If you’re anything like me, you’re currently in “a lot of
trouble.” In fact, “a lot of trouble” is usually my normal state of
being. For example, I’m currently in a lot of trouble for a number of
reasons, which include, but are not limited to (1) drag racing, (2)
bear baiting, (3) wife/girlfriend stealing, (4) boyfriend/husband
stealing, (5) staging unauthorized nude gladiator battles, (6)
art theft, (7) statutory flirting (emphasis on “flirting”), (8) lewd
and lascivious behavior (use your imagination), (9) fight clubbing, and
(10) driving/skateboarding/biking/riding-in-a-shopping-cart under the
influence of drugs and/or alcohol.

However! If you’re in “a lot of trouble” as much as I am, then you
already know the number-one defense to employ, which surprisingly works
at least half the time: the “I DIDN’T KNOW” defense.

“Mr. Humpy, kidnapping chimpanzees from the zoo is illegal in this
state.” Really? I DIDN’T KNOW. “Mr. Humpy, driving a dune buggy through
a national park while hunting humans with a crossbow violates several
federal statutes.” No way. Are you sure? I DIDN’T KNOW. “Mr. Humpy,
it’s illegal to practice law without a license!” I object, your honor!
On the grounds of I DIDN’T KNOW.

The I DIDN’T KNOW excuse is especially useful to the women featured
in I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant (TLC, Wed, 8 pm)—a
new show that recounts the stories of women who, for one reason or
another, didn’t know they were knocked up until a baby came flying out
of their vaginal slip ‘n’ slide.

Now, as you know, I’ve impregnated a lot of people. And not
to brag, but when I impregnate somebody, they KNOW they’ve been
impregnated. Because I impregnate the shit out of them. However,
the ladies on this show were apparently impregnated by a lesser man
than I, because they claim to be COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to their sudden
weight gain, spontaneous vomiting, and the living entity inside
their tummies kicking the crap out of their rib cage.

Nevertheless, there are two reasons I love I Didn’t Know I Was
Pregnant: (1) The bullpoopy reasons these women give for not
knowing they were preggo and (2) the “dramatic re-creations” in which
the victims waddle around for nine months not having their periods and
then rush to the hospital where they’re shocked to find a gurgling baby
head sticking out of their coochie.

Now, okay, I suppose it’s possible that a woman could go
through months of prenatal torment and not realize a bun was baking in
her oven (like maybe if she were in a coma or Amish). But this isn’t
the occasional comatose Amish gal we’re talking about—this is
an ENTIRE TV SEASON of pregnant Amish girls in comas! Therefore, with
the evidence in front of us, we have no choice but to suspect that
every woman reading this column right now could unknowingly be
pregnant! Even worse, one could also reasonably suspect that my
sperm has somehow been sneaking into my column, onto the printed page,
and then hopping off to gangbang your ovaries. If this is what you
believe, then, madam, I can utter only one defense: I DIDN’T KNOW!!
recommended

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 8

8:00 NBC COMMUNITY

A cheater is on the loose and Señor Chang threatens to flunk the entire Spanish class! (I just love saying, “Señor Chang.”)

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

In this hour-long episode, the gang travels to Niagara Falls to attend (and subsequently wreck) Jim and Pam’s wedding.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 9

8:00 CW SMALLVILLE

Lois is infected by a zombie plague. (Yet another dream come true!)

9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE

Echo and Victor are given diametrically opposed personalities… which means they’re gonna pork, right?

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 10

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Guest-starring musical guest Regina Spektor and the alternately cute/annoying Drew Barrymore.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 11

10:00 AMC MAD MEN

Betty decides to host a fundraiser and invite (surprise!) the hottie from the governor’s office.

10:30 E! LEAVE IT TO LAMAS

Debut! I’m sorry to report this is a show about Lorenzo Lamas’s family and not about a family of llamas.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 12

8:00 TLC LITTLE PEOPLE, BIG WORLD

Season premiere! You know what I would do? I’d invent a shrink ray.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 13

8:00 FOX HELL’S KITCHEN

Season finale! Chef Ramsay decides which of the cooks is the biggest “stupid fucking donkey.”

9:00 VH1 HIP HOP HONORS

Hosted by 30 Rock’s Tracy Morgan and celebrating 25 years of Def Jam records!

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 14

9:00 FOX GLEE

Rachel discovers that being a nerd in glee club is somewhat less awful than being a nerd in the Stargate club.

10:00 FX NIP/TUCK

Season premiere! Sean and Christian are forced to get creative to keep their business afloat—especially since they no longer have Michael Jackson as a client.

Scams via e-mail? I DIDN’T KNOW!

11 replies on “I Love Television”

  1. Steven Humphry- I think your article sucks. First off- your bisexual (see paragraph 1)- second- you’re an adulterer. Stealing wives? and Husbands? your sick. Third- you can’t impregnate the shit out of anyone. its one sperm per one egg. so all the woman u supposedly slept with and had bastard kids with were created by one sperm and one egg.
    It is however to be pregnant and not have symptoms of pregnancy. Are you a DR? Do you have a degree in the medical profession? ARE YOU A WOMAN? NO! Your a Man- and a lousy writer.

  2. @1

    I’m not sure if I should if I should e-bitchslap you for the fact that you don’t seem to understand the difference between “your” (possessive) and “you’re” (conjunction of “you” and “are”), or for your obvious failure of grasping the concept of sarcasm. Get a grip. Also, there is one obvious “symptom” of pregnancy that every woman gets: being full of fetus.

  3. I wouldn’t exactly call this a new show. It’s been on for quite awhile now. I suppose “relatively new” would work.

    @2

    You have a very obvious grammatical error in your first sentence. It doesn’t appear to be on purpose (unless you’re going for a Foghorn Leghorn sort of feel). I agree with your entire post but if you’re going to “e-bitchslap” someone for their grammar, make sure you double check your comment before posting.

    @1

    Your A Idiot

  5. off topic, but I’ve been looking at that ad on the right for ages now exhorting me to buy tickets for Hump!5 and I don’t know what that is, but damn! if those two ugly guys are going to be putting on a show or something, I don’t WANT to know what it is!

  7. Is there anyone who still reads this tired column? I don’t know why I ever expect to find something more than Humphrey’s unvarying juvenile schlock. Was he grandfathered in by a Stranger founder or something? I just can’t imagine why such awful writing would be allowed in every single issue.

  9. I know a girl who wasn’t fat or stupid or amish or comatose that didnt know she was pregnant. if you smoke, sometimes you continue to have light periods throughout a pregnancy, and she was pretty active so she only gained like 5-10lbs, which she wrote off as the freshman 15. really great kid, though, super smart.

  11. Ok, I thought the blog was really funny. And it seems like most of the people who commented didn’t because they don’t understand sarcasm, satire, and wit.
    Also, @8, I think @3 wrote “A Idiot” on purpose. Notice the whole sentence is grammatically incorrect. Once again, understand sarcasm people!!!!

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