Okay, something happened on TV a couple weeks ago that I need to talk about. On NBC’s Hannibal (NBC, Fridays, 10 pm)—the series based on The Silence of the Lambs‘ resident crazy-pants, Hannibal Lecter—the FBI agents discovered a strangled, dead body… inside the womb of a horse. WHAAAAAAT THAAAAAA FAAAAAAACKKK??
Who thinks of something like that? And what was the writers’ meeting like? “Guys! We’re sick of finding dead bodies out in the forest with antlers glued to their heads. We need something new. So! Brainstorm! What’cha got?” “Well… the FBI could find a dead body in a whale or something.” “That… is a TERRIBLE idea. This isn’t Pinocchio, asshole! It’s HANNIBAL! Gimme another idea. Anybody!” “Ummm… okay… well, what if the FBI were to find a dead body… inside the womb of a deceased horse. And when they cut the horse open, the body tumbles out with the rest of the animal’s internal organs.”
(Pause.) “WHAAAAAAT THAAAAAA FAAAAAAACKKK??”
I wouldn’t know whether to fire that guy, give him a raise, or apply for a restraining order! I swear to god, that scene was one of the most grotesque, weirdest things I’ve ever seen on TV… and that includes Everybody Loves Raymond!
I guess that’s why I love Hannibal so much… they are certainly not afraid to go “there,” and when they do? The cinematography is so gorgeous, it makes you cry tears of joy into your vomit. If you love horror, there’s currently no one on TV doing it better… but there might be in the very near future!
This week marks the debut of another gorgeously horrific show, Penny Dreadful (Showtime, Sun May 11, 10 pm), which is a horror/adventure series based in Victorian London that shares the same lurid tone as the penny dreadful books sold around the turn of the 19th century. Sir Malcolm Murray (Timothy Dalton) is a former African explorer on the hunt for whoever—or whatever—kidnapped his daughter. He’s joined by the mysterious Vanessa Ives (Eva Green)—a beautiful fortune-teller who just might possess strange powers over the undead. (She’s one of those “never-blinkers.” SO CREEPY!)
In the first episode, Sir Malcolm and Vanessa enlist the talents of a performing American sharpshooter, Ethan Chandler (Josh Hartnett), to join them on a tour of an opium den… which just so happens to double as a vampire nest! (AHHHHHHH!!) After barely escaping with his life, Chandler rightly responds to his employers’ neglect in mentioning this was a vampire’s den by saying, “WHAAAAAAT THAAAAAA FAAAAAAACKKK??” and vows never to join them again. But it’s obvious he’ll be back for another taste of danger… and perhaps the sexual charms of the mysterious Vanessa? Hmmmmm??
As the series moves forward, expect many of your fave Victorian horror characters to make an appearance—including Dorian Gray (as in “the picture of…”) and Victor Frankenstein (and his naked monster pal). As in Hannibal, Penny Dreadful reeks of gorgeous atmosphere, sex, and buckets of blood. And many are already predicting it will be the best series of 2014—though a dead body tumbling out of the stomach of a horse will be hard to beat. Again: “WHAAAAAAT THAAAAAA FAAAAAAACKKK??” 
WEDNESDAY, MAY 7
10:00 FX THE AMERICANS
Elizabeth makes a surprising discovery about her Rooskie handler, Kate. She likes (gasp!) Billy Joel!!
THURSDAY, MAY 8
9:00 NBC AMERICAN COMEDY AWARDS
Today’s top comedians receive their due, including Louis C.K., Amy Schumer, and Patton Oswalt.
10:00 IFC MARON
Season premiere! Marc’s visit to a Walking Dead chat show would be great… if he had ever seen the show.
FRIDAY, MAY 9
10:00 NBC HANNIBAL
Will’s coworkers grow concerned about his mental state. Guys! He saw a dead body… inside a horse!!
SATURDAY, MAY 10
9:00 BBCA ORPHAN BLACK
Sarah wants to know why the clone experiment started… umm… didn’t they just want “two” of everything?
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Tonight’s host: the talented and yummy Charlize Theron.
SUNDAY, MAY 11
9:00 NBC ROSEMARY’S BABY
Part 1 of 2! A remake of the classic Polanski horror flick about a young woman who makes a baby with… SATAAAAAN!
10:00 SHO PENNY DREADFUL
Debut! Victorian vampire hunters engage a rootin’ tootin’ cowboy in this fun and sexy horror series.
MONDAY, MAY 12
8:00 FOX 24: LIVE ANOTHER DAY
Kate continues her hunt for Jack, who continues his hunt for the terrorists, who continue their hunt for future dead people.
10:00 FX LOUIE
In two back-to-back episodes, Louie meets a new romantic interest and “helps” a neighbor.
TUESDAY, MAY 13
8:00 ABC AGENTS OF SHIELD
Season finale! Coulson and crew plan their attack on HYDRA. (And yes, this show is actually getting better.)
9:00 FOX RIOT
Debut! A new improv show where comedians compete on an impossibly slanted stage. Lawsuits, ahoy!
Each tweet is from the insides of a horse. @WmSteveHumphrey