I Love Television

Here’s what we know about hippies:
(1) They have long hair and
a disturbing aversion to soap. (2) They believe in “free love,” which
would be awesome if they also believed in soap. (3) They dress like
circus clowns, yet rarely do or say anything that is intentionally
funny. (4) They have names like “Rainbow” or “Starshine” or “Sea Skye”
or “Wolfe Glare” (aka “Beat Me Senseless”). (5) They are extremely easy
to defeat in almost any known competition—except maybe a
bong-huffing contest.
(6) And while asking a hippie for directions
is like asking a wet dish mop to explain quantum physics, there’s a
good reason for their inherent spaciness: Hippies

really know their drugs!

Example: My ex–drug dealer was a hippie, who at one time was
trapped in the backseat of a car for three hours because he couldn’t
figure out the childproof locks. However! His knowledge of drugs and
their accompanying paraphernalia was epic. In mere seconds he could
accurately calculate how many milligrams of coke one could safely
mix with two tabs of ecstasy and four rum and Cokes without the
user suffering permanent mental or spinal damage. AND he also came up
with some very interesting ideas for TV shows, such as Masterlice
Theater (Shakespeare reenacted by head lice). Or It’s a
Squirrel’s World! (squirrels with video cameras taped to their
heads). Or America’s Funniest Gas Huffers (no explanation
needed).

I bring this up because this week marks the debut of a brand-new
miniseries on AMC called The Prisoner, which is a remake of one
of the greatest drugged-out sci-fi shows of all time! The
original Prisoner series kicked off in the pharmaceutical-happy
year of 1967 and starred Patrick McGoohan as a burned-out secret agent
who—after abruptly resigning his post—is kidnapped and held
captive in a remote seaside village isolated from the rest of the
world. Everyone in “the Village” is given a number and remains
blissfully happy—except for McGoohan’s character, “Number Six,”
who is wicked pissed about being held prisoner and vows to
escape. Unfortunately, whenever anyone tries to bust out, a humongous
roaring white balloon flies over and sits on their face.

Things get weirder from there.

The original series is a legitimate cult classic because of its
trippy, psychedelic cinematography and incomprehensible
plotline, which was obviously crafted under the influence of several
hundred tabs of acid and/or goofballs. Now, obviously, the new AMC
six-episode miniseries (debuting Sun Nov 15 at 8 pm and starring
James Caviezel and Ian McKellen) will be somewhat less
freaky, due to the fact that (a) this is no longer 1967 and (b) a good
three-quarters of its audience is not currently hallucinating a
tap-dancing cat on the back of their couch. However, many of the basic
plot points remain the same—including the large balloon that sits
on escapees’ faces.

So check out The Prisoner on AMC, and if it’s not
“psychedelic” enough for you, my hippie ex–drug dealer offers
this advice: “Take two hits of LSD, eat 1.5 mushrooms, huff one
quarter ounce of silver spray paint, and guzzle half a bottle of
Robitussin. Avoid soap at all costs.”

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 12

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

Rumors about Dunder Mifflin’s demise send Michael into an even deeper state of mental illness.

10:00 LIFETM PROJECT RUNWAY

Season finale! One designer will win at Bryant Park, and the other two will end up living in parks.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13

8:00 CW SMALLVILLE

Clark gets in trouble with the cops, no thanks to the always annoying Wonder Twins!

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 14

11:00 SPK SUPER DAVE’S SPIKE-TACULAR

Debut! Fake daredevil Super Dave Osborne returns to raise money for underprivileged kids by exploding his testicles.

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

This week’s host: the amazing January Jones (Mad Men). This week’s musical guest: the crappy Black Eyed Peas (BOOOO!).

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 15

8:00 AMC THE PRISONER

Debut! Number Six is furious that the Village won’t give him a sexy dress like BSG’s Number Six.

9:00 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM

The Seinfeld gang returns for a reunion show, and SURPRISE! They’re all dicks.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 16

9:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL

Blaire tries to impress her friends by getting Lady Gaga to perform at a private concert—and yes, they couldn’t be less impressed.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 17

8:00 NBC MERRY MADAGASCAR

Debut! A new animated Xmas special featuring the animals of Madagascar, Santa Claus, and a host of slumming celebs.

8:00 ABC V

The lizard aliens are granted diplomatic visas, and… goddamnit! Where are Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck when you need them??

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 18

8:00 CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL

Season finale! The winner is chosen with help from… EDDIE MURPHY?? All together now: “Oh, how the mighty have fallen!”

9:00 FOX GLEE

The glee-tards are divided into pairs to sing ballads, which would be fine except for a small case of the swine flu.