I Love Television

Oh my god! Have you watched—or should I say
“endured”—the new Jay Leno Show yet? It’s amazingly
similar to his old late-night show in that it’s (a) bland, (b)
derivative, and (c) wildly unfunny. On the other hand, it’s also
different because it’s WORSE! It’s like Leno took all his funniest
ideas—which of course aren’t funny to anyone—and ran them
through a special “sad computer” that infuses each joke with the
essence of your grandmother breaking her hip or a kitten with leukemia.
Naturally, his debut episode sucked in (emphasis on sucked) a whopping
18 million viewers… 98.9 percent of whom now suffer
moderate-to-severe brain damage from either trying to wrap their
heads around Leno’s ass-smelling jokes or banging their heads in
frustration against countertops. (Statistics courtesy of the American
CAT Scan Association.)

However! Despite our wishes and all common sense, The Jay Leno
Show will almost certainly be a hit. Why? Two reasons: (1) People
who live in Middle America are staunch supporters of all that is
stupid in this country, thereby ruining everything for everyone,
and (2) M-O-N-E-Y, beeyotches! Even after doling out Leno’s ginormous
salary, it still costs NBC less to produce his unfunny fart-fest than a
really good scripted drama like Mad Men—which rarely, if
ever, bases its jokes around the subject of farts.

BUT DON’T PANIC, JAY LENO! Just because your show is about as funny
as an infected cold sore, there are craploads of new sitcoms debuting
this week that are—unbelievably—even WORSE. Such as…

• The Cleveland Show (Fox, Sun Sept 27, 8:30 pm).
What’s less funny than Family Guy? How about a spin-off of
Family Guy featuring the least funny secondary character on the show? Cleveland leaves Rhode Island to move to Virginia where he
marries his high-school sweetheart, and… and… Zzzzzz…
BANG! OWWW! I fell asleep on my gun! (And yet? A missing
testicle is funnier than this show.)

• Hank (ABC, Wed Sept 30, 8 pm). Hey! I know what
you need to lift your spirits in these tough economic times, when
unemployment is soaring through the roof and you’re probably reading
this while eating spoiled discarded bologna and sleeping on a
urine-stained mattress by the river. You need a laugh-track-laden
sitcom about a CEO who loses his fancy high-paying job and is
humiliatingly forced to move out of his mansion into a normal,
tastefully decorated three-bedroom house in the suburbs. Where he has
plenty to eat. Did I mention it stars Kelsey Grammer? I’m sure you’ll
laugh as soon as you swallow your spoiled bologna.

• The Middle (ABC, Wed Sept 30, 8:30 pm). From
the ABC press release: “Patricia Heaton is Frankie Heck, a loving wife
and mother of three, who’s middle class in the middle of
the country and is rapidly approaching middle age.” OH THAT’S
JUST GREAT! That’s exactly what Middle America needs: another heaping
helping of Jay Leno–style stupid, starring hard-line
Republican, anti-abortion nutbag Patricia Heaton. You know what
would make this show even funnier? A bunny with syphilis in its eye!
(Excuse me… why aren’t you laughing?)

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 17

8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION

Season premiere! Leslie causes controversy when she weds two gay penguins at the zoo.

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

Season premiere! The Dunder-Mifflin gang spreads malicious (read: hilarious) rumors about the summer interns.

10:00 FX IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

Season premiere! Frank, Mac, and Dennis make money the old-fashioned way—exploiting home foreclosures.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 18

10:00 E! TALK SOUP

Joel McHale humiliates a new crop of celebs, immediately followed by a repeat of his new show, Community!

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 19

11:00 FOX TALK SHOW WITH SPIKE FERESTEN

Check out this late-night gabfest whose desperation is occasionally hee-larious!

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 20

9:00 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM

Season premiere! Since Larry refuses to be happy for very long, he’s already reconsidering his relationship with Loretta.

10:00 AMC MAD MEN

A surprise visitor shows up at Sterling Cooper. (Is it Don’s dead brother? His dead father-in-law? It’s gotta be a dead somebody!)

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 21

8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS

Season premiere! This season, Cheryl is paired up with disgraced a-hole Republican Tom DeLay! POOR CHERYL! (Hee-hee-hee!)

8:00 NBC HEROES

Season premiere! Freshman Claire gets unwanted attention at college—and no, it’s not because of the “kegger incident.”

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22

10:00 ABC THE FORGOTTEN

Debut! Christian Slater sets himself up for failure again with this ridiculous-sounding show about amateur CSI-style sleuths.

10:00 CBS THE GOOD WIFE

Debut! Julianna Margulies (ER) sets herself up for failure again with this depressing show about a humiliated single lawyer.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23

8:00 NBC MERCY

Debut! A new hospital drama that focuses on nurses who CARE, damnit!! (They also have a lot of sex, too… because they CARE, damnit!!)

10:00 ABC EASTWICK

Debut! A remake of The Witches of Eastwick starring the surgically enhanced Rebecca Romijn.

Bzzzz… OWWW!!