Let’s face facts: being stranded on a deserted island eats ASS. Whether you arrived via an ill-timed plane crash, or were dropped off by a gang of sexually ambivalent pirates–sitting around on an island with no Tivo or Snickers Popables is a rotten way to live. Of course, there’s an upside to being a castaway–for example, no more episodes of According to Jim. And there’s always the chance of Smallville‘s Kristin Kreuk being stranded along with you, dressed only in a pubic-sized fig leaf and coconut brassiere.
However! If this season’s “stranded on a deserted island” TV shows are any indication, you’re much better off where you currently are (i.e. trapped in a loveless relationship, and slowly going blind from staring at a computer all day long). The two shows in question? The latest incarnation of the Survivor franchise, Survivor: Vanuatu–Islands of Fire (CBS, Thursdays, 8 pm), and the creepy remake of Gilligan’s Island from crackpot Alias producer J. J. Abrams, entitled Lost (ABC, Wednesdays, 8 pm).
As usual, Survivor: Vanuatu refuses to stray very far from the Survivor formula for success: a diverse cast of “real” people (two or three athletic hunks, two or three surgically enhanced gals, a cripple, a granny and grandpa, and the always hilarious hillbilly) dropped on a crappy beach in the middle of nowhere.
But here’s the bug that’s currently burrowing into my butt: As the name suggests, the island is covered with LIVE VOLCANOES. And yet not a single cast member has been engulfed by burning hot lava! I mean, WHAT THE FAWK?!? I’ve seen more volcanic action at my goddamn fifth grade science fair! I want some straight-up Pompeii shit to go down! I want to see virgin sacrifices being flung into the volcano’s bubbling crater! I want the winner to be the last person that isn’t turned into a charred corpse! Can I get a little “reality” here?
Far more successful is the new J. J. Abrams show, Lost, which may lack an impotent volcano, but does have the one thing that would make Survivor the most watched show ever: an ass-eating MONSTER. In this adventure drama, a gaggle of plane-crash victims (led by former Party of Five hottie Matthew Fox… sighhhh) are stranded on an unknown island with no chance of rescue in sight. Making things worse is an unseen monster that crashes around in the trees, skinning people alive, and screaming bloody murder. What does this monster look like? So far, nobody knows! Happily, however, J. J. Abrams swears it isn’t going to be a dumbass dinosaur.
My guess? I think it’s going to be the Abominable Snowman from the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer X-mas special. Oh, sure! Laugh if you want, but listen to the scream it makes! That’s the goddamn Abominable Snowman if I’ve ever heard him! And let’s face facts: there’s no way in hell a show like Lost can continue to be interesting week after week, unless the castaways make friends with the monster, and just like in Rudolph, sail away to the Island of Misfit Toys. Now, that would be a good show. (Plus, if you add a partially naked Kristin Kreuk, we’re talking Emmy, baby!)