I Love Television

So I’m eating Thanksgiving dinner alone this year, and the reason
why is unimportant. Okay, it may have something to do with being
disinvited from my family’s annual celebration because I
may have gotten super wasted at last year’s shindig, showed up
with a “marijuana pecan pie,” dumped a boiling gravy boat onto Uncle
Woody’s lap, and got caught by my 4-year-old niece in the hall closet
petting the genitals of my first cousin. I don’t know… something like
that… the holidays all run together.

ANYWAY. I was already considering taking a break from the family
this year, so this affords me the perfect opportunity to try out a
scheme I’ve been planning for ages: invite my fave TV
characters over for Thanksgiving dinner!

Awesome idea, I know, right? And even better, I’m making it a
potluck, which means I don’t have to do jack-poop—I just sit on
my sweet ‘n’ juicy™ while a truckload of delicious grub
and celebs shows up on my doorstep. So are you interested in seeing
my guest list so far? Umm… actually, yes, you are!

Ryan Seacrest: I’m sorry, but I like Ryan Seacrest. Plus,
since he’s never turned down a job in his life, he’ll happily accept 25
bones to show up. And every time he leaves the room, excuses himself
from the table, or whatever, I’ll yell, “SEACREST OUT!” He’ll think
that’s funny.

That black girl from the cast of Glee: I think
her name is Mercedes, and NO, I’m not inviting her just to make my
dinner “diverse.” I’m inviting her because—even though I love the
show and get the Glee-tarded tingles every time I watch
it—I kinda hate ’em all, and Mercedes is the one I hate the
least. Besides, what if I invited Glee coach Will Schuester and
he started white rapping? (Urgh. Glee-tarded
tingles.)

Joan from Mad Men: Are you kidding me? Are you
freaking kidding me? Why do I have to even defend that
statement? You certainly don’t invite Don Draper to any party, unless
you want your booty-tapping quotient to drop by 97.9 percent. And I’m
not inviting Roger Sterling, because he’s funnier than me. That’s why
the only clear choice is office manager Joan, because (a) she has a
body that would make Christ hop off the cross, (b) her organizational
skills would ensure that we don’t eat all the pot brownies and pass out
before the main course, and (c) as we saw in this season of Mad
Men, she knows how to tie a tourniquet, which could come in handy
if I decide to accidentally chop off someone’s foot while speeding
through the living room on a lawnmower. Just an idea at this point…
but still.

Jon and Kate, formerly of Jon
& Kate Plus 8: Rule number one for any successful dinner
party: Always invite two people who HATE each other, but don’t tell
them that the other will be in attendance. So even if your dinner is
straight-up Dullsville, USA, the two sworn enemies will get drunk and
provide enough dramatic sparks/violence to make your event
unforgettable. Hint: Be sure that at least one of them has quick access
to the turkey fork.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 19

9:30 NBC 30 ROCK

When Kenneth tries to make the show more environmentally friendly, some guy named Al Gore stops by to lend a hand.

10:00 FX IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

Dennis reveals his secret to banging women, but the others can’t seem to get the “bang” of it. GET IT?!?

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20

10:00 TLC HAPPILY EVER FASTER

Debut! A reality show about insta-weddings in Las Vegas, which always work out… just… fine.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 21

10:00 BIO CELEBRITY GHOST STORIES

Ex–porn star Traci Lords recounts her experience with a ghost… and let me guess. He was delivering a pizza?

11:00 FOX THE WANDA SYKES SHOW

Tired of honky males dominating late-night? Check out Wanda Sykes’s hilarious gabfest.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 22

8:00 ABC AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS

Another awards ceremony in which Taylor Swift will undeservedly win everything. (Kanye, we’re sorry! Please come back!)

9:00 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM

Season finale! Larry blows another chance with Cheryl when he uncharacteristically decides to return a favor.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 23

8:00 NBC HEROES

The Petrelli’s Thanksgiving is ruined by a surprise dinner guest… perhaps someone bearing an “I’m Going to Kill You” cobbler?

9:00 TLC JON & KATE PLUS 8

Series Finale! The world’s most horrible couple emotionally eviscerate each other one last time, plus a trip to the dairy farm!

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 24

8:00 BBCA APOLLO WIVES

A documentary spotlighting the better halves of the men in the Apollo space program.

9:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS

Season finale! I absolutely have no interest in who wins this year. (Though I’m secretly rooting for Mya.)

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 25

9:00 FOX GLEE

Kurt gives Rachel a makeover—and why exactly is she trusting him?

9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY

For Luke’s b-day, Cameron dresses as Fizbo the Clown, and could not possibly be any creepier.