Confidential to “You”: As of right now, being “you” is no longer good enough. Sure, back in the olden days (anytime before now), it was completely acceptable for “you” to have a single boring personality. However, today’s modern society dictates that “you” need a “twist” of some sort to be interesting to the rest of us. Take my phone for example. I rarely, if ever, use it for such pedestrian means as “calling people.” However, I do use it for its “twists”: shooting video, getting directions, Twittering, storing my complete Debbie Gibson collection in one convenient place, as well as quickly providing satisfying porn.
Speaking of which, excuse me while I go to the restroom.
I’m back. (Told you it was quick.) Where was I? OH YEAH! “Twists!” I also demand that my television shows have a “twist” of some sort. Sitcoms that revolve around a fat father trying to manage his naggy (but hot) wife and smart-mouthed kids? No, thanks! However, if that same fat father had a deep, dark twist—say, training his family to be Al Qaeda suicide bombers—now you’re talking my language! (P.S. I do not support terrorism.)
Obviously, you need further examples, and television has provided us with an entire week of new shows filled with twisty-turnys! Such as…
Paranormal Cops (A&E, Tues Jan 19, 10:30 pm). Let’s face it: Shows about cops busting criminals are BOOOORING! However, when a gang of actual off-duty Chicago policemen start busting ghosts? Shirtless meth addicts of the afterlife: You’re officially on notice!
Human Target (Fox, Sun Jan 17, 8 pm). Another show about a human? SNORE! But wait, here’s the twist: This guy is a human target! Christopher Chance is a security guard for hire who promises to get killed—so you don’t have to! (And take it from me, getting killed takes a huge chunk out of your day.)
Life Unexpected (CW, Mon Jan 18,
9 pm). While you might think this is your normal “heartwarming family drama,” there’s a twist! According to the press release, Life Unexpected is a cross between Juno and Gilmore Girls. (For me, that’s like a cross between stabbing my eye out with a rusty screwdriver and a metal knitting needle.)
Pit Boss (Animal Planet, Sat Jan 16,
10 pm). Twist 1: Shorty Rossi is a little person. Twist 2: He spent 10 years in prison. Twist 3: He now runs a little-person talent agency as well as, Twist 4, a pit-bull rescue organization staffed by little people. Oh. And Twist 5: He’s kind of a dick. HE’S “PIT BOSS!” Okay, so that’s a pretty good idea for a show. All it needs is just a few more twists. How about this. Twist 6: Not only does he rescue pit bulls, he coats them with glue and pink cotton balls and then sells them as poodles. Twist 7: When they’re not rescuing pit bulls, the little people are standing on each other’s shoulders, wearing a long coat, and trying to convince chicks they’re Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. And Twist 8: Shorty’s not really short—HE’S TALL!!
(Didn’t see that coming, did ya?) 
Twist 9: Fuzzy wuzzy wasn’t fuzzy was he. My head hurts.
Great column! Seems like TV producers just have to remember one thing: we the audience are collectively pretty stupid, so keep it simple and sort of shocking so we can just distract ourselves long enough to forget how long our hand has been in Dorito’s bag.