other? They
have absolutely NOTHING in common, other than the fact they’re all
stereotypes. I hate Joey, I hate Phoebe, I hate Jennifer Aniston, I
hate the guy with the monkey, I hate his bitchy sister, and I would
hate Chandler, too, but I’m pretty sure he’d hate me first. So that’s
one reason I don’t have real-life friends—because TV’s
Friends is a direct representation of the whole of humanity.
Except for maybe vampires.
Reason 2: FRIENDS HURT YOUR FEELINGS! When I was in the fifth
grade, Greg Horton was my best friend. We would share Hot Wheels, juice
boxes, our adoration for Shirley Roundtree, and—much
later—the sexually transmitted diseases Shirley Roundtree shared
with our 10th-grade class. However! One day something happened that
shattered my perfect relationship with Greg Horton. Something that can
never be forgotten or forgiven. He came to school with a fucking
ridiculous haircut, and I said, “What did you do? Fall asleep under the
lawnmower?” He never spoke to me again. That’s why I don’t want
friends, because they might say something like that to me.
Reason 3: TECHNOLOGY TRUMPS FRIENDSHIP. Thanks to modern
technology, “friendship” is unnecessary and old timey! I can collect
“friends” on Facebook, brag to these “friends” about my exploits on
MySpace, and be bored to death by my “friends'” activities on Twitter.
AND I NEVER HAVE TO ACTUALLY INTERACT WITH ANY OF THEM! It’s like
having imaginary friends, without the inconvenience of being confined
to a mental facility.
Reason 4: FRIENDS RARELY ACT LIKE THEY DO ON ENTOURAGE. (By the way, Entourage returns
with a brand-new season this Sunday on HBO at 10:00 p.m., if you care.
I don’t.) You know, I tried putting together an entourage once.
Disaster. I won’t go into detail, but let’s just say if you’re
looking for an entourage, try something other than the “Casual
Encounters” section on Craigslist.
Reason 5: I’M KIND OF A DICK. For reasons I can’t quite
explain, people are wary of striking up friendships with someone who
classifies himself as “kind of a dick.” I tend to be festive—but
cruel. Girlfriends and boyfriends are unsafe in my presence.
While I enjoy borrowing money, returning it isn’t a priority. However,
there are those who can make this “kind of a dick” thing work. For
example, check out the debut of a new laff-fest on Comedy Central
entitled Michael & Michael Have Issues (Wed July 15, 10:30
pm). It’s a sketch-comedy show starring the legitimately hilarious
Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter, who are two friends who star
in a sketch-comedy show. Aaaand they’re both kind of dicks. I suppose I
could try to be their friend… but I kind of hate people who are
dicks.
And finally, reason 6: FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS DRIVE DRUNK. A great reason not to have friends. 
This is hilarious.
This is hilarious.
What a truly funny diatribe!
are michael ian black and michael showalter the same two guys who were on that other comedy central sitcom with the other guy? i don’t remember the name of it, but i remember there was an episode wherein janeane garofalo stole a horrible novel idea thinking that it’d sell, for some inexplicable reason, despite it being about a bologna sandwich. nonetheless, this is funny shit.
I seriously just fell in love with you all over again. Not that I ever fell out of love, but you know. You’re funnier some days than others. THIS WAS GREAT.