I Love Television

Wanna know a great way to keep cyberhackers out of your bank
account? Maintain a “zero” balance, like I do! The hackers will take
one peep inside, be reminded of a dusty, cobwebbed cave (or perhaps
Tyra Banks’s vagina), and flee for their lives! However, there is a
significant downside to maintaining an empty bank account, which is the
“no eating or buying anything and being forced to sleep on a filthy
urine-soaked mattress underneath a bridge” thing.

That’s why I’ve decided to say, “Cyberhackers be damned! I’m gonna
make me some money!”

Since I’ve been deemed too mentally unfit to work for any company
other than this newspaper, I’ve decided to follow in the footsteps of
other washed-up one-trick ponies who need moola and write an
autobiography! Hey, it worked for David Hasselhoff, Tori Spelling, and
Barack Obama—and it’ll work for me! Besides, I already have the
perfect title: A Prostate Full of Dynamite: The Wm.™ Steven
Humphrey Story.

Wait. On second thought, writing an autobiography is gonna take
WAAAY too much time, and the urine-soaked fabric on my mattress is
beginning to seep into my pants. So change of plan: Now I’m going to
follow in the footsteps of washed-up one-trick ponies who feel someone
else’s urine soaking through their clothes and write a children’s
book!

Seriously, it can’t be that difficult, right? Because (a) kids
LOVE me—even though their parents might have restraining
orders that allege otherwise—and (b) if the success of Harry
Potter author J. K. Rowling is any indication, a monkey tripping on
cough syrup should be able to do it.

Need proof? Check out this week’s special ABC News report entitled
J. K. Rowling: A Year in the Life (ABC, Thurs July 16, 8 pm), in
which a documentary crew follows the author around for an entire year
as she writes Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I suspect it
will go something like this: On day one, J. K. Rowling writes Harry
Potter and the Deathly Hallows. On day two, she gets paid. For the
363 remaining days, J. K. Rowling reads magazines, eats Choco
Tacos, learns to balance a spoon on her nose, and spends her
millions on fur-lined swimming pools, gold-plated cocaine, and the most
technologically advanced and erotically perverse sex-bots.

So frankly all that’s left for me is to revert my brain back to its
most childish state (not a lengthy trip, I admit), write a 30- to
150-page kids’ book about magic, wizards, and fairyland shit,
and then start raking in the dough! And why, yes… I do already
have a title in mind (thankyouverymuch), and the book will be called
Lil’ Wm.™ Steven Humphrey and the Prostate of the Unicorn.
The story in a nutshell: An evil wizard has stolen the world’s most
prized possession—a golden prostate buried deep in the anus of a
magical unicorn. Therefore it is up to the most awesome boy
magician/inventor/skateboarder in the kingdom to horribly mutilate the
wizard, secure the return of the golden prostate, and push it
back into the unicorn’s anus using his “magic wand.”

Hmm. Okay, this might take more than a day.