Hey, Readers! The following Xmas column from last year is possibly the most controversial thing I’ve ever written, other than when I said, “The Beatles suck.” (Which they do.) I got tons of nasty e-mails and complaints—so why am I rerunning it? Because while I may be unnecessarily mean-spirited, I also happen to be 100 percent right. So enjoy this I recommended Television™ Holiday Classic™ and sorry for ruining Christmas. Again. —Humpy

“Christmas.” Perhaps the big kahuna of all Christian holidays, am I right? And a big part of this celebration is watching assloads of Christmas specials, movies, and creepy Rankin/Bass wooden-puppet shows on television, am I right? And Christians, generally speaking, hate the occult or any sort of thaumaturgy, devilment, or bewitchery, am I right? These rhetorical questions are really getting annoying, am I right?

Knowing that you agree with every item of the previous questionnaire, I believe I can make the following statement with some certainty: Christians are big fat liars, because actually they LOVE the occult.

Take Santa Claus for example. Christians heart Santa, and yet? According to the creepy Rankin/Bass wooden-puppet special Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town, Santa uses magic beans obtained from the Winter Warlock to make his reindeer fly, as well as a magical crystal ball to see if children are being “naughty” or “nice.” Or what about Frosty the Snowman? Slap a demonic hat on his head and suddenly he’s marching around yelling “Happy Birthday!” and spitting in the face of non-satanists. Or how about It’s a Wonderful Life, where Jimmy Stewart thinks he’s never been born after a magic angel makes him eat some hallucinogenic “zuzu petals.” (At least I think that’s how it goes. I haven’t seen it in a while.)

Anyway, that shit is the OCCULT, yo. And Christians eat that stuff up! “But Humpy!” I hear you cry. “While it’s certainly true that Christians despise the occult, it’s the birth of Christ—not Santa or Frosty—that provides the true meaning of Christmas.” Well, Mr./Ms. Smarty-Pants, I’m glad you brought that up—but you won’t be, because I’m about to blow a huge hole in your theory. As it turns out, Christians are big fans of the occult because BABY JESUS WAS A WITCH!

That’s right, I said it! Adorable little Baby Jesus was (at least on the inside) an ugly, hooknose witch with magical, occult-ish powers. Where did I learn this information? Oh, just from THE BIBLE. Exhibit A: Baby Witch Jesus becomes a fetus and magically inserts himself inside a virgin. Exhibit B: Baby Witch Jesus has magical control over stars, choosing one in particular to follow him around Bethlehem. Exhibit C: Baby Witch Jesus grows up to be Big Witch Jesus, at which point he walks on water, cures a number of ailments (including leprosy, blindness, and dropsy), calms storms, changes water into wine, and raises people from the dead (including himself). Is he a “good” witch? THAT’S NOT THE POINT! Christians are WITHOUT EXCEPTION supposed to pooh-pooh the occult—and Baby Witch Jesus is the occult-iest of them all!

I rest my case. And now if you’ll
excuse me, I’m late for getting struck by
lightning. recommended

4 replies on “I Love Television”

  2. Humpy is absolutely right–Christianity, in fact, was occult, and is occult. Theologically and technically speaking. Every kid who sprayed “666” on anything had a Christian occultic belief.

    Animals can talk, donkeys can fly, and a man named Jesus flew up into the sky!

  3. Oh–speaking of Rankin & Bass–you should see the “Life and Times of Sain Nicholas” or whatever they call it. It has a goddamned Horned God (Jul, I believe) as the main god at the stone table of all ruling pagan gods, who decide to bestow Santa Claus with immortality.

    His “mother” was some kind of fairy. He was taught languages by some kind of language creature and agility by some kind of bewitched cougar, who was also his nursemaid as a baby.

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