I Love Television

Did you ever stop to think that Casper the Friendly Ghost is
actually a dead toddler? C’MON! There’s no way Casper
could’ve been more than 4 or 5 years old when he perished and became
an adorable poltergeist. And what did he die of, anyway? Car crash?
Abusive drunken father? My bet is leukemia. I’ll tell you what: If I
died of leukemia at age 4, I wouldn’t be skipping around acting
all friendly. I would be at YOUR house, howling like a banshee and
scaring the poop directly into your pants.

Wait. Come to think of it, I’m starting to doubt that Casper is
“friendly” at all. In fact, I think his so-called “friendliness” is
actually a mask for behavior that is clearly passive-aggressive.
Casper is super-pissed that he died of leukemia at such a young age and
is therefore expressing his anger by pretending to be nice.
That’s why when he pops out of nowhere, and we soil our
undergarments while screaming, “A g-g-g-g-GHOST!!!!” he can act
like he’s the victim and make US feel guilty for having a
totally normal (i.e., horrified) reaction!

Look, Casper! I don’t care if you did die of
leukemia—YOU’RE A DICK! And if I happen to drop dead tomorrow
following a cocaine-fueled seminude gladiator battle (a more
distinct possibility than one would imagine), I sure as shit won’t be
mincing around the netherworld and boo-hooing, “Awww… nobody wants to
be my fwiend.” I’ll be flying around Dick Cheney’s mansion,
unapologetically scaring the crap out of everyone, and banging
the ghost of Farrah Fawcett on his desk! BOOYAH!!

Anyway, here are some ghostly specials debuting on TV this week. So
eff you, Casper.

• Ghost Town (SyFy, Sat Oct 24, 9 pm). When
unsuspecting teens (my favorite kind) take a wrong turn and wind up in
a ghost town presided over by actual ghosts, horror and
feces-splattered underpants ensue.

• Celebrity Ghost Stories (Bio, Sat Oct
24, 10 pm). Tom Arnold, C. Thomas Howell, and other so-so celebs recall
spooky encounters including coming face-to-face with the ghosts of
their now-dead careers. OOH!

• Extreme Paranormal (A&E, Mon Oct 26, 10
pm). Three paranormal experts explore Pennhurst Insane Asylum, proving
not only that ghosts exist but they are just as annoyed by nerds as the
rest of us.

• Ghost Lab (DSC, Tues Oct 27, 10 pm). Two
brothers travel the country looking for ghosts in their scientifically
tricked out “ghost lab.” BOOOOO! I wanted this show to be about
scientists who capture ghosts and then dissect them. Or a ghost
Labrador retriever. Whatever works.

• Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC, Wed Oct 28, 10 pm).
Okay, fine. This show about toddlers being forced to participate in
whorish beauty pageants isn’t about ghosts—YET. But it’s only a
matter of time before one of the pushy moms drives her daughter to
death via suicide. Or leukemia. Whatever works.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 22

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

Jim and Pam return from their honeymoon to discover Michael has a
new—and decidedly icky—lover.

10:00 MTV ULTIMATE PARKOUR CHALLENGE

Debut! Contestants hop around like jumping beans in a competition
that was cool… like what… in 2006?

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23

9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE

A flashback episode explaining how sexy Sierra was introduced to the
Dollhouse.

10:00 USA WHITE COLLAR

Debut! A slick con man teams up with a straitlaced FBI agent to bust
white-collar criminals and remind you of a thousand shows you’ve seen
before.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24

8:00 TRAV MOST TERRIFYING PLACES IN AMERICA

Includes haunted mansions, swamps, and my Uncle Jeff’s windowless
cargo van.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 25

10:00 AMC MAD MEN

Betty and the kids take a trip, which means Don gets to bone the
schoolmarm.

10:00 ANI WEREWOLVES: THE DARK SURVIVORS

A fake documentary that imagines if werewolves were real (and
preferably hot, like they are in Twilight).

MONDAY, OCTOBER 26

9:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL

Dan is alarmed (and aroused) by Olivia’s on-screen sex scene.

11:30 NBC THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O’BRIEN

Special guest: Capt. Chesley Sullenberger. What? Did he save another
plane?

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 27

8:00 ABC IT’S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN

A series of grisly murders convince the Peanuts gang to leave Linus
in the pumpkin patch all night as bait.

10:00 SPIKE 2009 SCREAM AWARDS

Celebrating horror, comics, and sci-fi. Hosted by Quentin Tarantino,
Tobey Maguire, and other nerds of note.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 28

7:30 FOX WORLD SERIES GAME 1

For this they pre-empt Glee?!

8:00 NBC MONSTERS VS. ALIENS: MUTANT PUMPKINS FROM OUTER SPACE

The M vs. A characters return to take on aliens posing as
jack-o’-lanterns in order to take over the earth. DICKS!