I Love Television

I love the Italians. I love their booshy mustaches. I love their
“spicy meatballs.” I love their Mafia. I love their Cher in
Moonstruck. I love their Pizza Hut. And I love their way
of running all their words together, like “fuggedaboutit” and
“wassamattayou?” and “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”

Unfortunately, the Italians (WHOM I LOVE) can be a weeeeeeeeee bit
touchy when TV stereotypes them. And I hear where you’re coming from,
Italians! As a native of Alabama, I am so furious about the constant
stream of stereotypical “hillbilly” images on television, it’s
nearly impossible to concentrate on mating with this pig. In fact, I’m
so angry, I’m tempted to put down my moonshine and ask my sister wife
(and cousin wife) to write an angry missive to the networks (since I
ain’t got enough learnin’ to know my letters yet).

Therefore I understand you are upset by the new MTV reality
show debuting this week, Jersey Shore (Thurs Dec 3, 10 pm).
Jersey Shore is like The Real World for young Italian
douchebags. It features eight “guidos”—their stereotype, not
mine—living in a beach house on the Jersey Shore doing
stereotypical guido things.

The show has upset the Italian-American organization UNICO, which
thinks Jersey Shore should be canceled because it “relies on
crude stereotypes and highlights cursing, bad behavior, and
violence.” The year-round residents of the Jersey Shore are angry,
too, claiming these “guidos” are actually from New York State. Or as
one Jersey native commenting on MTV’s website bluntly put it, “MTV
sucks! The real show should be how the locals kick the **** out of all
the guidos every summer. There [sic] a bunch of ****. **** them
and **** MTV. Jersey doesn’t need this ****.” (People from Jersey kind
of talk funny, don’t they?)

HOWEVER! Here’s one thing to remember: If there’s one truth we all
hold to be self-evident, it’s that REALITY SHOWS ARE NEVER, EVER
“REAL.” And while there certainly may be a number of abdominally
obsessed, hair-product-loving douchebags in the world, they don’t speak
for an entire region or culture any more than Hogan’s Heroes is
an accurate depiction of Nazi war camps. (For that, I watch The
Hills.)

In addition, Jersey Shore looks HILARIOUS—so follow
this advice: Temporarily drop your disdain for stereotypes, pop open
a jug of moonshine, and enjoy this trashy show with your
wife/sister/first cousin and your pig/lover/dinner. That’s my plan,
anyway.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 3

10:00 FX IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

Somehow Dee gets a role in M. Night Shyamalan’s newest film—and I bet the surprise twist is that she doesn’t.

10:00 MTV JERSEY SHORE

Debut! The eight “guidos” descend on New Jersey beach and immediately compare ab size and armpit stains.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 4

9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE

In this two-hour episode, Echo and Bennett (Summer Glau) have a surprising (and hopefully sexy) reunion.

9:00 USA MONK

Series finale! Mr. Monk hunts down Trudy’s killer in the last episode of this fun series.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 5

11:00 BIO CELEBRITY GHOST STORIES

Gina Gershon, Potsie from Happy Days, and Ghostbuster Ernie Hudson get ghostbusted.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 6

8:00 CBS THE AMAZING RACE

Season finale! The winning team lands (and subsequently blows its winnings) in Vegas.

9:00 SYFY ALICE

Part one of a two-part retelling of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland—except this Alice is a master of martial arts! Haaaai-YAH!

MONDAY, DECEMBER 7

8:00 ABC SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN’ TO TOWN

The best of the Rankin/Bass creepy-wooden-puppet specials featuring Mickey Rooney and the Winter Warlock!

10:00 TNT MEN OF A CERTAIN AGE

Debut! The horrible lives of fortysomething men, starring Ray Romano (who apparently no one likes anymore).

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 8

8:00 NBC THE BIGGEST LOSER

Season finale! The finalists return for one more weigh-in to see who wins $250,000 and a doughnut. (Don’t eat it! IT’S A TRAP!!)

9:30 SYFY OUTER SPACE ASTRONAUTS

Debut! In this sci-fi sitcom, the military invites newly arrived aliens over for a pizza party that goes horribly wrong.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 9

9:00 FOX GLEE

Season finale! Quinn’s pregnancy threatens the glee-tards’ chances at winning sectionals! PANIC!!

10:30 A&E STEVEN SEAGAL: LAWMAN

After arresting a young criminal, Seagal accidentally keeps snapping femurs at a children’s cancer ward.