There’s nothing good debuting on TV this week, which forces me to do
the unthinkable: write about Stargate. I KNOW, RIGHT? My
booty-tapping stats are diminishing by the second! Even worse, I know
absolutely NOTHING about the Stargate shows—primarily
because I have other interests, which include getting laid and NOT
getting beat up. Therefore I’ve decided to bring in an expert this
week: an actual bespectacled nerd and self-proclaimed Stargate fan (HA!!), who presumably is going to explain the difference between
the old Stargate series and the newest member of the
franchise debuting this week, Stargate Universe (SYFY, Fri
Oct 2, 9 pm). He’ll also explain why I shouldn’t stick his head in a
toilet. Enjoy!
HUMPY: Hello, Nerd.
NERD: I really wish you wouldn’t refer to me as “Nerd”—my
name is Brian, and…
HUMPY: So here’s my first question, Nerd. What the freak is a
“stargate,” and why am I so filled with anger whenever you
mention the word?
NERD: Hmm… okay… well, Stargate was originally a movie
starring Kurt Russell…
HUMPY: WOOOOOOOO!!
NERD: I’m sorry?
HUMPY: Kurt Russell, man!! WOOOOO!!
NERD: Yes… well… he is quite an accomplished actor.
Anyway, these stargates are devices—controlled wormholes of
sorts—left behind by the “Ancients” to facilitate
interstellar travel…
HUMPY: HA! You said “wormhole.”
NERD: Umm… yes… And in the first Stargate series, known
as SG-1, Richard Dean Anderson leads a military group
into the stargate to discover…
HUMPY: Hold on, Nerd! Where’s Kurt Russell?
NERD: He’s not in the series.
HUMPY: That’s… bullshit, Nerd.
NERD: [Long uncomfortable pause.] Uh… yeah… I suppose
you’re right. Anyway…
HUMPY: Richard Dean Anderson… MacGyver, right?
NERD: Yes! Exactly! He was MacGyver!
HUMPY: I freaking hate MacGyver… Nerd.
NERD: [Pause.] You know… I’m really feeling threatened by
you right now.
HUMPY: [Silence.]
NERD: So! About this new series, Stargate Universe…
HUMPY: So is it true that in the original Stargate series,
people had eels in their stomachs and there were “space
vampires” with vaginas on their hands?
NERD: Whu… wow. I really wouldn’t put it that way… but yeah, in
SG-1, there were stomach eels, and in Stargate Atlantis there were aliens called the Wraith who… okay, had feeding
orifices on their hands one could say resembled
vaginas—BUT THEY WERE NOT USED IN SUCH A CRUDE…
HUMPY: Ha! Haaa! The vampires had “handginas”!
NERD: They weren’t hand… I mean, vaginas! They were
biological orifices designed to suck the life force out
of…
HUMPY: And by “life force” you mean “sperm.”
NERD: Absolutely not! It was how the Wraith…
HUMPY: Kind of gives a new meaning to handjobs, huh?
NERD: No! No! No! Look… do you want to learn about the new
Stargate Universe series or not?
HUMPY: Actually, I was hoping you could give me a handjob with your
handgina.
[At this point in the interview, the nerd tried to leave, but I
chased him down, dragged him to a nearby toilet and gave him a
swirlie—but here’s the funny part! As his hair was
swirling around inside the toilet? It looked like a
stargate! Man. Life is cool.] 
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1
8:00 CW THE VAMPIRE DIARIES
After Stefan invites Elena to a dance, brother Damon steps in to
cock block him. (Fang block?)
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Regional manager David informs the office that not everyone will be
receiving raises, sparking a passive-aggressive riot.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 2
8:00 TOON STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS
Season premiere! “Cad Bane attempts to steal a Jedi Holocron.”
Dammit! Speak English, nerds!
9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE
Echo is imprinted with a new mother—who’s even more bitchy
than her old mother!
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 3
8:00 ANI SUPERFETCH
Debut! Owners train their mutts to fetch beer, make sandwiches,
attract chicks… I don’t like where this is going.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 4
9:00 CBS THREE RIVERS
Debut! A new drama about organ transplant—and unfortunately
no, it’s not those kind of organs.
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Don decides to let Betty accompany him on a business trip. WORST…
IDEA… EVER!!!
MONDAY, OCTOBER 5
8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Please vote off Tom DeLay before poor Cheryl kills herself!
Seriously… SHE CAN’T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS!
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 6
10:00 MTV THE HILLS
Audrina is furious when Kristin says her donkey teeth remind her of
Stonehenge.
11:00 DSC SURVIVING DISASTER
Tonight we learn to survive on the open seas in a life
raft—and without eating the other passengers!
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 7
10:00 COM SOUTH PARK
Season premiere! Check the morning news to see what the South Park
kids will be lampooning tonight!
10:30 COM SECRET GIRLFRIEND
Debut! Based on the popular web series starring YOU, and your sad
inability to juggle two girls at once.
Bravo! Beautifully written. Some of the finest piece of fiction written by the Stranger.
Oh! I get it! He likes science fiction so he’s a nerd and it’s funny to be mean to him! Ahahaha! I am so glad you invented that joke, because when you go back into the past ABOUT SIXTY YEARS and release it as a meme, you’ll be able to sue the authors of ONLY ABOUT A MILLION MOVIES AND STORIES RELEASED since then.
Man acting is a weird business. Richard Dean Anderson became a cultural icon as MacGyver, and then pulled down TEN YEARS on Stargate. He probably has his own tropical island now. What other industry (except, perhaps finance) can you get so much swag for being involved in complete mediocrity?
While you’re comparatively superior achievements go unrecognized. Oh, the unfairness of it all!
@4 LOL!
This was an article by a guy who spends his life watching TV, and can probably tell me exactly what’s going on on project runway and dancing with the stars, accusing someone else of being a nerd?
Irony alert.